It's Pokemon's birthday! It turns 15 in Japan and celebrates it's 13th year in America. But age is counted faster in Japan years. For example, right now, in Japan, I would be a battle hardened 24 year old; presumably a samurai by now, avenging the death of my master...
Anyway, this has me thinking about Pokemon
first, I'm thinking about getting a Hydreigon. In real life. That thing has mouth hands...
But I'm also thinking about The Pokemon movie
No, not that piece of shit. "Oh, Mew vs Mewtwo, who will win teh battle?" SPOILERS: it's a tie! A tie, really? I was an angry 11 year old (Japanese 12.6 year old).
I'm thinking about the Live action Pokemon movie that exists in my head (much like the Zelda movie note I had on my facebook. Look it up, it's a good time). And guess what, folks? This blog is the place where I can tell you about it.
Here are my ground rules:
- Live action
- cgi/mocap pokemon
- directed by Guillermo del Toro
Now, on those rules alone, guys will see this movie, no one will willingly enter a sausage fest. Therefore, the last ground rule.
MAKE SURE GIRLS WANT TO SEE THIS MOVIE
That being said, the girl friendly cast.
ASH: Taylor Lautner
Here we have a global-superstar-heartthrob-shirtless guy, who could pass for looking like Ash. Most importantly, with his name on the bill, women will flock to the theaters in a cult-like stupor.
But who wouldn't
GARY: Mark Salling
Gary Oak, you can't ignore his girth. Played by Mark Salling, the mom-banging asshole from Glee. I can already smell the urine from when hoards of girl pass out at the movie theater, mid pissing themselves. Is that a good thing?
and of course no Pokemon franchise cash cow would be complete without this little motherfucker.
PIKACHU: CGI with motion capture performed by Sean Astin
Just imagine Pikachu walking like Sam does. It's obvious really. Also, I apologize for calling Sam Gangee a motherfucker by association.
So, now that we know the movie will make a profit, on to the plot!
The film begins in Pallet Town in the Kanto Region, a kind of rural Anytown USA. This town is different, because is home to Oak Labs, run by the world famous Prof. Oak, the Pokemon authority.
...played by funny guy and huge video game nerd Robin Williams. He named his daughter Zelda, I will cast him in every video game movie ever.
This year, he gives out a free Pokemon to all graduating seniors in Pallet Town, including is MILF banging grandson Gary Oak (who gets an Eevee), and highschool-weirdo-sits-in-the-back-of-class-and-certainly-doesn't-shower Ash, who gets a Pikachu with a learning disability that walks like a chubby hobbit. Oak gives them permission to go forth and cockfight with their new pets; how Robin Williams of him.
Anyone 18 years of age or above (21 Japanese years) can take the Pokemon league challenge, in which they must defeat and receive badges from the 8 gym leaders of Kanto, after which they can challenge the elite four of the Pokemon league. The elite four are the top four trainers in Kanto, who appear in every ad on tv. For the most part, they are highly glamorized trainers- each with an exaggerated public persona.
Lorelei the Ice Master, played by Christina Hedricks, a slutty fame whore
Bruno the Fighting master, played by Jean Claude Van Damme, a fighter who's ability and Pokemon are past his prime, but they don't realize it.
Agatha Oak, the ghost master and the Prof's ex-wife, who seems to be unusually morbid played by Ellen Burtsyn
And Lance Blackthorn, the mysterious badass dragon master, played by Bradley Cooper.
After the cameras stop rolling, we see the true personalities of the elite four members: Bruno and Lorelei are douches, but Agatha is a nice lady, who is a mentor to the restless Lance. Lance wants to go out and be a vigilante Pokemon trainer and take out bad guys with his Pokemon. Bad guys like Team Rocket, an organized crime group using Pokemon as weapons. But alas, Lance is stuck posing for photos with the other "masters". Good thing Taylor and Mark are adventuring...
Ash leaves his dead end town to go forth on his League Challenge, electrocuting small animals with his Pikachu. Pikachu doesn't speak English, but Ash stays up all night talking to it. I know, what a fucking weirdo. He catches a Caterpie and a Pidgey. He feels good about himself. Soon they evolve into Pidgeot and Butterfree. He feels better about himself.
He fights his first gym leader Brock in Pewter City, played by Wilmer Valderrama.
Brock is a tool, he is cut down easily. Who died and made this bitch a gym leader?
Next he fights the Tomboy water leader in Cerulean City, Misty, played by Alison Pil.
She has a Vaporeon and shit, but Sean Astin-chu electrocutes all.
He tries to go to Saphron City, but there is beaten up by team rocket members. He goes around to Vermillion City, to fight Lt. Surge, played by Steven Lang.
Surge has a Raichu that he used as a melee weapon in 'Nam. Pikachu and Raichu fight. Pikachu wins. Ash must then pass through a rock tunnel to get to Lavender Town. In the tunnel, he finds a Charmander; now, we mean business.
He finds Gary in Lavender Town, who is also has 3 badges, but is taking a break to bang cougars. They fight to a draw before they see a van full of Team Rocket goons getting on the highway toward Celadon City. They decide to follow it in Gary's sportscar. Yes, major plot point, Ash is on foot/ riding the bus, Gary has a Camaro, as well as Tigerblood. Gary is WINNING.
The car goes to Celadon, which is the Vegas of Kanto. Ash follows them into the Casino, Gary leaves to fight the gym leader. Ash uncovers team Rocket's lair, fights their boss, Giovanni, played by John Ventimiglia.
They abandon their Celadon base in disgust. Ash fights the grass leader Erika, played by Miyuu Sawai, most famous for starring in Japan's live action Sailor Moon.
I feel after you're Sailor Moon on tv in a terrible wig, a supporting role in Pokemon is the next step up. Or, you know, anything is a step up...
Ash wants to go to Fuchsia City but a Snorlax is in the way. Charmeleon kicks Snorlax's ass, Ash has a Snorlax. In Fuchsia, he fights poison leader Koga in a badass ninja hall. Koga is played by Japan's biggest star, Tadanobu Asano, seen here in a scene from Thor.
Japanese Vikings FTW
So now Ash fights his way into Saffron City with the brute force of Pikachu, Charmeleon, Pidgeot, Butterfree, and especially Snorlax, who crushes bitches with his raw power and girth. Team Rocket is in the midst of a hostile takeover of Silph Inc., Pokemon goods manufacturing giants. He enters the city to see Gary and the Saffron gym leader, Sabrina, played by Ellen Wong, waging a guerrilla-Pokemon-war against team Rocket in the streets.
They decide to all three of them storm the corporate office of Silph. As they near the CEO's building, Gary won't let Ash take the credit, so Ash and Gary showdown to see who has the right to save the CEO. Ash wins. Sabrina is impressed. Giovanni has the CEO hostage, Ash fights Giovanni and wins again. Outside, Sabrina gives Ash and Gary badges. Gary tells Ash the 7th badge in on Cinnabar Island far southwest. Gary, though, has the money to buy a plane ticket. Ash is rich in spirit and has a Charmeleon he uses as a campfire, but that wont buy him a ticket. Gary tells Ash that he'll smell ya later. The CEO gives him his prized Lapras as a reward; Ash rides the Lapras' back across the water to Cinnabar.
On Cinnabar, Ash must show down against the fire leader, Blaine, played by Gary Oldman.
Lapras and Charizard are doing well against Blaine until -holy shit, he has a Moltres! It's Ash's nightmare-stalking fire-breathing-dragon vs. Blaine's mighty phoenix. Ash wins, goes back home to Pallet, where Oak tells him the eighth gym leader is Giovanni
...and Gary just pnwd him.
Ash goes to Vermilion City to fight Giovanni. And he beats Giovanni, but... Giovanni has one last Pokemon left, the one he used his funding from the casino to research, the one he needed state of the art tech from Silph to control, the genetic abomination known as Mewtwo! But in the midst of the Mewtwo/Charizard throwdown, Mewtwo breaks his restraints and uses his telekinesis to give Giovanni a slow painful death. Ash takes a badges and moves on to the elite four.
Ash kicks the elite four's asses: the slut (has an ice-bird Articuno), the jock (has a four armed Machamp) and the old lady (has a shit-ton of Genagrs). Last, Lance is waiting for him. He has been following Ash's exploits, and is envious of the vigilante life ash lives. Lance fights Ash with Dragonair, Aerodactyl, Zapdos, and Dragonite. Ash beats a slew of awe-inspiring-cockfighting-monsters and inspires Lance, but it isn't his last test. He must now defeat the newly crowned world Pokemon champion:
GARY FUCKING OAK.
GARY ASH
Arcanine Snorlax
Dodrio Butterfree
Gyarados Pigeot
Rhydon Lapras
Alakazam Charizard
Jolteon Pikachu
It all comes down to Pikchu vs Jolteon. Pikachu wins, Oak and Lance parade Ash through the streets.
THE FUCKING END!
