Breaking news everyone! I have a new hero! And he looks like this:
And he is using the internet to save art.
Of course, that's Louis C.K., star of one of the best shows on television, "Louie". "Louie" is time magazine's show of the year for 2011- it skates in a wonderful edge between the classic 90s "comedian is a regular guy type sitcom"like Sienfeld, Rosanne, Jeff Foxworthy Show, etc, but it's not afraid to do or say anything he wants. Topics of episodes range from masturbation to the humor inherent in apathy to the Passion and Death of Jesus Christ to how slap-stick can be a means to World Peace.
Louie is a also folk hero in the world of comedy, by doing nothing when everyone accused Dane Cook of plagiarizing his material (killing Dane's street cred in the comedy world), and then inviting Dane on his show to work out their beef in front of America.
And, you know that trend where comedians are releasing specials direct on their websites? Yeah, he's the pioneer at that.
Sooo, Louie has decided that all of his tickets for his Fall Tour are $45 flat rate for every single seat. And you can only get them on his website.
No taxes, no fees, no bullshit, just Louie, new material, and you.
He has successfully stuck it to the man. You know who's proud right now? This guy.
Pearl Jam was on top of the world in the early 90s. They were the biggest band of the 90s.
--------------------------------------SOAPBOX BREAK-------------------------
And no, I'm not trivializing or downplaying Kurt Cobain's suicide, but Nirvana didn't have that reputation as the band of the 90s until Kurt died, and everyone looked back and said, "wow, what an intriguing story". Pearl sold more records and those records were critically esteemed; and yes, the point of Nirvana's "In Utero" was to be an unlistenable dud/ middle finger tot the world, but just give Pearl Jam credit.
Certainly a big part of Pearl Jam's popularity retcon is that they didn't play shows in the late 90s. They had a righteous crusade on their hands.
With the same motives as Louie C.K., Pearl Jam tried to rebel against Ticketmaster, and claim it was a monopoly. In reality, the bands aren't making the money from their tours, the middleman is- and we're the one's left with empty pockets.
Pearl Jam ended up failing at stopping Ticketmaster, to the point where they didn't/couldn't tour for a while, simply because there was no way to give the people a satisfactory tour while cutting the middleman. Eventually, these young rebels had to bit the bullet and follow along.
The rub here is, Louie has the internet. Louie has the power to cut the middleman with a grassroots movement. And now Louie is revolutionizing the entertainment. My greatest hope concerning the legacy of this experiment is that this catches on in the world of music; I'd think Pearl Jam may try this themselves, even. I hope this gets to a point where every entertainer does this, as a badge of modesty. And Louis C.K. is officially the benchmark for modesty.
Louie is bringing art to the people in a way no one considered. Louie, you are a hero.
No one stays innocent for real; everyone finds out (SPOILERS) Santa Claus isn't real. But no one should feel the shame that I feel now: I have realized the first movie I ever saw in theaters was both a rip-off and a cover up.
What's the movie? Ugh, it's a good one too.
Yes, I ruined Aladdin for myself.
I watched this.
"The Thief and the Cobbler: The Recobbled Cut"- the great unfinished masterpiece by Richard Williams. This movie ought to have been the greatest animated feature of all time. But it was in production from 1964-1992, and it never got made.
This is Richard Williams, and his life story is the story of the production of "The Thief and the Cobbler". Williams was an animator who saw the potential for animation, but it wasn't what anyone was doing. Because seriously, every animated film for years was a Disney. Even if it wasn't strictly made by Walt Disney Studios Inc., almost every animated movie from the 30s to the 90s had songs and talking animals.
Williams dared to challenge these norms. So he worked animating commercials to fund the movie he always wanted to make. It was going to be high concept, based on Arabian Folklore and using visual cues from Arabian Art. The film was to look like if somebody animated a Persian painting.
It Thief and the Cobbler themselves were silent; it's not even a distraction, because Williams' animation itself tells the story. He was basically making an animated movie starring Charlie Chaplin as the Tramp in both lead roles, but with a budget as big as he can draw. Animation ought to be like this, only limited to the animator's imagination. Take this, for example- one of the greatest chase scenes in all of cinema:
Of course, he didn't have Disney money. So this is why it took him years and years and years.
By the 80s, every great animator had worked on this movie in some capacity with Williams, and the film was becoming a Hollywood Urban Legend. So Stephen Spielberg and George Lucas needed an animator, and they wanted to see how much of Thief and the Cobbler was done.
Williams had one like 10 minutes of footage. Fortunately, it was this:
Seeing as that scene had more frames per second that any other hand drawn animation ever (Disney needs computers to make frames look that smooth), Stephen and George hired him on the spot to do this:
Who Framed Roger Rabbit is the greatest animated film ever made (and actually completed), not just because it was an absolute labor of love for the golden age of animation, not just because it brought on the animation renaissance, which gave us Little Mermaid, Lion King, Anamaniacs, Tiny Toons, and Batman the Animated Series, but totally because its the only movie ever where Bugs Bunny and Mickey Mouse are friends.
So now that Williams is on good terms with Warner Brothers, he can finally finish Thief and the Cobbler.
Except he doesn't; he doesn't meet his deadline, and the rights leave Williams' control and enter the Completion Bond Company, aka, shut up and let's finish this movie.
So now it's the early 90s. And every animator in Hollywood has worked on Cobbler. And now Disney is churning out animated musicals again. So they have an idea for a new movie, in a fictional golden Arabian city where a good hearted thief woos a generous Princess and fights an evil grand vizier who has control of an absent minded ruler. They called it, "Aladdin". It's almost the same plot to Thief and the Cobbler.
And this comes out before Cobbler can come out, and kills Cobbler's chance of ever being a success, because, Disney money.
So Miramax finally "cobbles" together the footage of Thief and the Cobbler, but because Disney owns the 90s, Miramax decides that that 1) the main characters have to talk (because their mouths don't move, its all voice over by Matthew Broderick and Jonathan Winters- and really fucking annoying) and 2) we need this to be a musical now because this has to be like a Disney movie. Yes, the impetus to this movie was that animation didn't have to be like Disney, but anyway...
So they write the shittest songs ever. But also, DISNEY OWNS MIRAMAX! THIS WAS DISNEY'S EVIL PLAN. They turned a masterpiece into a hack job so their hack job looks like a masterpiece.
More proof:
Zig Zag, the evil grand Vizier-
vs
Jafar, the evil grand Vizier-
But that's a Middle Eastern folklore staple! And, Jaffar's not blue, thats...
oh ok, so they ripped off Zig Zag TWICE.
But this is Disney- after Walt died they ripped off everyone, even themselves.
Don't even get me started on "Kimba the White Lion" from Japan.
I'd say more about it, but I don't want to ruin your childhood further.
And why didn't Kimba's creators sue Simba's company? Because Disney has the greatest lawyers that a billion dollar corporation can buy. You can't beat them in court.
So what's the moral of the story?
When you wish upon a star,
makes no difference who you are,
unless you're an indie animator who's spending his whole life into telling one story that will shake up the norms of his field and do something, you know, really different, and not like the soulless conglomerate who says everything should be their way,
your dreams come true.
It's reader's choice week for my blog. Ginger Agby gets the second entry, as her tweet was simply "REDHEADS". Nate Loyer gave her an up vote.
As a shameless plug for both of them, this is Mind Fish's new video for "Can't Control at All", starring Ginger
And for Nathan, here's a video of a baby sloth.
Redheads. I am, a big fan of redheads. Ginger is, of course, a redhead, and she is one of my best friends. She knows that I am dating a beautiful redhead named Kelsey, so coming up with good things to say about redheads won't be hard at all. I think the easiest way is to list my favorite redheads, some real, some fictional, some historical, and to give everyone a glimpse of my favorite kind of woman.
Kelsey and Ginger, the aforementioned redheads in my life get the top two spots, of course. Here are my other 5 favorite redheads.
-Boudica
Boudica is history's greatest feisty redhead. She was the Queen of the Iceni tribe of Ancient Britain. When her husband died, Prasutagus, a minor ally to Rome in the British Isles, he left in his will that his tribe would always be an ally to Rome, and that no harm should ever come to his family. But the Roman Emperor was Nero, and Nero didn't ever listen. So after Prasutagus, died, the Romans came into Iceni territory, and they turned on the villagers and raped Boudica's daughters.
This didn't go over well with our redheaded queen.
Years later the Romans were campaigning in Wales. And Boudica ambushed them.
She didn't even just ambush the Romans, she fucking murdered them. She hung every Roman that she could get her hands on! This is one redhead vs the most powerful nation on the planet, and she just razed the hell out of them in a fiery rage. She burned down their camps in Camulodunum, then headed right for Londinium. The army had to pull out before she got there, yet she torched the city to the ground. This is Londinium we're talking about, aka London. This is a redhead burning London. She rode to Verulamium and razed a third city.
Combined, her glorious act of revenge killed some 80,000 Romans. They came back with the whole army to catch Boudica; she waited till they were close and then killed herself in front of them. They brought the whole army across the ocean, officially for nothing. The Queen's ghost most definitely laughed.
The Queen of the Iceni became a symbol of British national pride ever since. Boudica as the word itself is Welsh for victory; when Queen Victoria ascended to the throne and ushered in the greatest age of Brittania, you know everyone made that connection.
Christina Hendricks/Joan Holloway
I am aware that Christina Hendricks acted before Mad Men. But she changed the world while on Mad Men.
Yes changed the world. You are looking at a redhead, yes, but more importantly, an incredible curvy woman. And just as Jon Hamm made suits sexy again, Christina made hips sexy again.
Joan is the epitome of the axiom "women want to be her, men want to be with her". Christina exudes more power by just frigging walking than most actresses can by yelling. Excuse the embedding disabled by request: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OR0w37yQ4MI
Do you remember how we used to be? Remember what we thought a powerful working woman looked like?
WHERE DID YOUR LEGS GO, CALLISTA?!?!?
And what does real feminine power look like post Mad Men? It looks like hips and red hair; the best combo ever by the way...
and of course, no blog about Joan would be complete without the obligatory shot of her putting on lipstick as the guys watch behind the two way mirror:
Thank you Christina.
Ygritte
This is a huge designation: I am most attached to Ygritte than any other character in the Game of Thrones/ Song of Ice and Fire universe. She's not just a redhead, her tribe calls her "Kissed by Fire".
I'll start writing about the stuff thats been on the TV show already, but then be aware, it's spoiler time.
Jon Snow and the Night's Watch are trying to track down Mance Rayder's army, far north of the wall. Jon kidnaps a scout, and discovers that she is a beautiful redhead; he tries to execute her but realizes he can't. The show gives the Ygritte-iest scene ever after he's stuck with his new fire-kissed prisoner.
Ygritte lolz at your erection, Jon Snow.
SPOILERS BEGIN NOW!!! Highlight the text to read, if you don't fear being spoiled the details of seasons 3&4/ read the books.
Jon goes on an undercover mission to infiltrate Mance's camp. Upon meeting Mance, Jon is told that wedding customs North of the Wall involve capturing and tying up your wife and bringing them out to middle of nowhere to have sex with them; if the woman doesn't kill you in the process, she likes you. Now, the whole tribe is wondering when Jon and Ygritte will consummate their marriage. "You know nothing, Jon Snow", Ygritte quips at him (catchphrase!). Ygritte turns on the redheaded fire and, well, here's a picture of their first night under the nuptial furs: http://30.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lkfxlm7w3F1qh0oqco1_500.jpg
Their fiery love is the backdrop for the megalomaniacal machinations of Mance. In everyone's favorite scene, they sneak off into a cave, where Jon kisses her like a southern lord. "The Lord's Kiss": officially literature's greatest euphemism for cunnilingus.
This is the most intense and passionate sex scene in the books, and these are the Game of Thrones books we're talking about; everyone is always boning.
As they're lying entwined in post, Ygritte soothes Jon with the maybe the greatest line since Carpe Diem:
“You’re mine,” she whispered. “Mine, as I’m yours. And if we die, we die. All men must die, Jon Snow. But first we’ll live.”
Jon abandons Mance Rayder to Ygritte's utter confusion. When Mance attacks the wall, Jon holds the fort like a champ. Yet in the aftermath of battle, he finds Ygritte with an arrow in her chest.
He tells her everything will be alright. She replies, "You know nothing, Jon Snow." and dies in his arms.
And I put down the book and cry.
Ygritte is some sort of wise sex machine. Her run in the books is brief, but she leaves her brand upon your soul. Just the way I like my redheads.
END SPOILERS. READ THE BOOKS SO I DON'T HAVE TO KEEP DOING THIS:
I really shouldn't have immeadealty become smitten with Hayley Williams, seeing as the first time I glimpsed Paramore she was singing a poppy emo song about high school
But oh my god, the hair, the smile, the voice! She's belting on pop radio? Like, real high notes!
The more I listened to the great red hope, I realized she could really sing
Somewhere along the line they made an extremely lucrative if not clairvoyant career decision to write the theme song to some movie about a teenage Vampire
Emo had gotten to this ridiculous point where it was assumed that you had to be a complete soulless sellout to ever get on the radio, and yes, history may remember Paramore as yet another record label project- but this doesn't take any credit away from the pipes on Hayley.
Now, she went the safe way on the second album and out out a slow-dance ballad. This eventually became their greatest hit, and it was really about being a vehicle for Hayley's voice.
I really think this song highlights her Nashville roots. I can totally imagine "The Only Exception" being a Dolly Parton song.
Which leads me to my LEAST favorite redhead of all time: Jolene from the Dolly Parton song "Jolene"; Auburn hair or not, she's kind of a bitch...
Since then Paramore is quasi-broken up, Hayley is becoming famous for airplanes in the night sky being shooting stars, but I'd like to think she is legendary for
1) managing to be in a video with every shade of red under the umbrella term of redhead
2) belting the shit out of songs
Jean Grey
My obsession with redheads can of course be traced back to Jean Grey.
Anyone who knows Jean Grey knows that at any given time, half of the X-Men are in love with her.
This is pop culture's greatest love triangle; admittedly the inspiration for this:
And she'd never admit it, but it's the inspiration for this:
I feel so pathetic just even posting that...That's my second twilight reference this blog; I'd apologize, but I feel Stephanie Meyer ought to first...
Anyway, Jean Grey is the object of every's nerd desires, not just because she's Wolverine's desire, not just because she's a pretty face (I am looking at you, Bella Swan. Worst. Protagonist. Ever.), but because she is the ultimate embodiment of power and grace.
Chris Claremont, the guy that worst most of the X-Men stories you would recognize, can remember his first day writing the the X-Men comics. They had rebooted X-Men, which had never really been a hit, with an entirely new team f brand new characters, and current editor in chief of Marvel comics wrote the first two comics.
but then the powers at be Marvel kinda just said "this'll never be a hit, let's give it to the new guy". Claremont saw potential for all the characters, the little blue demon with a heart of gold, the man with metal skin but a gentle spirit, the guy with fucking claws in his hands, but then he wanted to see which old charters he could bring back. It was then he saw a drawing of Jean Grey.
and maybe Chris shared my fondness for redheads, but then he said to himself, I must write for this character.
He didn't even beat around the bush, he just went straight to making her a goddess
All the other redheads here are fiery- Jean Grey as Phoenix is fire.
She's in no way a damsel in distress; she is the strongest super hero on the team,
Jean became the focal point of the greatest story arc ever in comic books- the Dark Phoenix Saga: Jean gets manipulated by the bad guys, her goddess power goes unchecked, she becomes a destroyer of worlds.
She comes to her senses and she is put on trial by the alien Shi'ar empire. It's there she makes a hard choice for the good of humanity.
JEEEEEAAAAAN!
But she a Phoenix, so she will rise. and she does, and live happily ever after with Angel/Edward/Cyclops
...until blah blah blah, I'll skip the details, she has to die to become Phoenix to stop Magneto, and Wolverine (Jacob/Spike) has claws in his hands
Jean dies. A lot. But thats not the appeal of Jean. Jean Grey, as I believe all redheads secretly are, is a sleeping goddess, waiting for the moment to unleash her noble fire upon evil. She lived her whole life/lives, knowing that she had the potential inside her to be the strongest being on the planet, but she just goes for most of the time as a beautiful, intelligent woman.
Redheads get this weird rap for being these fiery haired succubi
like so
And comics get this rap for being sex obsessed as well
ugh, like so. But when any X-Men fan thinks comic book sex scene, I think most of us think of a beautiful and romantic moment between Cyclops and Jean on top of a cliff
Not dirty at all, just passionate; like redheads themselves.
BONUS- My favorite Jean Grey cover
and, the action figures that reside on my shelf in my room
Posting this picture was just as obligatory as the picture of Joan's butt was...
Recently I have been in a mood to blog, but at a loss for words about what to blog about. I told twitter to give me ideas for my next blogs; for the next few entries, I will be answering your requests in blog form.
The first entry come from Dave "Papa Bear" Heyburn, a man who once challenged me to a drinking contest (this is how it ended). He requested: "blog about what you learned NOT being in school."
It is a matter of public record that I took this year off. This fall, I will begin studying for my masters degree in folklore and ethnomusicology at Indiana University. This past year has taught me endless amounts of information about life, people, and the moronic minutia that I so readily devour. I have narrowed it down to 23 points. Watch me attempt to be deep.
1- You know the Sam Cooke song "Twisting the Night Away"?
At 0:55, I always thought he was saying "he's dancing with the chicken slacks". I learned "he's dancing with the Chick in slacks".
2- After working at Men's Wearhouse for a year, I have a wonderfully bold eye for color. I know what colors work well together easily, like orange and light blue, what go together more boldly, like green and gray, and what go together absolutely daringly. Off-white and charcoal. Trust me on this.
3- I have made to the end of the third season of Battlestar Galactica, and I have realized that the final Cylon: Bob Dylan. That's why they can hear "All Along the Watchtower", I think...
4- People in Kentucky say "mamaw" instead of "grandma". The first time you hear it, you assume it's just the thing this one family calls grandma. But keep an ear open for it; the whole state does this.
5-A Lannister always pays his debts.
6- Taupe comes from the Latin word talpa, meaning mole. You think I would have learned this my days as a Classics major, but nay.
7- When you're 18, your hometown sucks. But when you're 23, you will love your hometown; it will be the one constant in your life. These sentiments are amplified if you left town for college.
8- Your professors (at least the good ones) care about you after you've graduated.
9- Undergrad is important. You can certainly tell people who never went to college: they have bad grammar because they never had to take English 102, they get flustered easily because they never had to cram a paper the week before exams, and their generally more intolerable to different people because they never got that wonderful experience of being crammed into a dorm with strangers from every religion, ethnicity, orientation, and walk of life.
10- Someone out there has the same interests as you, but you'll never know if you don't speak up. As a November chill crept through the store, I exclaimed, "Winter is Coming". I got a laugh out of Rob the suit guy, which eventually lead to him being Rob my best work friend.
11- I know I wrote a whole blog about this in February, but books, man. Books are still the best escapism; nothing else feeds your head quite like having to construct a world in your mind's eye.
12- Working. Weekends. Sucks.
13- The only person you need to compare yourself to is the person you see yourself becoming.
14- The people that you really want to be around are the same people who want to be around you.
15- I love Men's Wearhouse, but I couldn't make a career of it. The Christmas party was legendary and the discount on dress clothes is fucking amazing, but none of that is worth waiting on high schoolers for 3 months out of the year.
16- Letting your guard down is a terrifying process, but nonetheless the most rewarding part of getting to know yourself.
17- The only thing "going with the flow" is guaranteed to do is make people want to be around you more, even when you're stressed.
18- I know they say this about 3:23 into the damn Sunscreen song that they play at every graduation, but no one will ever be there for you like your siblings. Cherish them.
19- A gentleman knows exactly when to give space, but more importantly knows precisely when and how to fight for someone.
20- You know that emotion you're feeling right now? Don't fret; somewhere in the catalogue of modern popular music, a songwriter who felt it too at some point wrote a song about it to help you express yourself.
21- Stop finding reasons not to try new things. It could be that your absolutely amazing at something you've never tried yet and maybe you just needed the right person around you to help you discover it.
22- After college, don't feel like you must have life planned out. I've seen firsthand thats it's cool to wait until you really find what you want to do. But the minute you find it, start working for it, and don't lose momentum.
23- I have been a witness to an old poetic axiom this year: The best-laid schemes o' mice an' men/ gang aft agley. Random things happen; nothing you plan goes the way you planned it. Maybe you'll get a sinus infection on your day off, maybe you'll get sold out of the 9:40 showing, maybe you'll get pregnant with your ex-husband. No matter what happens to you, you keep going. You make new plans. And when they go awry, you adapt and keep going. That's the human spirit. That's what it means to be human.
If you have been an American human child since the 70s, you have probably learned letters and sounds with the letter people.
But deep in the bowels of this noble children's enterprise lies a dark and secret letter people society.
Things that are known about the letter people:
1- They live in Letter People Land. It apparently has something to do with dogs and balloons.
2- All consonants are boys, and all vowels are girls. Realistically, this would cause two major problems: firstly, evolutionarily, this would put you in a insect like position for breeding and mating, with the girls being like five Queen Bees. Twenty one guys trying to screw five girls would cause major infighting between the male consonants. Actually, there is a letter people precedent for this kind of backstabbing, Cotton Candy C and Kicking K got in a Hatfields and McCoys brawl.
And before you say anything, yes, the letter people reproduce. I think.
You see, it was a tradition at my grade school every year to have a letter people wedding, where two corresponding letters would be wed. Basically, the kids dressed up like the letter people/ a bride and groom and had a little ceremony.
I was Mr D and I wed Ms. E. I can't remember what that girl's name was (Highland kids reading this, help me out here) who played Ms. E. She was like French or Belgian or something. And then she moved. That would probably be the give away. Well whatever.
AND NO. There will not be embarrassing pictures of young me getting married on the internet. Just as there will never be pics of little me on facebook. My mother has ruined baby pictures for me. Every time you walk into her house, you will see, prominently displayed, every baby picture of every human she has ever met. Including young, fat lisping, me. So yeah, the concept of friendly sharing baby pics has been blown wide open for me.
Conversation I have with anyone who comes to my mom's:
"baby pictures are so cute, can I see all of yours at once?"
" POORLY TRANSLATED DO NOT WANT!!!"
Anyway, the letter people are indeed breeding; marriage (however non cannon it is) would imply pair bonding and mating. How else do you explain the pimp of all pimps Mr. V? Embedding disabled by request!!!
And of course, as the theme song states, the letter people are a family (there should have been a point three somewhere). So yes, their humping leads to inbreeding. And inbreeding results in Mr X
His song (again, the gods of embedding are laughing at this blog) sounds like the nightmares I have when I fall asleep listening to krautrock
I'm kinda surprised that the Letter People never sued Mr T in the 80s. But I can see why. There's no reason to add insult to injury for a guy who so rapidly went from rad as balls...
...to this
And of course, My Most favorite, who's song, which I can still sing all the words to, is probably the genesis of my love for Jesus Christ Superstar, Mr M
FUCK YEAH WE'RE EMBEDDING!
(But seriously, that song is What's the Buzz from JCS)
This album cover will look familiar to anyone who has seen me shirtless.
But the best thing I've discovered in my Letter People quest is this, from the Wikipedia page:
"The Letter People consists of 60 episodes. In each 15-minute installment, the Letter People (relatively primitive puppets) undertake various adventures in Letter People Land, a dark, featureless place populated by strange people and creatures. Episodes usually focus on introducing new Letter People or new sounds formed by combining two Letter People together (such as /CH/ or /OU/). Other episodes take the Letter People to more exotic (though still featureless) locales such as outer space (eventually, the show would include more standard scenery, like cityscapes, meadows, Miss O's opera house, etc), while a few highlight the characters' conflicts over various sounds (such as Mr. C fighting Mr. K and Mr. S for his sound)."
Yes that's right. someone out there is so obsessed with the Letter People that they went out of their way to make sure that the Wikipedia page reflects how shitty the show's 70s PBS budget was...
This week March Madness begins! I figured that I ought to post my bracket here on my blog.
That just doing that isn't my style. So, to accentuate the Madness in March, here are my true March Madness pics- a lock for winning the office pool, wooing that secret crush, or killing Adrien Brody with your mind for paralyzing your grandmother.
SOUTH BRACKET
1 Kentucky Feral Beasts vs 16 Doesn't Matters
- Feral Beasts all the way here
8 Iowa State Acts of God vs 9 UConn Rapid Dogs
- The dogs looked good for awhile, but they can't beat a force of nature that can void insurance
12 Wichita St. Torturers vs VCU Swag
- Swag doesn't automatically make you 3 point shots like it did last year. Also the Torturers are a well conditioned group of lost souls
4 Indiana Polite Christian Neighbors vs 13 New Mexico State Blood Cretins
-It'll take a mighty beast to take down the Blood Cretins this year
3 Baylor Vomits vs 14 South Dakota St. Exiled Prophets
- Their new jerseys look like puke, but Baylor's never looked better
6 UNLV Prostitute Buyers vs Colorado Charging Wooly Beasts
-Buying a 'tute for a night actually makes you better at making foul shots
7 Notre Dame Fake Catholics vs Xavier School for Girls Who have Fornicated With Tu Holloway
-But seriously, I know people who did...
2 Duke Azure Satans vs Lehigh Leigh-Js
- Not even a Leigh-J can stop the wrath of a Blue Devil
WEST BRACKET
1 Michigan State SPARTAAAAAA vs LIU-Brooklyn Hipsters
-March Madness? THIS IS NOT FUNNY ANYMORE!
8 Memphis Jazz Cats vs 9 St Louis ?s
- I want SLU to win because they're mascot is a EWW WHAT IS THAT?
5 New Mexico Meth Addicts vs 12 Long Beach Snoop Doggs
- Ain't nuttin but a g thangg
4 Lousiville vs 13 Davidson Liberal Arts Wildcats
-Like a more douchey Kentucky
6 Murrary State Racists vs 11 Colorado St. Colons
- The racists have only one loss this year
3 Marquette Birds of Prey vs Iona Gentle Breezes
- Eagles soar off of your pathetic mascot
7 Florida Tebows vs Virginia Confederate Soldiers
- Tim Tebow went there!
2 Missouri Feral Beasts 2 vs 15 Norfolk State Antiquaited Clothings
-Like the Kentucky Feral beasts, but with a better draw!
EAST BRACKET
1 Syracuse Orange Colored Men vs 16 UNC Ashville Blood Motley
-Do they have jaundice?
8 Kansas St Blood Beasts vs Southern Mississippi Partially Lion Devoured Colosseum Fodder
-I always pick bloodthirsty beasts
5 Vanderbilt SAT Quantitative vs 12 Harvard SAT Verbal
-Better Engineering jobs out there
4 Wisconsin BadgerBadgerBadgers vs 13 Montana Blood Traitors
-Blood traitors outlast the Bloodlust bloodsluts
6 Cincinnati Yancy Gates vs 11 Texas Neutered Bulls
-Yancy: PUNCH. No seriously, he's a nice boy, they look some good these days.
3 Florida St Racist Terms vs St Bonaventure Papists
- Seminole isn't a real tribe, but they make threes
7 Gonzaga March Madness Equivalent of the US World Cup Team vs 10 WVU Sister Fornicators
-Looks like you're gonna do it every year, Zaga/US Mens, but you never do.
2 Ohio St Sentient Plants vs Loyola Homelessmen
- Sentient plants are our only hope vs zombies...
MIDWEST BRACKET
1 North Carolina Racist Term for Poor Black Children vs 16 Lamar Snowboards
-Seriously, isn't that what Tar Heel means?
8 Creighton Fightin' Penises vs 9 Alabama Euphemism for Menstration
- The Penises have been tearing it up in the genital league all yar
5 Temple BILL vs 12 California Idols
4 Michigan Mutants vs 13 OU COSBY
- If Temple plays OU, then maybe Billy Cosby will have an excuse to do this again:
6 San Diego State Disgraced Peoples vs 11 NC State Direwolves
-I couldn't go a whole post without mentioning Game of Thrones
3 Georgetown Classics Students vs 14 Belmont Death Bears
- I can't pick the Golden Bears against Temple, because I really need that Cosby rematch, so I'm picking these bears here.
7 St Marys Apostate Deniers vs 10 Purdue Fightin' Trains
-I'm not picking Notre Dame, I'm picking St. Marys.
2 Kansas Bleeding Ruffians vs 15 Detroit Unemployed Fat Men
- The Jayhawkers will senselessly massacre their opponents like they did in the civil war.
And in case you need to know, this is the rest of my bracket:
Theon Greyjoy is one of the better characters in the Song of Ice and Fire (Game of Thrones) books. He's sort of a background character for the first book, but by the second book (season 2 4/1/12) he gets fleshed out rather wonderfully.
The dude's got some real daddy issues. His dad was a prick and decided to lead a rebellion, which got utterly crushed. As a result, Theon, the only surviving Greyjoy son, was sent to be Ned Stark's ward. And Ned Stark is the world's greatest Dad. So Theon gets to a weird point where he can finally go home, his dream for years, but he likes his other family better. Real classic Daddy issues abound.
And speaking of family, I came to a weird realization. Theon is played by Alfie Allen.
Alfie.
...Allen.
No. It can't be, I gasp, as I type in "Alfie Allen" to my iTunes.
Oh shit. Theon Greyjoy is Lily Allen's slacker little brother Alfie. Like the song.
Since Lily's classic pop/dance/ska/n/a/seriouslytho/it'ssogood album "Alright, Still" came out in like 2006 or something, I have been familiar with the concept of her pothead, slacking, chronic masturbating brother Alfie.
But now, I can only imagine the puppet from the video having sex with a medieval prostitute.
.jpg)
