I was first introduced to the entity that I assumed was named "Nikki Menage" when she was Shaking it for Daddy, aka Robin Thicke. "Nice", I thought, "she's like a new Lil' Kim". But I was wrong, as I have been before (although rarely). Nicki Minaj has occupied a space in the pop culture continuum saved for legends, shooting stars, and MTV reality show contestants: for a temporary period, which is happening right now, even if we don't realize it, we need Nicki Mianj to survive. She is replacing oxygen, water, and basic shelter as an absolute necessitiy.
AWESOME THINGS I KNOW ABOUT NICKI MINAJ
1- She's from Trinadad. Billy Ocean is from Trinadad; therefore, Nicki Minaj needs to get out of my dreams and into my 09 Nissan Versa.
2- The previous statement is impossible, because if I understand correctly, Drake called dibs on her. (From "Miss Me": I love Nicki Minaj, I told her, I’d admit it, I hope one day we get married, just to say we fucking did it). That sounds like a marriage stemming from an escalating series of dares, culminating in a quickie-divorce. So maybe I have a chance...
3- She's feasibly the only American female celebrity who isn't afraid to use the word cunt. In England, they throw that word around like dick or pussy; in the States, however, it is the be all and end all of curses. It's cool though, cuz Nicki's taking it back. She's got balls...or rather, ovaries. And they're probably bright pink.
4- But Nicki is an equal opportunity genital reference employer; she loves finding creative ways to use the word dick. E.g., her "flow (is) tight like a dick in the butt" and (concerning the bitches) "If I had a dick, I'd piss on 'em". Thank you Nicki.
5- Nicki Minaj has 32, scene stealing bars in Kanye West's "Monster". Rick Ross has a forgettable 8. Therefore, Nicki Minaj is at least 4 times better than Rick Ross.
Recently, I realized, I can't live without a daily dosage of Minaj in my diet. And I respect what she's doing for the youth of America. Yes, I mean as Grade-A, American Certified, Yet Probably Surgically Enhanced, Masturbation Fodder. She is the Male Fantasy. I came from a simple time; I was going through puberty in the days of Britney in her prime and X-Tina X-Aguilera. Where are we now? Britney is chubby and an undermedicated shell of her fomer self, Christina made "Burlesque", ie, is catering exclusively for the gay men. What are the youth left with to oogle at? Gaga? Too artsy-fartsy; is Peter Gabriel sexy? Ke$ha? No. Her calling her vagina a "glove box" makes me think it flops open, plus the taunt "don't be a bitch with your chit-chat, just show me where your dick's at" is probably the last thing you hear before Ke$ha cuts off your penis to add to her Veitnam-War-black-ops-esque dick-necklase. That white bitch scares me in the best way possible, but I'd never fantasize about her. Nicki has wide hips (ftw), toffee skin, large fake breasts, a huuuge ass, and an affinity for the color pink. Every man's fantasy and she certainly doesn't brush her teeth with sour mash whiskey.
Look at it.
But Dom, what about the music? I thought you'd never ask.
NICKI MINAJ'S TOP 5 MOMENTS
Young Money- "Bed Rock"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q1dX_GBpo8c&feature=related
I love any rap song that features an ensemble group, each playing a character. This stems from my love of The Real World, The X-Men, and the Wu-Tang Clan. Here's a video, catering to my likes, where a hip-hop group pretends to be on the Real World. Great! Drake is the Randy of the San Diego season wise stud and Nicki is the Ruthie from the Hawaii season intellegent mess! But wait, Nicki declares it is time to put her pussy on her your (my) sideburns?!? That sounds like the hottest thing ever. Win, Nicki
Nicki Minaj feat Eminem- "Roman's Revenge"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K9h_I90M8-M
"Ra ra like a dungeon dragon" is by far my favorite Busta Rhymes lyric. Now, "Ra ra like a dungeon dragon" is my favorite interpolated Busta Rymhes lyric turned Nicki Minaj hook. And let's go back to cunt. Words commonly used in hip-hop that rhyme with cunt: blunt, front, stunt. She has the stones to say what we always thought would rhyme. Also classic horrorcore Eminem.
Nicki Minaj- "Right Thru Me"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rLjxnKixyaA
There is hardly a difference between this song and Beyonce's synth happy ballad "Halo". Except of course, all references to angels have been replaced by a chorus consisting of "How do you do that shit?". Beyonce is Captain Marvel, Nicki Minaj is Black Adam. Shazam indeed. They should fight.
Trey Songz and Nicki Minaj- "Bottoms Up"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ekAXPCphKXQ
Nicki steals the song from Mr. Steal Your Girl. I have two words for you: Trimspa Baby.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UqstpSMMhHA&feature=related
"Do you like my body?". A simple question, but I could not realize where I heard it. And then, as a boy-soprano sings a requim, Nicki says "rest in peace to Anna Nicole Smith".
Nicki, you sweet succubus, you made me remember those terrible trimspa commericals. You are a genius.
Kanye West featuring It doesn't matter except for Nicki Minaj- "Monster"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ona42jz8w0k
You have to be on your game to outrap Jay-Z and Kanye on a track, especially when Kanye supposes that when Pharoahs have sex, they put the pussy in a Sarcophagas (but it's not hard to out rap Rick Ross; I could out rap Rick Ross). Nicki isn't just on her game, she's all time great. This is the best cameo since Marshall McLuhan in "Annie Hall".
"First thing's First": Every boast in that song is true. Yes, she's barely realeased an album, but she's somehow felt like she's been here for years. 50k for a verse, no album out indeed. And there's nothing you can do about it, because she's talented, aka A Motherfucking Monster. And yes, she's rich, her pocket's eating cheesecake. It's fat. Motherfucking Monster.
I'm not sure what a tour-de-force is, but I bet it sounds like Nicki's verse. And it's so manic; her voice changes tone so much, she sounds like a hip-hop Sybil. Let's call the base Nicki voice Sybil, the Carribean voice Vickie, the throaty voice is Vanessa, and the sweet-cartoony voice is Peggy. I'll bet she has eight more where that came from.
Yes. I'll say it again. Nicki Minaj is a Motherfucking Monster.
First things first I'll eat your brains.
ReplyDeleteLove it, Dirty Dom.
rick ross' rhyme schemes make english teachers throw up in their mouths
ReplyDeleteLOL at Xtina catering to teh gays. She DID costar in a movie with freakin CHER after all. But isn't catering to teh gays what ALL teen queens do when they get too old for straight boys to like them? (For further reading, see MADONNA and MINOGUE, KYLIE). Hell, even Britney started down that path with Womanizer, but she didn't have the soul to become a true gay icon.
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't count out Xtina just yet though. She impressed me against my will with the cover of her latest album. And did I mention she collaborated with M.I.A.? She collaborated with M.I.A.
Oh... and on that same album she also collabed with Peaches, Sia, Goldfrapp, Ladytron, Le Tigre, and yes, even the bootylicious Nicki Minaj herself. so take note.
ReplyDeleteThat entire Bionic album is a bad Gaga impression, which may be the definition of catering to gay men...
ReplyDeleteBionic was a passable album like Blackout (Britney Spears) to the rest of the world. But if you put argument in front of gays, of course, it's one of their 'finest' works
ReplyDeleteIn the same light, I have a vegan friend who's favorite Smith's album is "Meat is Murder"...
ReplyDelete