I Have Never Felt Like a Plastic Bag, However...

It is unlikely that Lady Gaga was born this way.

Meaning she was not born a succubus and/or a 24 year old.

She was more or less born that way.

And she has a song called Born this Way. And it's important, as well as being the quintessential Lady Gaga song. Basically, the song is her life story/ undying struggle for justice. And it's exactly the song we needed.

"It doesn't matter if you love him, or capital HIM", Lady Ga says. If you didn't know, Ga was born Stefani Germanotta (its pronounced like Stephanie, even though you want to pronounce it like Gwen). Meaning, she is Italian as shit. Meaning, two things:

a) she is Catholic

2) She is prone to get all up in your face for no reason.

The song begins such

"My mama told me when I was young

We are all born superstars

She rolled my hair and put my lipstick on

In the glass of her boudoir

"There's nothin' wrong with lovin' who you are"

She said, "'Cause He made you perfect, babe"

"So hold your head up, girl and you you'll go far,

Listen to me when I say"

I'm beautiful in my way,

'Cause God makes no mistakes

I'm on the right track, baby

I was born this way"

Simultaneously, she has taken a stand for God, taken a stand against all those who love to hate people who are different, and started a song with "My mama told me", which to me invokes Ray Charles' "Hard Times".

ahem http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eFaUmhgJtBU

Immediately, she is confrontational yet loving, ie, Italian.

Lady G proceeds:

Don't be a drag, just be a queen

Don't be a drag, just be a queen

Don't be a drag, just be a queen

...which is the most triumphantly gay refrain in popular music since "It's Raining Men". 

“A different lover is not a sin
Believe capital HIM”

Preach, LG. Even if are you gay, its no problem, God loves you; you're his creation. Lady Gaga’s ethos can be summed up as the 3Gs of Gaga: God, Gays, and glory. As much as she is a Gay icon, she is still a glorious exhibitionist and a cradle Catholic. The fact that she states all of this, means she is about to piss people off. But, then again, she’s Italian. That's my girl.

 "Don't be a drag, just be a queen
Whether you're broke or evergreen
You're black, white, beige, chola descent
You're lebanese, you're orient
Whether life's disabilities
Left you outcast, bullied, or teased
Rejoice and love yourself today
'cause baby you were born this way"

OK, so let's get the flaws from this passage out of the way right now. It scans funny, but then again, so does "I put the pussy in a sarcophagus", so whatever man. Also, she means to say oriental, not orient, right? 

Beside these minor flaws, it may be my favorite part. We have outcasts, born different, but cut off from society. And in their pain and uniqueness, they stand united. Hmm, does that sound like any group of beloved characters that I grew up with?

Yes, X-Men, you were born this way.

So where was I? Yes,  Lagaga, hit us with the clincher:

"No matter gay, straight, or bi,
Lesbian, transgendered life
I'm on the right track baby
I was born to survive
No matter black, white or beige
Chola or orient made
I'm on the right track baby
I was born to be brave"

 And there it is. We have been flirting with this theme for the whole song, that you are loved and special, no matter your race, sexuality, or possibly even superpowers, but she just flat out says "No matter gay, straight, or bi, Lesbian, transgendered life". Yes, we're on the verge of the first #1 hit that says "transgendered". Being an in your face Italian, Steffi Gaga is not gonna beat around the bush any longer. She has the balls to come out and say it. God loves you, this is who you are. Bam. 

Did I say she has balls? Whoops. Touchy subject; she is not a hermaphrodite. But you know what? Even if she was, it would be cool! She was born that way!

Anyway I'm fracking glad that the Lady of Ga is saying bi and transgendered in a song. Lord knows pop music has been beating around the bush for years with this sentiment, the royal Gaga finally hit the nail on the head. 

ATTEMPT ONE- "BEAUTIFUL"

So yes, there was a gay couple making out in the video. And also there was a drag queen. But she never says "drag queens and gay couples are beautiful", therefore, this song kinda gets remembered as an anthem for girls with eating disorders. Also, unlike Gaga Lady's hit, you can't dance to this song. And if I know gay men, the one thing they like most is synthy dance music. Xtina almost makes it here...but not all the way.

ATTEMPT TWO- "RAISE YOUR GLASS"

So here, Pink raises a glass to all those who are wrong in all the right ways, all her underdogs. Closer, but you haven't actually said gay yet. Props to this song for the part where she comes in early and mumbles "aw fuck" that they left on the recording.

 BUT I MUST ADRESS THE PRECHORUS, WHICH MAY BE THE WORST LYRICS IN POP HISTORY.

"Party Crasher,
Penny Snatcher,
Call me up if you want gangsta
Don't be fancy, just get dancey
Why so serious?"

What? This has nothing to do with loving the gays? Or maybe it does, because this is just is some stream of consciousness ending in a Joker quote. Other than that I can't decipher a damn meaning in this, Pink. FAIL

ATTEMPT THREE- "FIREWORK"

So yes, Katy Perry narrates the video in which the marginalized begin to feel unique. Yes, one of these involves a gay kiss. But she never says "gay" in the song. That's the fatal flaw of this song. All she does is ask me if I feel like a plastic bag. And all I can think of is "a squid eating dough in a polyethylene bag is fast and bulbous, got me?"

ahem again   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IkWXz_X8-rs 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QjOvc-YJCH4

So when SteffiGermaGaga says "No matter gay, straight, or bi, lesbian, transgendered life, I'm on the right track baby, I was born to survive", this is a major moment in pop music. Pop music is no longer afraid to adress who they were singing to the whole time. And you know why? Becuase, thanks to that wonderful freak, we realized, we were all Born this Way.