Once upon a time, these athletes were my heroes; I have previously poured out my undying affection for Steve Sabol, and the mythos he created with NFL films. But the older I get, the more I see of the MO of career athletes; when it comes down to it, the players of the NFL are mostly oversexed, drunken maniacs. I'm looking at you, Ben, heir to the dick-wagging throne of Gondor.
Brett Favre's a pervert, Michael Vick was imprisoned for being a sociopath, The entire Minnesotta Vikings team was busted for keeping a yacht full of prostitutes, which may have been cool with actual Vikings, but the State of Minneapolis frowns upon it. Hell, I love Eli Manning, but he had a one night stand with Britney Spears back in the day, which is the antithesis of classy.
Still, there are a few NFL players I respect as men. And the ones I do, I will defend to the end of time. Which is apparently...right now. So I have to get this off of my chest...
5- Dhani Jones
Now, I concede that Dhani is recently retired, so I'm making an exception. Everyone on this list is an active NFL player, save for Mr. Jones. That's Dhani Jones is my all-time NFL gentleman pick.
Dhani Jones deserves the remarkable credit for being a one time Giant and an Eagle, which is like being a former Jet and Former shark. Dhani is a bow tie aficionado, patron of the arts, and host of his own travel show, Dhani Tackles the Globe. He lives in Mt. Adams, Cincinnati, were he owns his own cafe, Bow Tie Cafe. Post his NFL career, he has become a cyclist of some reknown.
He is always seen smiling. I want to hang out with him, and I want to sip tea and wear bow ties and suits, and talk about world travel. Then I want to go to a bar and tell him about my insecurities as we watch Latina girls dance.
Dhani Jones is the kind of friend I have always wanted to have; his is the company I strive to keep.
4-Peyton Manning
Peyton is the funniest professional athlete in America. Athletes appear in advertisements all of the time, and most of them are terrible. Yet Peyton keeps popping up in ads. Because he's legitimately hilarious.
Athletes appear on SNL every once and a while. I have tried to purge most of them from my memory. Yes, you, Michael.
Yet every joke Peyton told on SNL landed perfectly:
Peyton is a national treasure- not for anything he did on the football field, but because he's one of the funniest men in America. Keep making us smile, Peyton, with your arm and your wit.
3- Tim Tebow
Wait wait wait, let me explain.
I am not one of those people who is obsessed with Tim Tebow.
I recognize that there is empirical evidence that he is a bad quarterback.
And I recognize that "Tim Tebow Leads the Broncos to the Playoffs" was more accurately "Broncos Defense Holds Teams to Under 20 Points, So Not Even Tim Tebow Could Mess it Up", or maybe, "Von Miller Leads Broncos to Playoffs".
But I will say this:
In a sport where the stars are all too often sexual deviants who take themselves far too seriously...
there's something encouraging to be said about a star who practices abstinence and leads prayer circles.
Tim was the catalyst to let everyone stop and realize, this is just a game.
He wasn't doing it to brag, rather Tim was just Tim; even when he was the darling of the NFL, he was never bigger then the game.
Even if he's going most likely be out of the league by next year, he was still a star for a year. And it was a year of fresh air. I hope they love him in the CFL.
2- Chris Kluwe
Chris Kluwe is a punter. He's also a nerd; his twitter handle is ChrisWarcraft.
But it's easier to list the things he's not.
He's not a coward. He's not a bigot. And he's certainly not one to keep quiet when he fells passionate about something.
Maryland congressman Emmett C. Burns made remarks concerning a certain NFL player (not even Kluwe, btw) making statements for gay rights. Congressman Burns said this had no place in sports.
Kluwe didn't agree.
His response was one of the greatest things this blogger has ever read.
The whole piece is here, but I'll give you the highlights.
"It baffles me that a man such as yourself, a man who relies on that same First Amendment to pursue your own religious studies without fear of persecution from the state, could somehow justify stifling another person's right to speech. To call that hypocritical would be to do a disservice to the word. Mindfucking obscenely hypocritical starts to approach it a little bit."
"...the mental gymnastics your brain has to tortuously contort itself through to make such a preposterous statement are surely worthy of an Olympic gold medal (the Russian judge gives you a 10 for "beautiful oppressionism")."
"If gay marriage becomes legal, are you worried that all of a sudden you'll start thinking about penis? "Oh shit. Gay marriage just passed. Gotta get me some of that hot dong action!" Will all of your friends suddenly turn gay and refuse to come to your Sunday Ticket grill-outs? (Unlikely, since gay people enjoy watching football too.)
I can assure you that gay people getting married will have zero effect on your life. They won't come into your house and steal your children. They won't magically turn you into a lustful cockmonster"
Yes, he wrote a letter to a congressman that read lustful cockmonster .
Next thing you know, he's on the cover of Out Magazine; he's an Ally icon
My favorite way of putting life into perspective is to recast events in light of high school. This is a jock sticking up for the gay kids in his school. There has to be a contingent of jocks in his school who want to kick his ass, but he was honestly so sly with his wrath (once again, cockmonster is a compound word) that you can't be angry at him.
Jocks and homophobia are sadly too often confounded. Sadly, because there are athlete allies out there, like good old Chris Warcraft.
1- Andre Johnson
Andre Johnson has quietly become one of the best Wide Receivers in the NFL.
But is most impressive stat is 19k. That's how much he spent at a Toy 'R Us on toys for children in the Houston area.
Now, when jaded old me saw this photo, I thought "oh, well it's not like he adopted any of those kids"...
That's because he is already raising another man's son.
You seriously owe it to yourself to watch that whole video.
If not, the gist is:
Andre's best friend died. He left behind a widow and a infant son.
So Andre has been raising Cyril ever since his father died.
Also Andre started a foundation that mentors the children of single mothers.
Now, many will remember a rather infamous incident in Andre's career, a bench clearing brawl between him and Cortland Finnegan.
Now, know this: Finnegan is the dirtiest player in the NFL bar none.
As any older brother can tell you, sometimes you get taunted all day and no one notices until you hit your little brother back.
So Andre hit the dirtiest player back. I can't even blame him.
Andre apologized to the Texans fans the next day, and a part of me knows for sure that he apologized to Cyril.
But let's get off the football field. Andre Johnson, beyond the touchdowns, or the fights, or the wins, is giving a child a father. Andre never knew his father, and he is dedicating his life to being an active force for good in a young boy's life. Even if he wins a Super Bowl, this is still his greatest achievement.
He is my favorite football player, for everything he's done off the field.
When I was a boy, athletes were always my role models for their incredible feats on the field. As a man, Andre Johnson is my role model because he is a good and decent man, and after all, that's what's truly important.
