Sex, Lies, and Letter People

If you have been an American human child since the 70s, you have probably learned letters and sounds with the letter people.

But deep in the bowels of this noble children's enterprise lies a dark and secret letter people society.

Things that are known about the letter people:

1- They live in Letter People Land. It apparently has something to do with dogs and balloons.






2- All consonants are boys, and all vowels are girls. Realistically, this would cause two major problems: firstly, evolutionarily, this would put you in a insect like position for breeding and mating, with the girls being like five Queen Bees. Twenty one guys trying to screw five girls would cause major infighting between the male consonants. Actually, there is a letter people precedent for this kind of backstabbing, Cotton Candy C and Kicking K got in a Hatfields and McCoys brawl.

And before you say anything, yes, the letter people reproduce. I think.

You see, it was a tradition at my grade school every year to have a letter people wedding, where two corresponding letters would be wed. Basically, the kids dressed up like the letter people/ a bride and groom and had a little ceremony.
I was Mr D and I wed Ms. E. I can't remember what that girl's name was (Highland kids reading this, help me out here) who played Ms. E. She was like French or Belgian or something. And then she moved. That would probably be the give away. Well whatever.

AND NO. There will not be embarrassing pictures of young me getting married on the internet. Just as there will never be pics of little me on facebook. My mother has ruined baby pictures for me. Every time you walk into her house, you will see, prominently displayed, every baby picture of every human she has ever met. Including young, fat lisping, me. So yeah, the concept of friendly sharing baby pics has been blown wide open for me.
Conversation I have with anyone who comes to my mom's:
"baby pictures are so cute, can I see all of yours at once?"
" POORLY TRANSLATED DO NOT WANT!!!"

Anyway, the letter people are indeed breeding; marriage (however non cannon it is) would imply pair bonding and mating. How else do you explain the pimp of all pimps Mr. V?
Embedding disabled by request!!!

And of course, as the theme song states, the letter people are a family (there should have been a point three somewhere). So yes, their humping leads to inbreeding. And inbreeding results in Mr X

His song (again, the gods of embedding are laughing at this blog) sounds like the nightmares I have when I fall asleep listening to krautrock



And finally (4) what's up with Mr. Y? He's a boy, but sometimes he's a vowel...

at first, I pictured Mr. Y as a kindly old transsexual 

But if you watch that clip, he's really just bored, which drives him to go bi...

Oh come on, Dom, that Bowie and Jagger being bi thing is an urban legend.

ok, hard evidence.

OTHER LETTER STAND OUTS
Ms. A
And apparently A is for Allergy pride parade


Mr. Q
The Quiet one. You always gotta look out for the quiet ones...



Mr H
And H is for Hungarian Immigrant. Just listen to that music.

Mr T

I'm kinda surprised that the Letter People never sued Mr T in the 80s. But I can see why. There's no reason to add insult to injury for a guy who so rapidly went from rad as balls...


...to this



And of course, My Most favorite, who's song, which I can still sing all the words to, is probably the genesis of my love for Jesus Christ Superstar, Mr M




FUCK YEAH WE'RE EMBEDDING!

(But seriously, that song is What's the Buzz from JCS)


This album cover will look familiar to anyone who has seen me shirtless.

But the best thing I've discovered in my Letter People quest is this, from the Wikipedia page:

"The Letter People consists of 60 episodes. In each 15-minute installment, the Letter People (relatively primitive puppets) undertake various adventures in Letter People Land, a dark, featureless place populated by strange people and creatures. Episodes usually focus on introducing new Letter People or new sounds formed by combining two Letter People together (such as /CH/ or /OU/). Other episodes take the Letter People to more exotic (though still featureless) locales such as outer space (eventually, the show would include more standard scenery, like cityscapes, meadows, Miss O's opera house, etc), while a few highlight the characters' conflicts over various sounds (such as Mr. C fighting Mr. K and Mr. S for his sound)."

Yes that's right. someone out there is so obsessed with the Letter People that they went out of their way to make sure that the Wikipedia page reflects how shitty the show's 70s PBS budget was...