The Sorting Hat

It seems everyone has Harry Potter withdrawls this week. Alas, my generation was the generation of Harry Potter, and we got to read the books as we aged, or in my case, all at once one summer. My favorite Harry Potter related game, which I shall bestow on thee now, is the Sorting Hat Game. It's easy.
As you know, Hogwarts is divided into four houses:

Gryffindor: for the brave and the protagonists

Hufflepuff: for the amicable and future sparkly vampires

Ravenclaw: the honors house

And Slytherin: which gets a bad rap for being the house that produced Wizard Satan, but can't be the evil house all the time. Hogwarts has centuries of tradition, there was probably a Raven Dark Wizard nerd in the 1400s or a group of anarchist, muggle-born Gryffindors in the 1700s.

Anyway, every wizard was put into a house based on personality: Neville is a Gryfinndor badass, Cedric Diggory was everyone's friend as an upperclass Hufflepuff, know-it-all Luna was a Ravenclaw, and spent all his life a double agent (not a spoiler alert, you've had 5 years to read that) Snape is an ambitious Slytherin.

Since these are pretty much the four humors, this works for muggles too.

Conan O'Brien- When he got fired from his dream job, he spent the better part of a year sticking it to the man. Also, he's a ginger.
GRYFFINDOR

Perez Hilton- The most popular man on the internet and legendary gossip artist.
HUFLEPUFF

Felicia Day- Geek ambassador to the world and the only conventionally attractive woman who DMs on the weekends
RAVENCLAW

Kim Kardashian- Pure-blood from an ancient Los Angeles family, ambitious enough to turn a leaked sex tape into a reason to be a household name
SLYTHERIN


Those were easy though. These can get tough.

Lady Gaga- although she is from a Pure-blood New York family and is a Lady at court, she has spent her career preaching how everyone is equal under dance music. It doesn't matter if you love him, or H I M. H is for
HUFFLEPUFF

Kanye West- ambitious and douchey, but yet his albums' aesthetics are of Robots and Teddy Bears.
RAVENCLAW

Rebecca Black- her family had enough money to buy a $2000 dollar single, which was the worst song ever. But she had the pure-blood integrity not to kill herself over the entirety of the internet wanting to kill her. Also, being a Black, she is related to the Malfoys...
SLYTHERIN

Jon Stewart- intellectual as a modern-day Mark Twain, but applies his smarts to fuel grass-roots, anti-establishment rallies and disguises it as humor; The Fred/ George Weasley of Politics
GRYFFINDOR

Olivia Munn- sensual queen of all things nerdy
RAVENC...
IS NOT A NERD HERSELF!
Why would she go out of her way to be geeky if she isn't actually geeky? Easy, because she loves nerds and wants to make us happy
HUFFLEPUFF

Justin Bieber- never knew his father (being a bastard is the real world version of being a mud-blood) but became the world's foremost teen idol on sheer tenacity, honing his chops as a street performer and a youtube journeyman. Hermione Granger with better hair
GRYFFINDOR

Dolph Lundgren- 6'5'' 245 lbs of Chemical Engineering major and MIT Fullbright Scholar with an IQ of 160.
RAVENCLAW

Charlie Sheen- Born into the Sheen family, a nouveau-riche family from lowly Esteves roots, Charlie became the Prince of Hollywood for a while, before having a mid-life crisis almost as outwardly manifested as Lucius Malfoy rejoining the Death Eaters

Ladies and Gentlemen, a Vatican Assassin Warlock

From there he has become more famous than before by being himself yet crazy while not having a job. The ability to look your failures in the face and declare them #WINNING is the work of a Slytherin.


FOUR MILLION POINTS FOR SLYTHERIN