Aliens! Ahhhhh! They have come to Earth, and demand to speak to our Council of Elders, lest they rape our planet for it's resources and destroy our race. We must first elect 10 elders on this council, meet the aliens on their mothership (I'd like to call it "the Peak"), and talk them out of an invasion.
Oprah
The Public Speaker
First thing's first, Oprah will be the Earth's representative speaker. For roughly hour intervals, Oprah will sit down with the extra terrestrials and gently tell them everything the council says. Plus, the alien Powerlord will be pleasantly surprised when he in given a new Nissan Juke!
Stephen Hawking
The Guy Who Gets How They Got Here
When the Navigator General is complaining the ride over, Stephen Hawking will be the only one with the chops to relate to their taxing space travel. But then, has he actually talks to them, the invaders will be amazed at this creature, half man, half computerman. And their robot slaves can probably be his best friends.
Queen Elizabeth II
Because They'll be Expecting Some Pomp
"Puny Earthlings! Do all your leaders wear suits? Our Powerlord wears skins of the Chamburi Beast and robes of the Populdi flower! Where are your..., oh shit. She's got a crown and scepter. Let's listen to her. But is she really using the Royal We?"
I bear the Scpeter, I am Earth's closest thing to a Powermaiden! And the bellicose aliens will need to see an old school monarch in order to listen.
Bono
The Humanitarian Guilt Trip
Receiving the Catholic, Humanitarian, and Pop Star vote is Bono (real name unknown). Right before the council begins its meeting, Bono will visit the alien "Dying Chambers" (they have no word for hospital) and pray/ sing songs from the Spiderman Musical over wounded soldiers. Then he will call the Powerlord out over his lack of human/alien rights provisions in their constitution, and sit there in his sunglasses for the whole meeting, letting his Irish Catholic guilt trip soil the Powerlord's judgment.
Marilyn vos Savant
Let's Hope they Speak Puzzle
Supposedly, she has an IQ of 228. There is no thought or brain teaser that she can not best. It's unlikely that the aliens have a language that can be spoken by our tongue. Yet, can communicate to their Tomelord by solving puzzles, not to mention she can almost instantly figure out the odds to any scenario. I imagine her on Oprah's right, whispering what choice Lady O should make in a situation with 2/3 odds.
Nelson Mandela
The Peacemaker
Because resurrecting Gandhi's corpse isn't an option...yet, Nelson is our diplomatic-est diplomat. With almost superhuman patience and compassion, he will stop at nothing to seek peaceful negotiations with the invaders.
Bill Clinton
The Lovemaker
He is no way politically qualified to end an invasion. But he is incredibly sexually qualified.
"Bill, we need you to sleep with the Vassalmaidens onboard "the Peak" and get the aliens in a good mood. Here's roughly 40 cigars and 96 hours worth of Viagra. Do work son."
And in the rare case we are dealing with a Powermaiden, not Powerlord, he will stop at nothing to end this invasion. With his cock. Make love, not war.
Ban Ki Moon & Kim Jong Il
Ying and Crazy
North and South Korea, united to save the world! As the Warvassal scrambles his Dekrom-Class strike fighters, Ban Ki Moon will work hard to seek a last minute peace arrangement or a cease fire. But Kim Jong Il won't have that bullshit. Not like he's got nukes, but if he did, hypothetically, them would be aimed at the Peak. Yes, we will all die, human and alien alike, if you don't back the fuck off Kim's planet.
And in all this panic, Ban Ki Moon will flip out and agree to Kim's plan. After this conflict, Korea becomes united, and shares a dual-kingship system, like Ancient Sparta. They use Ban's diplomacy and Kim's nukey-wildercardedness to CONQUER THE FUCKING WORLD!
Vladimir Putin
The Sonuvabitch that'll Get the Job Done
In the Korean panic, Putin slips out of sight, and emerges with a Vibroknife jammed into the Powerlord's throat. Next his people come in and they clean up the mess faster than you can say "Julien Assange". Then, he silently returns to his seat, puts his finger over his mouth and tells the council to hush. The council returns to their home planet heroes, but Vladimir wants nothing to do with the parades and celebrations; he just wants to continue to be Earth's greatest badass.
I'm on a horse
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