You Win, or You Blog

Recently, I have been consumed by the HBO series Game of Thrones.

This show is kinda half Tolkien, half political thriller. But its not on TV. It's on HBO. Meaning, everyone is boning.
The following is a list of life lessons I have learned from Game of Thrones:
 (These are not spoilers. These are plot appetizers.)

1- You Win of You Die. Good advice anytime.
2- The best fantasy shows ground magic in science. Why can only the one family herd dragons? Oh yes, a genetic mutation that prevents burning in its lineage. What's the worst part about winter in a fantasy land? Zombies don't rot...
3- Winter is coming. Which means be prepared, but it also means they are killing off a character this episode.
4- No main character is immune to being killed. Actually, the female leads pretty much are safe, but the guys are all screwed.
5- The Dolthraki are not known for their punctuality. They are known for being bad ass barbarians and killing off main characters.

                                                             Badass
6- There is no Dolthraki word for thank you. Or Throne. Or band-aid...
7- the King must have a Hand by his side. The king shits, the hand wipes. But the Hand is the highest paid actor on the show, so I guess we're even.
8- If you are blonde and you have a sister, you are at most boning her, and at least feeling up her boobies at bath time.
9- Speaking of which, the Dragon is the douchiest nickname. Ever.

                                                     ya douche
10- No one ever sings about how men shit themselves before you slay them in the field of battle.
11- Apparently, jousting is like bullfights. Meaning when you lose, it's ok to cut the horse's fucking head off.
12- The first thing about sword fighting: stick him with the pointy end.
13- If you're going to be a cripple, it's better to be a rich cripple.
14- HBO has always found creative means of pushing the envelope. The hardest one to watch so far is a seven year old breastfeeding.
15- Armor is basically a steel man-dress. But it keeps you alive.
16- There is one thing you say to the god of death: not today (preferably in a faux-Italian broken English accent).
17- Emilia Clarke, who plays Daenerys Targaryen, is maybe the most beautiful woman I have ever seen, and that's not just because she's naked in the first scene you see her in.

                                                      Pictured: Hot Barbarian Queen
18- HBO is home of the best lesbian brothel scene in television history.
19- Also, HBO is the home of 13 year olds saying cunt.
20- No one trust the eunuch.

21- Peter Dinklage had played "Dinklage Characters" his whole career, i.e., wee and angry midgets. In game of thrones, Peter Dinklage plays the role of his life, the cunning, horny, and smartest man of the continent, Tyrion Lannister. Also he's a dwarf.

22- Tyrion Lannister's first rule of whorehouse. The significance of closed door at a whore house is that midgets be boning.
23- Tryion loves whores. Because whore are medieval sports stars.
24- Tyrion's ideal death: 80 years old, in bed, with a belly full of wine and girl's mouth on your cock.
25- If a classics grad student shouts "OH MY GOD, HAVE YOU HEARD OF GAME OF THRONES?!? IT'S A SHOW! ON HBO! PETER DINKLAGE! HE'S BLONDE! then watch it

The Sorting Hat

It seems everyone has Harry Potter withdrawls this week. Alas, my generation was the generation of Harry Potter, and we got to read the books as we aged, or in my case, all at once one summer. My favorite Harry Potter related game, which I shall bestow on thee now, is the Sorting Hat Game. It's easy.
As you know, Hogwarts is divided into four houses:

Gryffindor: for the brave and the protagonists

Hufflepuff: for the amicable and future sparkly vampires

Ravenclaw: the honors house

And Slytherin: which gets a bad rap for being the house that produced Wizard Satan, but can't be the evil house all the time. Hogwarts has centuries of tradition, there was probably a Raven Dark Wizard nerd in the 1400s or a group of anarchist, muggle-born Gryffindors in the 1700s.

Anyway, every wizard was put into a house based on personality: Neville is a Gryfinndor badass, Cedric Diggory was everyone's friend as an upperclass Hufflepuff, know-it-all Luna was a Ravenclaw, and spent all his life a double agent (not a spoiler alert, you've had 5 years to read that) Snape is an ambitious Slytherin.

Since these are pretty much the four humors, this works for muggles too.

Conan O'Brien- When he got fired from his dream job, he spent the better part of a year sticking it to the man. Also, he's a ginger.
GRYFFINDOR

Perez Hilton- The most popular man on the internet and legendary gossip artist.
HUFLEPUFF

Felicia Day- Geek ambassador to the world and the only conventionally attractive woman who DMs on the weekends
RAVENCLAW

Kim Kardashian- Pure-blood from an ancient Los Angeles family, ambitious enough to turn a leaked sex tape into a reason to be a household name
SLYTHERIN


Those were easy though. These can get tough.

Lady Gaga- although she is from a Pure-blood New York family and is a Lady at court, she has spent her career preaching how everyone is equal under dance music. It doesn't matter if you love him, or H I M. H is for
HUFFLEPUFF

Kanye West- ambitious and douchey, but yet his albums' aesthetics are of Robots and Teddy Bears.
RAVENCLAW

Rebecca Black- her family had enough money to buy a $2000 dollar single, which was the worst song ever. But she had the pure-blood integrity not to kill herself over the entirety of the internet wanting to kill her. Also, being a Black, she is related to the Malfoys...
SLYTHERIN

Jon Stewart- intellectual as a modern-day Mark Twain, but applies his smarts to fuel grass-roots, anti-establishment rallies and disguises it as humor; The Fred/ George Weasley of Politics
GRYFFINDOR

Olivia Munn- sensual queen of all things nerdy
RAVENC...
IS NOT A NERD HERSELF!
Why would she go out of her way to be geeky if she isn't actually geeky? Easy, because she loves nerds and wants to make us happy
HUFFLEPUFF

Justin Bieber- never knew his father (being a bastard is the real world version of being a mud-blood) but became the world's foremost teen idol on sheer tenacity, honing his chops as a street performer and a youtube journeyman. Hermione Granger with better hair
GRYFFINDOR

Dolph Lundgren- 6'5'' 245 lbs of Chemical Engineering major and MIT Fullbright Scholar with an IQ of 160.
RAVENCLAW

Charlie Sheen- Born into the Sheen family, a nouveau-riche family from lowly Esteves roots, Charlie became the Prince of Hollywood for a while, before having a mid-life crisis almost as outwardly manifested as Lucius Malfoy rejoining the Death Eaters

Ladies and Gentlemen, a Vatican Assassin Warlock

From there he has become more famous than before by being himself yet crazy while not having a job. The ability to look your failures in the face and declare them #WINNING is the work of a Slytherin.


FOUR MILLION POINTS FOR SLYTHERIN

Let me say I don't normally believe in pop-prophecies. Apparently, the Rapture is going to happen every 10 years until 2012 happens, and all of this was predicted by Nostradamus. The only concession I will make about Nostradamus is that he was the concept behind Judas Priest's final album; perhaps if he predicted the downfall of the Metal Gods, I will listen.

But just some times, I believe pop culture predicts the future.

Cracked.com hosted an article by a kindred spirit named Andrew Gordon about how Starship Troopers predicted the War on Terror. I highly recomemend you read it. If not, here's the skinny.

A sudden attack on a civilian target triggers the wrath of the humans against a long misunderstood but never actively feared group of aliens from a desert world. The initial invasion is bungled due to underestimation, the second wave beings by an overly-grandiose aerial strike campaign followed by a desert stalemate, even after we captured the leader.

Yeah, pretty much Paul Verhoeven is a time traveler.

And of course there's my favorite chapter from my favorite book not starring Rorschach or Jean Valjean, Killing Yourself to Live: 85% of a True Story, in which Chuck Klosterman uncovers that Radiohead's Kid A could easily be a reaction to 9/11, although released in 10/00...

Once again, I suggest you read the whole thing (Along with the ones about Rorachach and Jean Valjean), but here's a sample:

Technology solves everything, because technology is invulnerable. And this is what almost everyone in America thought around 8:30 A.M. But something happens three and a half minutes into "Kid A". It suddenly doesn't feel right, and you don't exactly know why. This is followed by track three, "The National Anthem"
This is when the first plane slams into the north tower at 470 mph.
"The National Anthem" sounds a bit like a Morphine song. It's a completely different direction from the first two songs on KID A, and it's confusing; it's chaotic. "What's going on?," the lyrics ask. "What's going on?" It gets crazier and crazier, until the second plane hits the second tower (at 9:03 A.M. in reality and at 3:42 in the song). For a moment, things are somber. But then it gets more anarchic. (Reader's Note: You might want to consider playing KID A right about now, since I'm not always so good at explaining shit like this). Which leads into track four, "How to Disappear Completely." This is the point where it feels like the world is possibly ending. People try to convince themselves that they are not there. People keep repeating: "This isn't happening". People are "floating" (read: falling) to the earth. We are told of strobe lights and blown speakers; there are fireworks and hurricanes. This is a song about being burned alive and jumping out of windows, and this is a song about having to watch those things happen. And it's followed by an instrumental piece without melody ("Treefingers"), because what can you say when skyscrapers collapse? All you can do is stare at them with your hand over your mouth

This is the sort of thing you write if you are explicitly trying to be my hero.

But alas, I have uncovered another pop-prophecy, this time from a most unlikely source:

...early 2000s Justin Timberlake.

Or rather, David Nicoll, Veit Renn, and Josh Chasez, who wrote "Digital Get Down" for NSYNC.

Veit Renn wrote several album filler songs on "No Strings Attached", David Nicoll is currently the lead singer of the Chippendales European Review, apart from having the worst looking website of all time, and Josh Chasez is

LOLZ OK so it's JC.

Anyway. JC and company wrote a seemingly throwaway song in 200 called "Digital Get Down" which is about, well, Skype?




"Every time I'm sittin home alone girl
I can't wait to get you on the phone girl
So pick it up babe
I can see everything you do
Bouncin me from satellite to satellite



I mean like, yeah, this seems normal to us in 2011, but 11 years ago this was pretty much a Jetson's fanfic. What happens next, is what JC assumes we will be doing with this technology.


I love the things you do for me so late at night
So turn me on yeah
It's like I'm right there next to you yeah

Yes everyone, Skype Sex was theorized by NSYNC. In truth any other notion or theorization of live video calls at the time was for normal conversations. Who else can you say was predicting future inventions that we've always wanted in terms of phone sex? This is like writing a song about a flying car... that you are getting road head in.
But alas, that was only Justin's verse. Wait until JC himself starts to sing:

I lose my mind just when you're speaking
I see you on the screen, I get to freaking
So get down babe
And I'll get down for you (I'll get down for you)
I get so excited when I'm watching girl
I can't wait to see you touch your body girl
It's just me and you
So we can do what we gotta do (yeah)

I'm not sure which is more remarkable, that JC predicted that almost instantly after we had the technology to achieve video calls that we would "get to freakin'", or that your parents let you listen to this? (Which in all reality is because most listeners kinda tune this album out after "This I Promise You")

So next time you are touching yourself on a Skype call, remember that fucking JC Chasez has been waiting for you to do this for 11 years

But what really puzzles me is that, as you can tell from the bridge, is that how much of a boy band Nostradamus JC may be, he couldn't imagine high-speed internet. Maybe we shouldn't trust him to predict the future.

Then again, I don't trust Thom Yorke...

Nope

Comic Con: You Will Never Find a More Wretched Hive of Scum and Villainy

It's July! That means the end of this month is San Deigo Comic Con 2011, which is the premiere event of the year for all geek endeavors. Every July, the geeks of the world convene at Comic Con and wait in line get pandered to by good looking actors who do the bidding of men in suits.

I'd really like to go.
I'd like to go with my bestie, James Bell.

I would love to be there, as opposed to reading eye-witness, next day accounts on teh interwebs of who will be the villain in the Avengers (Skrulls and Thanos?) or how Dan Cook is trying to appeal to my age bracket or which legendary comic book artist or writer was there doing autographs or which property they are handing over to Joss Whedon in order to appease me.

But what I'm the most excited about, is that everyone is in costume

I love dressing up. I like superheroes. It is logical for me to want to be in a swarm of people dressed as superheroes, talking about superheroes. Especially when some of them ACTUALLY look like Power Girl

 I am intrigued by the craftsmanship and accuracy of the costume, yet attracted to the hips and tits.

So naturally, if James and I were going to go to Comic Con one day, we would need outfits.
Now, there's no reason not to do a duo costume, right?


POSSIBLE OPTIONS:
CYCLOPS AND BEAST

It is apparent that I love the X-Men. James therefore can't not love the X-Men. James would be Cyclops, and I would be the furry one.
Now yes, we have done this before:

This time around, me may spend more than a few hours on our costumes. And if there's any girls dressed as Emma Frost or Abigail Brand, they're coming with us sideways winking face.
However, this time around I want to wear a shirt...


Now, ever since James and I passed out in the same bed on my birthday, there has been a joke that we are a gay couple. Honestly, we don't actively try to dispell these claims. This is our prom picture:

That being said, we have some solid ideas in the gay superhero couples department

APOLLO AND THE MIDNIGHTER

Apollo and the Midnighter hail from the Warren Ellis' "The Authority", a universe in which superheroes are a more respected governing force than any government itself. They may seem like the average Superman and Batman analogues, but the plot thickens once it is revealed that they are in a relationship. James has the longer hair of the two of us and I look better in black, therefore, James = Apollo, and Dom = the Midnighter. Suck it James, I get to be the Batman. No doubt we will be asked to recreate their most famous scene: the wedding...

Ok, maybe too much to soon. Maybe another couple.

WICCAN AND HULKLING

Hulkiling and Wiccan come from the Young Avengers, where a team of the Avengers biggest fans teamed up as a teenage version of their heroes. Wiccan is the Scarlet Witch's son with a robot that she wished into existence (makes sense if you read it), Hulkling is Captain Marvel's half-Kree, half-Skrull, therefore a green shape-shifting super-strong hero. Also they're dating.

 Myself being the physically imnposing one of the duo gets to be Hulkling, and James would be Wiccan.

...but while searching for more photos to post, I found that most invoked rule 34. I'm comfortable, but not THAT comfortable with my sexuality. Who do I look like, Tyler Campbell?

OK, these last two options are right out; I don't want to pretend to be gay to impress people, only because that's the plot of a terrible Cuba Gooding Jr. movie

RORSCHACH AND DEADPOOL

Roschach: tWatchmen's brutal dectective superhero who has seen too much and has been pushed to a world of only black and white, evil and good.

Deadpool: Marvel's crimson comedian, regeneratin' degenerate, Merc with a Mouth; a morally grey killer who's insanity helps him realize that he is a comic book character.

They have never existed in their own series together, except for JustSomeRandomGuy's meta YouTube hit "Marvel/Dc"







Seeing as I am the self refferential one of my duo, and I am too big of a Deadpool fan not to be Deadpool, I get to be Deadpool. James can be Rorschach, where ignoring people at ComicCon will be considered "acting".

I am the weak link in this pairing, however, as Deadpool's costume is just spandex and guns.
So it could either be pulled off very well

...or whatever the Hell this is

If we decide upon Rorschach and Deapool, I have to start working out now to get into Deadpool shape, and James just needs to get a trench coat...

ANYONE FROM HALCYON

OMG DO YOU NOT KNOW WHO WE ARE DRESSED LIKE?! DID YOU NOT READ HALCYON?!?! Fortunatley for you I happen to have 9 extra copies of issue one in my bag. WHY DIDN'T YOU READ HALCYON?!?! AHHHHHHHHHHH!

And inevitbalely, we would do that for an entire weekend. Also, you should read Halcyon.

PETER AND SYLAR

I wear my black coat and slick my hair back, James rocks side bangs with a messenger back, and we quietly walk around ComicCon, pretending it's still 2008.
"That Wolverine trailer sure looks cool..."

THE AMBIGUOUSLY GAY DUO

Yes, I already made that joke, but I just found where I saved this photo...

 BLUE BEETLE AND BOOSTER GOLD

Okay, this might actually work...
Blue Beetle and Booster Gold are superheroes from the future who travel back in time to fight crime along side Superman, Batman, and Power Girl's rack.
They just end up spending most of the time chillin

Booster is the showboat (me), Beetle's the techie (him), but they're as much about hanging out as they are fighting evil. Their most famous attribute is their trademarked belly laugh.

Could this be anymore of a perfect personality match?

OK, I'm, sold- Booster Gold and Blue Beetle. We have one year to get future-looking costumes/make me into a believable blonde. Countdown starts now!