My Name is Dom

Last Wednesday, I went to get Asian food with my brother Tony and his girlfriend of 9 years, Kelly.

visual aide. Tony's the dude.

anyway, as we were getting Pan-Asian-American Fusion food (fried chicken with Korean rice noodles and a garlic sauce. AmerAsia in Covington, go there now), three fortune cookies were placed in front of us. Now, one of my pet peeves is that I hate when fortune cookies are not fortunes. Don't you hate when it's just a wise saying and/or a compliment? I want a damn fortune!

Well, I got a fortune all right

If you can't read that or you're in disbelief, it reads: "Your problem just got bigger. Think, what have you done."

First of all, yes, there should be a question mark. But we don't need to dwell on that. Let's focus on a negative fortune cookie. Ummm, they exist? I haven't heard of a negative fortune cookie since?




...since Filbert got one. I would like to quote my old pal Tom P. Meyers upon learning that a crackhead who can only be described as Tyrone Biggums from Chapelle's show stole my phone at a Panera:
"It is so appropriate that your life would become a TV show"

I would like to digress and point out that Filbert is totally the same voice actor as Plankton.

Anyway. What have I done to deserve this? Everyone asked me "dude, what's up with your karma?"

Who do I look like?

well, maybe more than Filbert. I mean, shit, if I'm already turning into Filbert, I may as well be Earl for an episode.

Seeing as I hold no other doctrines of Hinduism, I ought not to believe in karma. But it got to me. And I wondered, what is the purpose of this happening to me.

That Friday, I arrive at Tony and Kelly's house to house sit while they go on vacation. I'm able to catch them before they leave. Kelly rushes to the door and presents to me a newly bedazzled left hand.

And it became clear.
Could you imagine if Tony, with an engagement ring waiting, had gotten a fortune that read "YOUR MISTAKE JUST GOT BIGGER. THINK WHAT HAVE YOU DONE(?)"

My karma was taking a bullet for Tony. My bad luck was to create good luck for my brother. I was an instrument of good karma for another person.

My name is Dom

Congratulations Tony and Kelly. Now I no longer have to awkwardly call her my brother's girlfriend of 9 years.

America's Next Great Vulgar Faux 60's Pop Smash

Something on my mind. I gotta say it.
Yeah.
Your pussy done changed.

Let me explain.

This is the lyrics to a song. A pop song, not a song I wrote in high school. A single. This is how that song starts. Her pussy had done changed.
This is obviously the work of a genius.
Who is responsible for this genius pussy work?

2 men:

This polite looking man is named Lloyd Polite. Lloyd is an R&B crooner who for years has been stuck singing hooks for Lil' Wayne songs (like that one Young Money song where Nicki Minaj promised to put her pussy on my sideburns. It's in my first blog entry. I have proof). He was about due for a solo hit.

And this guy is former rapper and current recluse/handkerchief aficionado Andre 3000, who used to be in Outkast and now makes two songs a year. Previously this year, Andre collaborated with Ke$ha on her excellent remix to "Sleazy", which my buddy Larry may or may not have been listening to when he got hit by a train and lived...


conclusion: Ke$ha saves lives.

So Andre, formerly of "My Baby don't mess around because she loves me so and this I know fo sho" fame decides to collaborate on a song called "Dedication to my Ex" with Lloyd. This is a vulgar song about a no good cheatin whore of a woman. Therefore, taking a cue from Cee Lo, they had to make it faux- Motown smash, like "Fuck You", a song you've probably never heard of.

This is my new favorite trend in Pop right now. I'm calling it FauxTown: Whenever an R&B singer goes pop with a angry vulgar song with a nice happy song that sounds like the music of young America circa 1963 in order to shock the listener with the jarring juxtaposition. FauxTown had it's watershed moment in Fuck You, but it draws on various other proto-FauxTown hits, such as almost everything Amy Winehouse recorded (did she died recently?) and the bizzare forgotten classic, "Fuck You".

Not by Cee Lo. By Eamon. AKA that song you thought you'd never have to hear again





But because fuck is a played out FauxTown refrain, Lloyd has opted for Pussy.

I've always liked the word pussy as a swear word. Vagina is a beautiful word, but it sounds foreign. It's like if someone goes by Nicholas, and you just stare at him and wonder why he doesn't go by Nick. Vagina needs a nickname. But cunt and twat are too vulgar and British. Pussy reminds me of Tom Jones and What's New Pussycat; everyone loves Tom Jones!
And Tom Jones was always sexy, right?

...
anyway, as Lloyd does his best Marvin Gaye impression about this girl's pussy, Andre gives one of his twice a year only verses. And it's awesome. UH-OH! It's time for an excerpt in itallics!

What? Why so quiet?
Hate that all of our memories happened in a Hyatt?
You were perfect before you went on a diet
You was way thicker, you think I don’t remember
Shit, the magazine got to your head
Now somebody you don’t even know got you in bed
Betcha buddy don't even know you don’t like red
Or was it fuchsia, fuck it, Our future is dead.

also he mentions the X-Men, which makes this my favorite song for the time being.

So, as I am wan to do, I have saved this video for the end of this post. 

You Win, or You Blog

Recently, I have been consumed by the HBO series Game of Thrones.

This show is kinda half Tolkien, half political thriller. But its not on TV. It's on HBO. Meaning, everyone is boning.
The following is a list of life lessons I have learned from Game of Thrones:
 (These are not spoilers. These are plot appetizers.)

1- You Win of You Die. Good advice anytime.
2- The best fantasy shows ground magic in science. Why can only the one family herd dragons? Oh yes, a genetic mutation that prevents burning in its lineage. What's the worst part about winter in a fantasy land? Zombies don't rot...
3- Winter is coming. Which means be prepared, but it also means they are killing off a character this episode.
4- No main character is immune to being killed. Actually, the female leads pretty much are safe, but the guys are all screwed.
5- The Dolthraki are not known for their punctuality. They are known for being bad ass barbarians and killing off main characters.

                                                             Badass
6- There is no Dolthraki word for thank you. Or Throne. Or band-aid...
7- the King must have a Hand by his side. The king shits, the hand wipes. But the Hand is the highest paid actor on the show, so I guess we're even.
8- If you are blonde and you have a sister, you are at most boning her, and at least feeling up her boobies at bath time.
9- Speaking of which, the Dragon is the douchiest nickname. Ever.

                                                     ya douche
10- No one ever sings about how men shit themselves before you slay them in the field of battle.
11- Apparently, jousting is like bullfights. Meaning when you lose, it's ok to cut the horse's fucking head off.
12- The first thing about sword fighting: stick him with the pointy end.
13- If you're going to be a cripple, it's better to be a rich cripple.
14- HBO has always found creative means of pushing the envelope. The hardest one to watch so far is a seven year old breastfeeding.
15- Armor is basically a steel man-dress. But it keeps you alive.
16- There is one thing you say to the god of death: not today (preferably in a faux-Italian broken English accent).
17- Emilia Clarke, who plays Daenerys Targaryen, is maybe the most beautiful woman I have ever seen, and that's not just because she's naked in the first scene you see her in.

                                                      Pictured: Hot Barbarian Queen
18- HBO is home of the best lesbian brothel scene in television history.
19- Also, HBO is the home of 13 year olds saying cunt.
20- No one trust the eunuch.

21- Peter Dinklage had played "Dinklage Characters" his whole career, i.e., wee and angry midgets. In game of thrones, Peter Dinklage plays the role of his life, the cunning, horny, and smartest man of the continent, Tyrion Lannister. Also he's a dwarf.

22- Tyrion Lannister's first rule of whorehouse. The significance of closed door at a whore house is that midgets be boning.
23- Tryion loves whores. Because whore are medieval sports stars.
24- Tyrion's ideal death: 80 years old, in bed, with a belly full of wine and girl's mouth on your cock.
25- If a classics grad student shouts "OH MY GOD, HAVE YOU HEARD OF GAME OF THRONES?!? IT'S A SHOW! ON HBO! PETER DINKLAGE! HE'S BLONDE! then watch it