You Win, or You Blog

Recently, I have been consumed by the HBO series Game of Thrones.

This show is kinda half Tolkien, half political thriller. But its not on TV. It's on HBO. Meaning, everyone is boning.
The following is a list of life lessons I have learned from Game of Thrones:
 (These are not spoilers. These are plot appetizers.)

1- You Win of You Die. Good advice anytime.
2- The best fantasy shows ground magic in science. Why can only the one family herd dragons? Oh yes, a genetic mutation that prevents burning in its lineage. What's the worst part about winter in a fantasy land? Zombies don't rot...
3- Winter is coming. Which means be prepared, but it also means they are killing off a character this episode.
4- No main character is immune to being killed. Actually, the female leads pretty much are safe, but the guys are all screwed.
5- The Dolthraki are not known for their punctuality. They are known for being bad ass barbarians and killing off main characters.

                                                             Badass
6- There is no Dolthraki word for thank you. Or Throne. Or band-aid...
7- the King must have a Hand by his side. The king shits, the hand wipes. But the Hand is the highest paid actor on the show, so I guess we're even.
8- If you are blonde and you have a sister, you are at most boning her, and at least feeling up her boobies at bath time.
9- Speaking of which, the Dragon is the douchiest nickname. Ever.

                                                     ya douche
10- No one ever sings about how men shit themselves before you slay them in the field of battle.
11- Apparently, jousting is like bullfights. Meaning when you lose, it's ok to cut the horse's fucking head off.
12- The first thing about sword fighting: stick him with the pointy end.
13- If you're going to be a cripple, it's better to be a rich cripple.
14- HBO has always found creative means of pushing the envelope. The hardest one to watch so far is a seven year old breastfeeding.
15- Armor is basically a steel man-dress. But it keeps you alive.
16- There is one thing you say to the god of death: not today (preferably in a faux-Italian broken English accent).
17- Emilia Clarke, who plays Daenerys Targaryen, is maybe the most beautiful woman I have ever seen, and that's not just because she's naked in the first scene you see her in.

                                                      Pictured: Hot Barbarian Queen
18- HBO is home of the best lesbian brothel scene in television history.
19- Also, HBO is the home of 13 year olds saying cunt.
20- No one trust the eunuch.

21- Peter Dinklage had played "Dinklage Characters" his whole career, i.e., wee and angry midgets. In game of thrones, Peter Dinklage plays the role of his life, the cunning, horny, and smartest man of the continent, Tyrion Lannister. Also he's a dwarf.

22- Tyrion Lannister's first rule of whorehouse. The significance of closed door at a whore house is that midgets be boning.
23- Tryion loves whores. Because whore are medieval sports stars.
24- Tyrion's ideal death: 80 years old, in bed, with a belly full of wine and girl's mouth on your cock.
25- If a classics grad student shouts "OH MY GOD, HAVE YOU HEARD OF GAME OF THRONES?!? IT'S A SHOW! ON HBO! PETER DINKLAGE! HE'S BLONDE! then watch it