The Essential Question Bowl

It's almost the Super Bowl. In case you're a fan of Sportball (that's the pointy one), I'll let my good friends at NMA in Taiwan catch you up:

Fun fact- when you go behind in football, there is actually a hole you get to dig out of!

Yes that's right! Brother against brother! Jim vs Jon. Who wins the Harbowl?

Let's get to the real winner here: the Harbaugh family. There is some sort of Super football gene in the DNA of the Harbaughs. Let's give a round of applause to the Harbaugh and their super genes!

And this is their Shiny versions:

Really rare.

But for every Ferdinand III

There is always a Charles II in the family...

And the inbred monstrosity of the Harbsurg family is their first cousin, Screech.

 Yes according to an episode of Saved By the Bell (technically Saved by the Bell the New Class, so ignore it if you want), Screech is miraculously first cousins with Jim Harbaugh.


He is the real loser of the Harbowl.

But that's not the only storyline at hand here; it's Ray Lewis' final game.

Who is Ray Lewis, for the uninitiated in the realms of Sportball?
Ray Lewis is Professor X.

 Ray has been the heart and soul of the Ravens pretty much since their inception.
However, now he is all but paralyzed.

He has Robo bits
Yet as long as he is leading the defense, presumably telepathically barking orders from his wheelchair, the Ravens can not fail. To the point where if you are going to beat this team, your first course of action would be to take him out of the game; just like Prof X in X-Men, X2, and The Last Stand. Keep him in the game, and he can lead a bunch of teenagers to defeat the Soviet and American navies...

Now Ray has always been an emotional guy. But this postseason, he's kind of been insane.

Like, seriously moodswingy crazy couckoo banana town pants.

You know someone is crazy when SNL doesn't exaggerate in their portrayal of them:


And while I usually pick the superbowl based on who's life story would make a better Disney movie, and while Ray's last ride is the final act of his heartwarming story, there something else here that I have to acknowledge.

This guy

49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick. Holy Scotsman.

This is what Colin looks like from the front:

Now I know how people say tattoos turn your body into a work of art. And I am a tattooed man, and I'd like to believe my shoulder is a work of art.
But holy shit, look at his back:

As proud as I am for a man like this being a sports star, I am equally disappointed at the criticism he is getting for his tattoos from the older generation of sports fans and sports writers.

Even to the point of him being compared to a convicted felon...
For crying out loud; they're bible verses and angels! How is that a impolite thing to display on your body? I am all for Colin, and all for the way he looks. This isn't just him getting "tatted" while he's wasted- his personality, his heart and soul is outwardly manifested on his body and I couldn't applaud him enough.

But the real essential question of the Harbowl isn't the which brother or Ray's last game of Colin's tattoos.
There must be one question you ask yourself about the Harbowl:
Do you value brute force or finesse?

Because the Baltimore Ravens will always be a bloodthirsty brood out to ravage opposing offenses, leaving a trail of broken bones and rattled brains in their wake.

Even though he has been proven innocent in a court of law, no one can mention Ray Lewis without implying he's a murder.

But the 49ers are such a finesse team. That isn't to say they don't hit hard, tell that to Patrick Willis, but the Niners win games with elusive speed and explosiveness. The 49ers can maneuver around any obstacle.

Now I know that Ravens play traditional smashmouth football, a sort of old way of life that is being threatened by the new rules in the NFL. But don't limit this analogy.
You have to ask yourself, do you want to solve your problems with grace, or by running head first into everything.
I'd rather be graceful. And that's why I can't root for the Ravens.
Go Niners.