I was in love. I thought we'd be together forever.
You know how sometimes you name who your free pass would be? Like if you could get an exeption to sleep with one other person? I said Christina Hedricks. My ex said some guy they new.
Wait a minute, that's fucked up! I know that guy. But my ex consoled me. Together forever. It was the happiest year of my life.
Until my ex became, well, my ex. And left me for the other guy.
I try to ignore them, but they're everywhere, and they're so damn happy. I can't turn on the TV without seeing them. And living in Indiana is harsh, because everyone is so happy for them in this state.
I have become incredibly jealous, and I just want to punch that smug smile of off his chubby face.
You see, my "ex" is Brian Kelly, and the other man is Notre Dame. And I am a Cincinnati fan.
In the midst of Cincinnati's 12-0 season in 2009, Brian Kelly left, right before the Sugar Bowl to become the coach of Notre Dame. His dream school.
I was angry when it happened. I know understand that if you're the new coach at Notre Dame, you've gotta start recruiting as soon as possible, you're the coach at Notre Dame after all. And Tim Tebow was gonna destroy Cincy at the Sugar Bowl anyway. It hurt when he left, but it was business.
Brian Kelly got off to a rough start at ND, and jealous as shit, I started dating Brian's little sister Butch.
I mean seriously, Cincy gets Kelly from Central Michigan, then he leaves for Notre Dame, so Cincy hires the next Central Michigan coach? It's like dating an ex's sister.
So needless to say, Butch was never the one. I was sad to see Butch go, but it was never true, 12-0 love. Not like Brian.
Next thing I know, Brian and ND have a 12-0 season of their own. Brian is named girlfriend of the year by the AP, and now, they're going to the national championship.
What sucks is, I have realized the truth.
Notre is where Brian Kelly was always destined to end up. It's a perfect fit for him, as the perfect season demonstrates. He's happy (which he never truly was at cincy), and the two of them are going to have a long happy life together.
...Just don't get used to this every year: When OSU is Bowl Eligible, Cincy's evil stepsister Ohio State and it's buff new boyfriend Urban are going to kick your ass, as I laugh passive aggressively.
So Cincy is single again... and we've already shacked up with this guy:
Yes, Tommy Tuberville is a good coach, and went 13-0 at an SEC school, but he's a crazy person. He's that girl at the bar with too much eye makeup and an upper body covered in tattoos.
Yeah, when people in Taiwan are talking about how crazy an American football coach is, you know he's crossed a line:
Also, Taiwan thinks Cincy is a football juggernaut! Yay! Someone likes us!
Anyway, every wild child has to slow down at some point. We're basically buying Tommy a big house and telling him be a housewife.
Will it work? Who knows; but it's about time Nippert Stadium got more seats.
The best relationship advice I ever received was given to me by Yorick Brown, in the comic book series "Y: The Last Man":
"Go out there and get your heart broken into, so it's ready when you really need it."
Any heartbreak, in an actual relationship or with upwardly mobile football coaches, isn't permanent. Your heart isn't broken beyond repair, it's just in a process of being broken in. One day, you'll find the one. And when the one comes along, your heart will be ready.
Is Tuberville the one? I can't answer that. All I know is that when Cincinnati football finds it's coach that will stick with them, we'll be ready.
Till then, Bearcats basketball has Mick Cronin. True Love
No comments:
Post a Comment