Aaron Rodgers: The Chosen One

I know who Aaron Rodgers is.

..shit. That's B.J. Novak

That's better. I know who Aaron Rodgers is. He is the chosen one of the NFL. He will be the next Super Bowl Winner. And why? Because it makes the better movie.

I tend to make my Super Bowl Predictions based on two criteria: 1) if one of the teams is the New York Giants and 2) the potential to create a Disney produced sports movie from the story of the winners. And thus far, the Super Bowl has been chock-full of screenplay potential.

2010: SAINTS
With the city reeling from one of the worst natural disasters in history, sad sack Drew Brees must lead his perennial sad sack New Orleans Saints, a team without a home field, to the super bowl, where he must defeat God's gift to quarterbacks, Peyton Manning.

2008: GIANTS
Eli Manning, sad lack little brother of God's gift to quarterbacks must lead his barely made the playoffs Giants against the perfect 18-0 Patriots, culminating in one of the greatest plays in NFL history.

and as long as we're talking about the 07-08 Patriots, of "Spy Gate" infamy (Spy Gate: when the Patriots were caught filming defensive play-call signals from the Jets, so they could later know what plays the Jets were using as they called them in game), I would like to talk about how much I hate the term "X Gate". Nipplegate! Skategate! Kanyegate! Did these events take place at the Nipplegate/skategate/Kanyegate hotels? No. Shut the fuck up.

Where was I?
The 2001 Patriots, the 2000 Rams, the fucking 1969 Jets?!

    MAKE THIS MOVIE! (Jake Gyllenhaal was once rumored for it at. FUNFACT!!!!)


This year, Aaron Rodger's story has the best potential to be made into a movie.




Where to Begin?

                                 
Packers great Brett Favre is a douchebag. An all-time great, but a douchebag.

1. He can't pronounce his own name right. How is "FaVRe", pronounced "FaRVe"?
2. He set almost every major pass record with the Packers, then retired, then left for the Jets so he could win a Super Bowl (he didn't), then left for the Vikings so he could win a Super Bowl (he didn't), then retired again, but fuck that, because if there's a strike shortened season next year, he'll be back for a shortened season. You know I'm right.
3. His takes pictures of his penis and sends it to women
4. He was supposed to be God's gift to quarterbacks, but he was just an intensely talented drunk who only won one Super Bowl and proceeded to wave his dick at women (once, he drunkenly hit on Dean's friend Ryan's aunt at a bar in Minneapolis. True Story). We discovered Peyton Manning and moved on.

So as Brett soiled his reputation, Green Bay started his back-up, happy-go-lucky Cali boy Aaron Rodgers.

                                           


Flash forward to 2010-2011; the Packers barely make it in the playoffs, thanks to an immensely good NFC South, and Aaron Rodgers does his little "Steve Young without the concussions" act past Michael Vick and the Eagles (who will one day get a movie, don't worry), the NFC South champs Atlanta Falcons, and the other half of the oldest rivalry in football, The Chicago Bears.

So three upsets later, Aaron is in the Super Bowl, where he realizes that he must do battle against the true heir to Brett Favre: DUH DUH DUHHHHHHHHHHHHN!

BEN ROETHLISBERGER
Career Highlights:

• Won two Super Bowls that the defense and run game actually won. Let's put it this way, if you won two Super Bowls, but both times wide receivers were the MVPs, you suck. Especially if one of those wide recievers threw a touchdown pass...
• Missing the beginning of the 2006 season for getting in a motorcycle crash, when he was riding without a helmet!
• Allegedly raping two women, the second involving an epic dick waving bathroom scene meant for HBO. If Mythbusters taught me one thing, one time is Plausible, two times is Busted.
• Missing the beginning of the 2010 season for, in layman's terms, being a douche.

Aaron, you thought you were the true heir to Favre! Meet the new World Champion Dick Waver, Ben Roethlisberger!

Now, will the Packers win this game? It's really hard to pick against the Steelers defense, with stars like Brett Keisel and Brett Keisel's beard...

                                                         Fear it!

but I feel like if God could let Drew Brees win for New Orleans, Eli Manning to prove cheaters never win, Kurt Warner- former supermarket bagger, a team called the Patriots to win months after September 11th, and Joe Namath to win because he has the balls enough to say he will, God can let the forces of good to defeat the forces of multiple rape allegations and dick waving. Or at least, let someone other than Ben Roethlisberger be the MVP; he doesn't need a car.

PS- God, also speak to B.J. Novak's agent about playing Aaron Rodgers