Television, je t'aime

There is one thing I'm most proud of, it's that I have kept up a loving, monogamous relationship for most of my life...
with televison.
I have watched unhealthy amounts of TV in my life. I watched 13 straight hours of Cartoon Network when I was five (but hey man, Banana Splits was my shit). I have seen the first season of Heroes at least three times (and one of those times, we watched the first fourteen episodes in one day). I liked Arrested Developement when it was still on TV (I feel like I need a parenthetical sentence to keep it all even). Hell, I'm writing this blog update to the soundtrack of the musical episode of Buffy. So therefore, I feel I could write TV.

Now I'm not saying that I could write this like when your big brother watches Independence Day 28 times and then says "I could write this shit" every time he finishes a quote: I feel I have the combination of dedication, inspiration, perspiration, and qurikiness to develop a TV show. Here are all of the best ideas for shows that I have come up with, my friends and I have come up with, and my friends have come up with and I am stealing the idea for.


1- Parties (this Fall, on NBC)
It was Taylor MaccDonald's birthday; Taylor, in her epic Taylor-ness, went to the wrong Don Pablo's for her birthday dinner. So as we were waiting around, I asked Kathy what parties we were throwing this fall. But it came out "Kathy, parties, this fall!", to which James responded "on NBC".
And thus, a show was born.
Parties is a single camera sit-com about a group of six friends who are always trying to hang out on the weekends, but for whatever reason, all six of them can never make it to the same party at the same time. Oh, the hi jinks! So yeah, we don't have character names, so this breakdown will be done with the actors' names.

1. Christopher Gorham- lead male. Cool sort of nerd working as a software designer. Wants to get with lead female, but supporting cougar always gets in the way.
2. Madeline Zima- lead female. Lovable secretly hot girl, at software firm. The tension is there from episode one.
3. Dave Coulier- supporting male. Uncle of lead male, working at firm with nephew. Married man, three kids, always has to take the kids to Legoland or some ol' bullshit. Most likely to miss a party. Childhood best friends with supporting cougar, introduces her to lead male.
4. Sarah Jessica Parker or a Sarah Jessica Parker type- supporting cougar. Recently divorced, wants to band lead male, he's not having it.
5. Dave Atell- sleasy male. Works at same software firm; wants to bang everything that moves.
6. Fran Drescher- annoying female. Best friends with supporting cougar. A drunk, loud mess.

Season 1 ends with both lead male and lead feamle hooking up, and annoying female and sleazy male hooking up.
OK ALSO we never realized this when we came up with this, but yes, we are reuniting the cast of The Nanny. Fran was the Nanny named Fran, Madeline was the youngest daughter. Meant to be, son.

2-The Couch (CBS)
James and I mentioned that we needed a lame, not funny, Two and a Half Men style CBS sticom, and Heather Silverman suggested "Bromance", a show about James and I. But because we're awesome, James and I tweaked it (read: improved on it dramtically) and made it The Couch. There are two ways to approach this show:
how cbs would want it: Four camera, fake laughter. This show is about two dudes, who sit on a couch all day and watch tv, and all the adventures they have on the couch/with the people who interact with the couch.
how we wanna do it: you know what scene in Pulp fiction when Jules and Vincent are waiting and we just se the backs of their heads? A whole show where the camera doesn't leave from the veiw of the back of the couch. But because that's ingenious, it'll never get made.

3- The With Mikey Nickels Series

1. "Let's Build Some Shit, With Mikey Nickels". The legend, Mikey Nickels once said "you know what would make a great show? If you just gave people wood and shit, and they built some shit! Like with me, I got all these tools to make a terrarium for my psychedellic mushrooms... anyway, so I gave all the tools back...actually I just filled the box with rocks and returned it (Home Depot never figured it out), so I have all the tools, and now I wanna built some shit!"
2. "Ninja Shit, With Mikey Nickels". The legend, Mikey Nickels once said "you know what would make a great show? If we just got a bunch of dudes who were like ninjas together and filmed them doing ninja shit!"
3. "With Mikey Nickels, With Mickey Nickels". I think we just need to follow this dude around with a camera at all times. Right Mikey?

   

                                               Yes John, this happened
4- Moon Base
Yeah, this is all Trent and Dean. Moon base is a 60s style Saturday morning cartoon. A meteor has wiped out the Earth, now five wacky teenagers survive on the Moon Base!

Theme song! Moon Base (clapclap, clap) Moonbase (clapclap, clap). Who turned off the gravity? JEFFREY!

Four of the five kids are horny and just trying to get laid all day, leaving Jeffrey, the nerd, to do all the work. By the last episode, after multiple seasons of taunts and derisions, Jeffrey kills himself. But then, the rest of the base realizes they don't know how to turn on the oxygen! THE ALL DIE! Hahahahahalolzhahaha!




 5- Sperm Race
A woman is inpreganted by a cocktail of 10 donors' semen. These ten men then go on a dating show with the woman, a man is eliminated every week. By the end of the show, she picks one man to raise the baby with.

BUT THEN: when the baby is born, a paternity test is given, and if she chose the actual father of her baby, they win the grand prize!

Theme song! Sperm Race (clapclap, clap) Spermrace (clapclap, clap).

6- Third Shelf
Kathy, James and I (with the occasional Taylor MaccDonald) go from bar to bar and film it; at each bar, asking them to make the Dom Tartaglia signature cocktail, the Third Shelf!

The Third Shelf is comprised of everything that was on the third shelf of the fridge at Baba's on the evening of December 3rd, 2010

• Goldschlager
• Jagermeister
• Black Haus
• Half and Half
• Orange juice

Theme song! Third Shelf (clapclap, clap) Thirdshelf (clapclap, clap).

7- Molasses
At Archaeology Field School 2009, the unparalleled Mindi Naticchioni made some remark about some thing beign some sort of both hairy and sticky. The bodacious-boob-lover, Hunter Muller, said "Like a Cat and Molasses". And I said, "like a Cat named Molasses?"

Thus our PBS Kids show was spawned; Molasses is an archaeologist cat who travels the globe with her furry team of furry archaeologists, the prissy Marmalade the Bunny and the inept Chocolate the Dog (along with talking tools, of course) , unearthing the world's great treasures. They learn proper archaeological techniques and history of the pasts they are unearthing with the help of guest stars, like Pedro, the Maya Jaguar, or Yanni, the Greek Goat.

A theme song exists. It was recorded on Josh Monroe's phone, and it's faux calpyso. PBS kids will eat that shit up.

  But this is not THE Molasses the Cat. I don't know who the fuck this bitch is...

8- Heroes, Season 5
James and I plotted a 5th season for Heroes (of course cancelled after four, yet the fourth season ended on a cliffhanger), but it's far too complicated to blog about. Trust us, it's as good as Season One.


...ok, it's not as good as Season One.

9- The Uncanny X-Men

Ah, my life dream, to create a live action X-Men TV show. As you may not know, it took Wolverine 11 years to appear in X-Men comics. This is why I have balls: Wolverine won't appear on this show until Season 2; it's time we got the kids to start liking Cyclops. Basic rundown, we the original 5 X-Men, Cyclops, Jean Gray, Beast, Angel and Iceman; make it teen drama-y. Season Three, add the next gen, Storm, Wolverine, Colossus, Nightcrawler, and Kitty. There are so many stories to be told with my favorite superheroes that have yet to be done with any TV or movie apadtation.. I have 16 seasons plotted out. I'm not kidding, 16 consecutive story lines; there's nothing else to do when you work the graveyard shift behind the desk at the dorms. I want this to be the superhero version of the Law and Order style TV dynasty, spin-offs galore!

But my biggest fear is that the actor who plays Wolverine will become a huge star and want to leave in the middle of the run of the show. But there's no way we can kill of his character!

                                               


10-...
James and I have come up with an idea for show so good that I can't post it on the internet. Trust us, it's awesome. Look out for it on FX.