Bear with me here, for some reason I can't embed videos today...
ON WITH THE BLOGGING
As of today, I am certain of one thing:
Kim Kardashian
...is the real world version Tyrion Lannister, from Game of Thrones
Kim and Tyrion are more similar than we might admit. Ruling out the obvious gender and height differences, Kim's father Robert was one of the richest and most powerful men in California
and Tyrion's father Lord Tywin is the great Lion of the West
They both have, particular public personae that they live up to
Let's be honest, they're both rather Impish
And their both of their first marriages both lasted mere weeks, but that's neither here nor there...
But what really sells it is, under this guise of carefree party animals, they both can play the game very well.
Tyrion knew there was a rat in the small council- but he didn't know who. So he went to the small council, and told each one of them he was sending the princess to a different Kingdom.
Kim Kardashian just had a baby (North West, giggle). She is one of the most photographed people in the world. She wanted some semblance of privacy for her daughter, but she wanted to make sure she wouldn't be betrayed by her own "Small Council".
One of these fake pictures was picked up by the papparazzi.
And Kim knew which of her friends was the rat.
So one of two things happened here: either Kim K watches Game of Thrones
OR
Kim is more shrewd than her persona let's us believe, just like my other favorite Imp.
Spoilers ahead, to all citizens who have yet to see Man of Steel.
Socrates: Hail Glaucon, it is I, Socrates!
Glaucon: Socrates, trusted friend. Did you too view Man of Steel last weekend?
Socrates: Indeed; it is likely I have seen it. Being that it was the highest grossing June opening of all-time, it is logical that I would be in that number.
Glaucon: Socrates, this movie upset me. They have changed too much. They have ruined Superman.
S: Heavens, my dear Glaucon! How could they have ruined this character. As certainly I have too seen Man of Steel, I disagree it has ruined Superman. I ask you to suppose, Glaucon, what was so terrible about this film?
Was it the suit?
G: Indeed, I missed the bright red underwear.
S: The suit was dull and gray, yes, but all of the clothes on Krypton were such, so it is logical for Jor-El to make a similar outfit for Kal. It would be illogical for Jor-El to make a suit for his son with underwear on the outside when his people had no such garment?
G: Truly so. Then perhaps I am upset with Clark's brooding. Superman should not be as introspective and stoic as he was in this film.
S: To what end? If Superman is to work, he must be equal parts Jesus and Moses, no?
G: Who is Jesus? This is the Bronze Age Greece.
S: Don't fucking get all meta on me, dear Claucon.
G: Then yes, he must be a combination of Moses archetypes and Jesus archtypes.
S: Then it must be that Superman must be 33 years old, the same age Christ was when he died.
G: Truly.
S: So Superman must be 33 in the year 2013. Should any man born in 1980 not brood?
G: Men born in 1980 have unique lives. They grew up watching television. They listened to
Nirvana as a teenager. He watched 9/11 as a young man.
S: And would not have Superman prevented 9/11? Couldn't he have saved many lives in the towers?
G: He would not have revealed himself at such an early age.
S: Indeed, Superman being a child of the 80s completely changes his demeanor.
And let us assume the Dark Knight takes place in this same universe, as Christopher Nolan produced this film.
G: Yes, indeed! Why didn't Superman come to the aid of Gotham when Bane held the city for months?
S: If he could not reveal himself in New York, would he reveal himself in Gotham?
G: Indeed, this Superman must have lived through tragedy, unable to help, to prevent his identity. But this film then became too dark, and this film made Superman to do thing he should never.
S: Ah, Glaucon, you mean when Superman killed Zod.
G: Yes. Superman never kills.
S: And why is that?
G: Because he does not. He is above killing. He is the ideal hero and the ideal hero does not murder. He is the super-timocrat.
S: But why does he not kill? Certainly the reason cannot simply be because he does not?
G: It's in his moral code. You have seen this film: when he was a boy, he crushed the pole rather than harm the bully, when he was a man he walked away instead of fighting back against the drunk trucker. He does not harm.
S: Yes, but does not even fight at this point. He has had no opportunity to fight. Zod is his first real fight, therefore his first opportunity to kill. And after he kills Zod, he is obviously disturbed by the act.
G: Truly he was. It will be assumed the no killing clause will enter his morality by the next film. He will battle Luthor or Darksied or anyone, but he will be haunted by Zod's death. And then he will not kill.
S: Should we have assumed that in his first battle, his code of conduct is fully fleshed out?
G: Indeed no; no man is fully formed in their first great struggle.
S: Then therefore is Superman? This is his origin; if not killing is such an important part of his character, shouldn't we see the moment where he decides not to kill, instead of simply assuming he does not?
G: Then killing Zod was indeed the crux of his origin. Killing Zod was his weakest moment, where he formed his moral code. This was the low point that informed all of his high moral choices.
S: Indeed my dear friend. So how is he ruined?
G: Socrates, he is not. If anything it adds more depth to his moral code. He does not kill because he killed in his first fight, and it did not agree with him.
S: And thus, dear Glaucon, the hero is saved and has not perished. He hath become more grounded than he has been since the first movie, and I for one approve of Mr. Nolan and Mr. Snyder's take.
America has this weird obsession with the entertainment industry.
Ever since the the dawn of the arts, people have spent their lives entertaining others. There's nothing new or inherently modern about that. But artists or entertainers being this higher species of human, these gods that we can't strive to be or know, that we should obsess over their every whim, that's a recent trend.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, there are few people in entertainment business who I would truly want to know on a personal level. Few I would want as a friend. Few I would truly admire.
There is one director who I want to be best friends with. Who I think is the coolest woman alive.
And her name, is Lexi Alexander.
THE FACTS:
Lexi is from Mannheim, Germany (so is Daniel Eckert, my favorite German in the world).
She was the world kickboxing champion at 19.
In her 20s, she played Kitana in Mortal Kombat: Live.
That's her in the blue. Ok, sidenote: MORTAL KOMBAT: LIVE!? This was a thing we had in the 90s? How has Buzzfeed never dedicated an article to this? Man the 90s were absolutely ridiculous. You know, in the most X-TREME way possible.
So, for all of the other badass things Lexi has done, including an Academy Award Nominated Short (which was apparently so good, it made one reviewer say, "Fuck 'Rocky', this is the best film about a boxer that I’ve ever seen."), I am enamored over Lexi for the one major motion picture she ever made.
Punisher: War Zone.
Punisher: War Zone. The 2nd reboot of the Punisher. And if there was ever a character that needed two reboots, it was him.
When Dolph Lundgren played him, he didn't even wear a skull on his chest
And in the Thomas Jane movie, the villain was fat John Travolta.
So when Lexi got to be the director, she wanted her Punisher to be the most Punishy-iest Punisher to ever appear on screen.
We're not talking Wolverine here, who although he's covered in blood in the comics
He somehow stays dry in every X-Men movie...
Nope. We're talking about Frank Castle:
The Punisher is the living embodiment of America's love of violence for violence's sake. Lexi Alexander got that from jump street.
This scene takes place about 5 minutes into the movie. I repeat, this is the opening fucking scene.
The first kill in this movie is a decapitation.
I would be happy if that was the big finale kill. Nope, this is the opening kill. This movie's beginning looks like any other action movie's ending.
Yeah, this is how the Punisher should work.
And Lexi doesn't just spend the rest of the movie being quintessentially Punisher, she also get's self referential toward other action movies.
This was 2008. Do you remember the stupid wave of pakour scenes in action movies. Punisher: War Zone has a parkour scene...
...in which the little freerunning fucks get bodily disintegrated by Frank Castle's rocket launcher.
And you cheer along.
Now, there have been plenty of R-rated comic book movies: Blade, Sin City, Watchmen.
But none of them, until Punisher: War Zone, have been directed by a woman.
And it's not like women don't direct action movies, because Katheryn Bigelow.
And it's not like women don't make bloody movies, because Mary Harron
But other than Lexi Alexander, female directors don't overtly try to make stylistically violent shoot 'em up fests like Punisher: War Zone. And why not?
If someone wants to be an inspiration to women in the arts, I see no better way than to beat the boys at their own game: blood and guts. And Lexi made a movie in which the Punisher
a) punches a man through (not in) the face and
b) shoots a man's head off before he can be arrested
IN THE SAME SCENE
We don't have a female Quentin Tarantino, and the only reason why is because this is Lexi's only big movie.
I love this movie, but it bombed in the box office. And mainly, this is because nerds weren't reviewing it. As this movie ages, it gets rectified, by me and my nerds. When my people did see this movie, we loved it. It was a revelation! I mean, you saw the opening scene; the first kill involves a man's head being cleaved from his neck! That's the Punisher.
And guess what boys, a woman did that.
So there you go; if there was ever a woman I was going to rally behind, and that I would dare to declare a feminist icon, it's gotta be Lexi.
Kickboxer
Kitana
Director of one of the most violent, gore filled, balls to the wall action movies, that makes me jump on my chair and scream "FUCK YES!!! KILL THEM ALL!! WHOOOOO!",
it's Lexi Alexander.
And if I ever meet her, beer's on me.
