Sex, Lies, and Letter People

If you have been an American human child since the 70s, you have probably learned letters and sounds with the letter people.

But deep in the bowels of this noble children's enterprise lies a dark and secret letter people society.

Things that are known about the letter people:

1- They live in Letter People Land. It apparently has something to do with dogs and balloons.






2- All consonants are boys, and all vowels are girls. Realistically, this would cause two major problems: firstly, evolutionarily, this would put you in a insect like position for breeding and mating, with the girls being like five Queen Bees. Twenty one guys trying to screw five girls would cause major infighting between the male consonants. Actually, there is a letter people precedent for this kind of backstabbing, Cotton Candy C and Kicking K got in a Hatfields and McCoys brawl.

And before you say anything, yes, the letter people reproduce. I think.

You see, it was a tradition at my grade school every year to have a letter people wedding, where two corresponding letters would be wed. Basically, the kids dressed up like the letter people/ a bride and groom and had a little ceremony.
I was Mr D and I wed Ms. E. I can't remember what that girl's name was (Highland kids reading this, help me out here) who played Ms. E. She was like French or Belgian or something. And then she moved. That would probably be the give away. Well whatever.

AND NO. There will not be embarrassing pictures of young me getting married on the internet. Just as there will never be pics of little me on facebook. My mother has ruined baby pictures for me. Every time you walk into her house, you will see, prominently displayed, every baby picture of every human she has ever met. Including young, fat lisping, me. So yeah, the concept of friendly sharing baby pics has been blown wide open for me.
Conversation I have with anyone who comes to my mom's:
"baby pictures are so cute, can I see all of yours at once?"
" POORLY TRANSLATED DO NOT WANT!!!"

Anyway, the letter people are indeed breeding; marriage (however non cannon it is) would imply pair bonding and mating. How else do you explain the pimp of all pimps Mr. V?
Embedding disabled by request!!!

And of course, as the theme song states, the letter people are a family (there should have been a point three somewhere). So yes, their humping leads to inbreeding. And inbreeding results in Mr X

His song (again, the gods of embedding are laughing at this blog) sounds like the nightmares I have when I fall asleep listening to krautrock



And finally (4) what's up with Mr. Y? He's a boy, but sometimes he's a vowel...

at first, I pictured Mr. Y as a kindly old transsexual 

But if you watch that clip, he's really just bored, which drives him to go bi...

Oh come on, Dom, that Bowie and Jagger being bi thing is an urban legend.

ok, hard evidence.

OTHER LETTER STAND OUTS
Ms. A
And apparently A is for Allergy pride parade


Mr. Q
The Quiet one. You always gotta look out for the quiet ones...



Mr H
And H is for Hungarian Immigrant. Just listen to that music.

Mr T

I'm kinda surprised that the Letter People never sued Mr T in the 80s. But I can see why. There's no reason to add insult to injury for a guy who so rapidly went from rad as balls...


...to this



And of course, My Most favorite, who's song, which I can still sing all the words to, is probably the genesis of my love for Jesus Christ Superstar, Mr M




FUCK YEAH WE'RE EMBEDDING!

(But seriously, that song is What's the Buzz from JCS)


This album cover will look familiar to anyone who has seen me shirtless.

But the best thing I've discovered in my Letter People quest is this, from the Wikipedia page:

"The Letter People consists of 60 episodes. In each 15-minute installment, the Letter People (relatively primitive puppets) undertake various adventures in Letter People Land, a dark, featureless place populated by strange people and creatures. Episodes usually focus on introducing new Letter People or new sounds formed by combining two Letter People together (such as /CH/ or /OU/). Other episodes take the Letter People to more exotic (though still featureless) locales such as outer space (eventually, the show would include more standard scenery, like cityscapes, meadows, Miss O's opera house, etc), while a few highlight the characters' conflicts over various sounds (such as Mr. C fighting Mr. K and Mr. S for his sound)."

Yes that's right. someone out there is so obsessed with the Letter People that they went out of their way to make sure that the Wikipedia page reflects how shitty the show's 70s PBS budget was...

Real Madness

This week March Madness begins! I figured that I ought to post my bracket here on my blog.

That just doing that isn't my style. So, to accentuate the Madness in March, here are my true March Madness pics- a lock for winning the office pool, wooing that secret crush, or killing Adrien Brody with your mind for paralyzing your grandmother.

SOUTH BRACKET
1 Kentucky Feral Beasts vs 16 Doesn't Matters
    - Feral Beasts all the way here
8 Iowa State Acts of God vs 9 UConn Rapid Dogs
     - The dogs looked good for awhile, but they can't beat a force of nature that can void insurance
12 Wichita St. Torturers vs VCU Swag
      - Swag doesn't automatically make you 3 point shots like it did last year. Also the Torturers are a well conditioned group of lost souls
4 Indiana Polite Christian Neighbors vs 13 New Mexico State Blood Cretins
      -It'll take a mighty beast to take down the Blood Cretins this year
3 Baylor Vomits vs 14 South Dakota St. Exiled Prophets
     - Their new jerseys look like puke, but Baylor's never looked better
 6 UNLV Prostitute Buyers vs Colorado Charging Wooly Beasts
     -Buying a 'tute for a night actually makes you better at making foul shots
7 Notre Dame Fake Catholics vs Xavier School for Girls Who have Fornicated With Tu Holloway
    -But seriously, I know people who did...
2 Duke Azure Satans vs Lehigh Leigh-Js
    - Not even a Leigh-J can stop the wrath of a Blue Devil

WEST BRACKET
1 Michigan State SPARTAAAAAA vs LIU-Brooklyn Hipsters
     -March Madness? THIS IS NOT FUNNY ANYMORE!
8 Memphis Jazz Cats vs 9 St Louis ?s
      - I want SLU to win because they're mascot is a EWW WHAT IS THAT?
5 New Mexico Meth Addicts vs 12 Long Beach Snoop Doggs
     - Ain't nuttin but a g thangg
4 Lousiville vs 13 Davidson Liberal Arts Wildcats
     -Like a more douchey Kentucky
6 Murrary State Racists vs 11 Colorado St. Colons
      - The racists have only one loss this year
3 Marquette Birds of Prey vs Iona Gentle Breezes
       - Eagles soar off of your pathetic mascot
7 Florida Tebows vs Virginia Confederate Soldiers
       - Tim Tebow went there!
2 Missouri Feral Beasts 2 vs 15 Norfolk State Antiquaited Clothings
     -Like the Kentucky Feral beasts, but with a better draw!

EAST BRACKET

1 Syracuse Orange Colored Men vs 16 UNC Ashville Blood Motley
     -Do they have jaundice?
8 Kansas St Blood Beasts vs Southern Mississippi Partially Lion Devoured Colosseum Fodder
    -I always pick bloodthirsty beasts
5 Vanderbilt SAT Quantitative vs 12 Harvard SAT Verbal
    -Better Engineering jobs out there
4 Wisconsin BadgerBadgerBadgers vs 13 Montana Blood Traitors
    -Blood traitors outlast the Bloodlust bloodsluts
6 Cincinnati Yancy Gates vs 11 Texas Neutered Bulls
    -Yancy: PUNCH. No seriously, he's a nice boy, they look some good these days.
3 Florida St Racist Terms vs St Bonaventure Papists
    - Seminole isn't a real tribe, but they make threes
7 Gonzaga March Madness Equivalent of the US World Cup Team vs 10 WVU Sister Fornicators
     -Looks like you're gonna do it every year, Zaga/US Mens, but you never do.
2 Ohio St Sentient Plants vs Loyola Homelessmen
     - Sentient plants are our only hope vs zombies...

MIDWEST BRACKET
1 North Carolina Racist Term for Poor Black Children vs 16 Lamar Snowboards
     -Seriously, isn't that what Tar Heel means?
8 Creighton Fightin' Penises vs 9 Alabama Euphemism for Menstration
     - The Penises have been tearing it up in the genital league all yar
5 Temple BILL vs 12 California Idols
4 Michigan Mutants vs 13 OU COSBY
    - If Temple plays OU, then maybe Billy Cosby will have an excuse to do this again:



6 San Diego State Disgraced Peoples vs 11 NC State Direwolves
     -I couldn't go a whole post without mentioning Game of Thrones
3 Georgetown Classics Students vs 14 Belmont Death Bears
     - I can't pick the Golden Bears against Temple, because I really need that Cosby rematch, so I'm picking these bears here.
7 St Marys Apostate Deniers vs 10 Purdue Fightin' Trains
     -I'm not picking Notre Dame, I'm picking St. Marys.
2 Kansas Bleeding Ruffians vs 15 Detroit Unemployed Fat Men
    - The Jayhawkers will senselessly massacre their opponents like they did in the civil war.

And in case you need to know, this is the rest of my bracket:

Family Ties

Theon Greyjoy is one of the better characters in the Song of Ice and Fire (Game of Thrones) books. He's sort of a background character for the first book, but by the second book (season 2 4/1/12) he gets fleshed out rather wonderfully.

The dude's got some real daddy issues. His dad was a prick and decided to lead a rebellion, which got utterly crushed. As a result, Theon, the only surviving Greyjoy son, was sent to be Ned Stark's ward. And Ned Stark is the world's greatest Dad. So Theon gets to a weird point where he can finally go home, his dream for years, but he likes his other family better. Real classic Daddy issues abound.

And speaking of family, I came to a weird realization. Theon is played by Alfie Allen.
Alfie.
...Allen.

No. It can't be, I gasp, as I type in "Alfie Allen" to my iTunes.



Oh shit. Theon Greyjoy is Lily Allen's slacker little brother Alfie. Like the song.

Since Lily's classic pop/dance/ska/n/a/seriouslytho/it'ssogood album "Alright, Still" came out in like 2006 or something, I have been familiar with the concept of her pothead, slacking, chronic masturbating brother Alfie.

But now, I can only imagine the puppet from the video having sex with a medieval prostitute.

NSFW- WINTER IS COMING
 Seriously, I warned you

So for anyone who has read Clash of Kings, back me up on this, are you also picturing Asha Greyjoy being played by Lily Allen?

I could maybe see that

X-Friends Issue 3

On On Fantasy

I was having a bad day yesterday. But suddenly, my day turned around. HBO posted this picture on the internet.

For those of you that don't immediately recognize these people, this is a still of Stannis Baratheon and Melisandre the Red Woman, my two favorite characters from George R.R. Martin's Song of Ice and Fire books. I was overjoyed. There they were, human actors bringing two of my favorite fantasy constructs to life. Yesterday was a good day; I escaped to escapism. That night I beat story mode in Soul Calibur 5 and read X-Men comics.

Sci-Fi and Fantasy exist for bad days. If the real world isn't cutting it, who says you can't go to Westeros or the Xavier Mansion? I remember being eleven and twelve; I was an awkward child who was overweight and lisped. Where did I go to get away from it all? Redwall Abbey.

As a preteen, I knew the halls of Redwall Abbey and the woods of Mossflower as well as I knew my own neighborhood. I could draw the map like a self portrait, I could recite all the Redwallers in order to wield the sword of Martin the Warrior, I could speak in the quasi-Scottish Molespeak. This level of escaping into my favorite fantasy worlds continued as I aged: I know far too much about Fire Emblem, and in the words of Alex Brennan I "know more about Magneto's family tree than [my] own".

Then in 2011 while I was studying Latin in the CCM Library, I looked at Twitter's trending topics and began to cry. It read: RIP Brian Jacques.

I never once met the author of Redwall. I've barely even heard him speak. But it moved me when he died. He wrote stories about mice and squirrels who live in castles. And I lived there. I spent my childhood by the creek with Dean and our friend Sam pretending it was Mossflower Woods. He wrote words that lived within his imagination, but it became a part of mine. It was a part of my life. It was my solace. It was my home.

I still run head first into fantasy, and on days when I don't, I seem to be dragged in head first. My aunt once showed me a musing once that summed it up. By who?

Who else, George R. R. Martin.




   "The best fantasy is written in the language of dreams. It is alive as dreams are alive, more real than real ... for a moment at least ... that long magic moment before we wake.

     Fantasy is silver and scarlet, indigo and azure, obsidian veined with gold and lapis lazuli. Reality is plywood and plastic, done up in mud brown and olive drab. Fantasy tastes of habaneros and honey, cinnamon and cloves, rare red meat and wines as sweet as summer. Reality is beans and tofu, and ashes at the end. Reality is the strip malls of Burbank, the smokestacks of Cleveland, a parking garage in Newark. Fantasy is the towers of Minas Tirith, the ancient stones of Gormenghast, the halls of Camelot. Fantasy flies on the wings of Icarus, reality on Southwest Airlines. Why do our dreams become so much smaller when they finally come true?

     We read fantasy to find the colors again, I think. To taste strong spices and hear the songs the sirens sang. There is something old and true in fantasy that speaks to something deep within us, to the child who dreamt that one day he would hunt the forests of the night, and feast beneath the hollow hills, and find a love to last forever somewhere south of Oz and north of Shangri-La.

     They can keep their heaven. When I die, I'd sooner go to middle Earth."

Songs I Usta Liek

I was born in 1989, my oldest brother was born in 1979. When he first got into pop music, the radio was all grunge and gangsta rap. So in a moral blitz from the sonic onslaught of Biggie Smalls and Nirvana, my mom put a ban on pop radio in the house. An overreaction, yes, but like a preacher's son to corn liquor, I eventually found pop music. It was a bit like a speakeasy; I listened to Kiss FM in the car with my older brothers, I would hang out with neighborhood friends at 4pm after school so I could watch TRL at their houses. I became adept at switching the cable from MTV on channel 3a to Nickelodeon on 3b. Do you remember when cable had A and B?
It was late 99- 2000. Does the music I first got into still hold up today? Probably not.

BARENAKED LADIES- Pinch Me



I had been vaguely aware of this band years earlier, for that "Chickety-China" song. But I never got into to before I heard this hit. Still one of the Ladies' classics, a positive yet depressing song as only BNL can do about the malaise of coming back home after after being famous. But let's not lie; they just made you say underwear. As a lonely 6th grader, I asked for this album for Christmas 2000. It was the first album I memorized word for happy sounding but actually sad word. I had found my first love, and kindred spirits.

Legacy: BNL needed a bit hit after One Week, lest they be known as that Chickety-China band. They pulled a classic pop trick and sang sad words happily and added Pet Sounds backup harmonies, with a little white boy rapping, and grew there cult fanbase with another top 10 hit.
Does it hold up?: Yes. It sounds a bit dated, with the drum loop and the chorus, but it sounds like an era of post hip-hop pop that the Ladies snuggled into. And when Ed makes you say underwear, the guitar gives a little laugh in the background. This is what good pop music is.

AEROSMITH- Jaded



Aerosmith, at the end of their run was a pop group. This song has more hooks than when Oasis goes fishing. That was the best and worst joke I have ever made. This song is huge: Joe Perry monster riffs, random Britney Spears-esque percussive gasps, swells of strings and a wonderful performance by Steven Tyler, who sings fearlessly here, crushing every high note and snarling through the middle register.

Legacy: Aerosmith's last real hit, on their worst album, and only released because the record label would drop them if they didn't. This is pop Aerosmith, and soon after this song was released, they played the Super Bowl with *NSYNC.
But does it hold up? Kinda. For how obviously tailored to be on the radio it was, everything works. You can still spend a day listening to this and not get bored. It's no Walk this Way, but thank God it's not Girls of Summer or Just Push Play or any of the really bad Aerosmith songs.

SISQO- Thong Song



I had no idea who Dru Hill were. I had no idea what dumps like a truck meant. I had no idea what a thong was. But Sisqo made me aware. I now consider myself an assman, thanks in large part to this video and the general infectiousness of shouting "THONG-THA-THONG-THONG-THONG".

Legacy: The song of the summer of '00, this never made it to #1. It did give the formulaic ballad released on its heels "Incomplete" the momentum to go to #1, but you can't even remember that song. Sisqo is regarded as a one-hit wonder for his non-number-one.
But does it hold up?: Sometimes. Put this on in your car and be ridiculed. But it on at a party and watch the madness ensue.

SMOOTH- Santana and Rob Thomas



After Ricky Martin waged war on the US charts and his compatriots followed suit, 60s guitar god Carlos Santana decided to get back onto the pop charts. He recruited then chartoppers and cut a new album. The lead off single is this monster jam with Rob Thomas from Matchbox 20, a song written to be a Santana type song. And damn it, he wrote a Santana song. And old Carlos dominated every award in 99-2000.

Legacy: What you are listening to is a beautiful thing. This is an icon going pop without sacrificing his integrity. This is the anti-sellout. This is a match burning twice. This is Santana as a pop star, while still playing his guitar the same way that got him to be a guitar hero. This is how you cross over.
Also, Smooth is the second biggest hit in the history of the Billboard 100, second to only The Twist. Bigger the Elvis, bigger than the Beatles, second only to the song that broke rock and roll to adults.
But does it hold up?: Abso-fucking-lutely. This is a master musician's most accessible song. That riff wails and makes you feel like a hot day in the sun in a Hispanic neighborhood. That outro solo is one of the best solos featured in a #1 pop record. Every other little fill is like a gasp of fresh air during a stifling night at a club. And the beat just makes you groove. It's an absolute classic.

BAHA MEN- Who Let the Dogs Out?



Who let the dogs out? Who let the dogs out? Who let the dogs out? Who let the dogs out?
THIS. SONG.WAS. EVERYWHERE. I had this cd. I admit it, I did.

Legacy: We don't know who let the dogs out. But play this at any sporting event and everyone will bark. But still, you never listened to the lyrics of the song enough to understand the narrative. And you probz don't remember how the verses and bridge sound (hint:lame). But you know the chorus. WHO LET THE DOGS OUT? Years later when Sean Paul got huge, the Baha Men saw it coming. But they saw it from home, as they never had a hit again.
But does it hold up?: Fuck No

Contrary to the character I play on my blog, I do other things than watch My Little Pony and Game of Thrones all day.

                                      You know, Rarity is the lamest. Good pick, Dosh Khaleen.

But seriously, sometime I sports. And this is my favorite sporting event of the year- The Super Bowl; which I can say on my blog without needed to buy the rights to.

About this time last year, I accurately picked the Super Bowl winner by declaring the Packers winning would make a better sports movie (starring BJ Novak)

Thus this Sunday is a matchup between the Giants and Patriots. Who's story is better? Let's look at the storylines:

#1 Eli "Abel" Manning
For Eli's whole career he has been the whimpy younger brother to Peyton "Laser-Rocket-Arm" Manning, God's gift to quarterbacks.

But let's look at the facts:
-Peyton is a stud in the regular season, but
- He's just kinda meh in the playoffs.
-Peyton's been in roughly twice as many playoff games as Eli, but they've won about the same number of games
-All but one of those Eli wins is on the road (NFL record btw)
-They've both won the same number of Super Bowls (one)
-and Eli has never lost a Super Bowl, meaning he beat the Patriots, the team that Peyton could never beat

If Eli wins this weekend, we might have a classic "younger brother gives a more perfect offering scenario". Will Eli outshine Peyton if he wins another Super Bowl. Maybe. If he wins two more, most likely. And with Peyton's career uncertain, Eli's career might be on the up and up.

#2 Tom Brady is Angry

You guys remember this, right?


Yeah so does Tom Brady. That was supposed to be an easy win. That was supposed to cap off a perfect season and move him past Bob Griese for most perfect QB, and give him his fourth Super Bowl win, putting Brady in a tie for most with Terry Bradshaw and Joe Montana. But it didn't. And Brady remembers.
So, do you think the Patriots, who so desperately wanted to beat the New York Jets in the regular season that they stole paperwork form the Democratic National Convention headquarters in the Spygate hotel (or something) are gonna hold back with a second chance to beat the Giants?

#3 Is Tim Tebow in this game?

No, because the Patriots beat him. And the Giants will avenge him. Go Tebows!

#4 The Literal Translation




umm...
If that's the case and the mascots are actually playing each other, how can the Titans ever lose?

..I heard their quarterback Kronos cut off his coach's balls just to prove a point.