It seems everyone has Harry Potter withdrawls this week. Alas, my generation was the generation of Harry Potter, and we got to read the books as we aged, or in my case, all at once one summer. My favorite Harry Potter related game, which I shall bestow on thee now, is the Sorting Hat Game. It's easy.
As you know, Hogwarts is divided into four houses:
Gryffindor: for the brave and the protagonists
Hufflepuff: for the amicable and future sparkly vampires
Ravenclaw: the honors house
And Slytherin: which gets a bad rap for being the house that produced Wizard Satan, but can't be the evil house all the time. Hogwarts has centuries of tradition, there was probably a Raven Dark Wizard nerd in the 1400s or a group of anarchist, muggle-born Gryffindors in the 1700s.
Anyway, every wizard was put into a house based on personality: Neville is a Gryfinndor badass, Cedric Diggory was everyone's friend as an upperclass Hufflepuff, know-it-all Luna was a Ravenclaw, and spent all his life a double agent (not a spoiler alert, you've had 5 years to read that) Snape is an ambitious Slytherin.
Since these are pretty much the four humors, this works for muggles too.
Conan O'Brien- When he got fired from his dream job, he spent the better part of a year sticking it to the man. Also, he's a ginger. GRYFFINDOR
Perez Hilton- The most popular man on the internet and legendary gossip artist. HUFLEPUFF
Felicia Day- Geek ambassador to the world and the only conventionally attractive woman who DMs on the weekends RAVENCLAW
Kim Kardashian- Pure-blood from an ancient Los Angeles family, ambitious enough to turn a leaked sex tape into a reason to be a household name SLYTHERIN
Those were easy though. These can get tough.
Lady Gaga- although she is from a Pure-blood New York family and is a Lady at court, she has spent her career preaching how everyone is equal under dance music. It doesn't matter if you love him, or H I M. H is for HUFFLEPUFF
Kanye West- ambitious and douchey, but yet his albums' aesthetics are of Robots and Teddy Bears. RAVENCLAW
Rebecca Black- her family had enough money to buy a $2000 dollar single, which was the worst song ever. But she had the pure-blood integrity not to kill herself over the entirety of the internet wanting to kill her. Also, being a Black, she is related to the Malfoys... SLYTHERIN
Jon Stewart- intellectual as a modern-day Mark Twain, but applies his smarts to fuel grass-roots, anti-establishment rallies and disguises it as humor; The Fred/ George Weasley of Politics GRYFFINDOR
Olivia Munn- sensual queen of all things nerdy RAVENC... IS NOT A NERD HERSELF!
Why would she go out of her way to be geeky if she isn't actually geeky? Easy, because she loves nerds and wants to make us happy HUFFLEPUFF
Justin Bieber- never knew his father (being a bastard is the real world version of being a mud-blood) but became the world's foremost teen idol on sheer tenacity, honing his chops as a street performer and a youtube journeyman. Hermione Granger with better hair GRYFFINDOR
Dolph Lundgren- 6'5'' 245 lbs of Chemical Engineering major and MIT Fullbright Scholar with an IQ of 160. RAVENCLAW
Charlie Sheen- Born into the Sheen family, a nouveau-riche family from lowly Esteves roots, Charlie became the Prince of Hollywood for a while, before having a mid-life crisis almost as outwardly manifested as Lucius Malfoy rejoining the Death Eaters
Ladies and Gentlemen, a Vatican Assassin Warlock
From there he has become more famous than before by being himself yet crazy while not having a job. The ability to look your failures in the face and declare them #WINNING is the work of a Slytherin.
FOUR MILLION POINTS FOR SLYTHERIN
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Let me say I don't normally believe in pop-prophecies. Apparently, the Rapture is going to happen every 10 years until 2012 happens, and all of this was predicted by Nostradamus. The only concession I will make about Nostradamus is that he was the concept behind Judas Priest's final album; perhaps if he predicted the downfall of the Metal Gods, I will listen.
But just some times, I believe pop culture predicts the future.
A sudden attack on a civilian target triggers the wrath of the humans against a long misunderstood but never actively feared group of aliens from a desert world. The initial invasion is bungled due to underestimation, the second wave beings by an overly-grandiose aerial strike campaign followed by a desert stalemate, even after we captured the leader.
Yeah, pretty much Paul Verhoeven is a time traveler.
And of course there's my favorite chapter from my favorite book not starring Rorschach or Jean Valjean, Killing Yourself to Live: 85% of a True Story, in which Chuck Klosterman uncovers that Radiohead's Kid A could easily be a reaction to 9/11, although released in 10/00...
Once again, I suggest you read the whole thing (Along with the ones about Rorachach and Jean Valjean), but here's a sample:
Technology solves everything, because technology is invulnerable. And this is what almost everyone in America thought around 8:30 A.M. But something happens three and a half minutes into "Kid A". It suddenly doesn't feel right, and you don't exactly know why. This is followed by track three, "The National Anthem" This is when the first plane slams into the north tower at 470 mph. "The National Anthem" sounds a bit like a Morphine song. It's a completely different direction from the first two songs on KID A, and it's confusing; it's chaotic. "What's going on?," the lyrics ask. "What's going on?" It gets crazier and crazier, until the second plane hits the second tower (at 9:03 A.M. in reality and at 3:42 in the song). For a moment, things are somber. But then it gets more anarchic. (Reader's Note: You might want to consider playing KID A right about now, since I'm not always so good at explaining shit like this). Which leads into track four, "How to Disappear Completely." This is the point where it feels like the world is possibly ending. People try to convince themselves that they are not there. People keep repeating: "This isn't happening". People are "floating" (read: falling) to the earth. We are told of strobe lights and blown speakers; there are fireworks and hurricanes. This is a song about being burned alive and jumping out of windows, and this is a song about having to watch those things happen. And it's followed by an instrumental piece without melody ("Treefingers"), because what can you say when skyscrapers collapse? All you can do is stare at them with your hand over your mouth
This is the sort of thing you write if you are explicitly trying to be my hero.
But alas, I have uncovered another pop-prophecy, this time from a most unlikely source:
...early 2000s Justin Timberlake.
Or rather, David Nicoll, Veit Renn, and Josh Chasez, who wrote "Digital Get Down" for NSYNC.
Veit Renn wrote several album filler songs on "No Strings Attached", David Nicoll is currently the lead singer of the Chippendales European Review, apart from having the worst looking website of all time, and Josh Chasez is
LOLZ OK so it's JC.
Anyway. JC and company wrote a seemingly throwaway song in 200 called "Digital Get Down" which is about, well, Skype?
"Every time I'm sittin home alone girl
I can't wait to get you on the phone girl
So pick it up babe
I can see everything you do
Bouncin me from satellite to satellite
I mean like, yeah, this seems normal to us in 2011, but 11 years ago this was pretty much a Jetson's fanfic. What happens next, is what JC assumes we will be doing with this technology.
I love the things you do for me so late at night
So turn me on yeah
It's like I'm right there next to you yeah
Yes everyone, Skype Sex was theorized by NSYNC. In truth any other notion or theorization of live video calls at the time was for normal conversations. Who else can you say was predicting future inventions that we've always wanted in terms of phone sex? This is like writing a song about a flying car... that you are getting road head in.
But alas, that was only Justin's verse. Wait until JC himself starts to sing:
I lose my mind just when you're speaking
I see you on the screen, I get to freaking
So get down babe
And I'll get down for you (I'll get down for you)
I get so excited when I'm watching girl
I can't wait to see you touch your body girl
It's just me and you
So we can do what we gotta do (yeah)
I'm not sure which is more remarkable, that JC predicted that almost instantly after we had the technology to achieve video calls that we would "get to freakin'", or that your parents let you listen to this? (Which in all reality is because most listeners kinda tune this album out after "This I Promise You")
So next time you are touching yourself on a Skype call, remember that fucking JC Chasez has been waiting for you to do this for 11 years
But what really puzzles me is that, as you can tell from the bridge, is that how much of a boy band Nostradamus JC may be, he couldn't imagine high-speed internet. Maybe we shouldn't trust him to predict the future.
It's July! That means the end of this month is San Deigo Comic Con 2011, which is the premiere event of the year for all geek endeavors. Every July, the geeks of the world convene at Comic Con and wait in line get pandered to by good looking actors who do the bidding of men in suits.
I'd really like to go.
I'd like to go with my bestie, James Bell.
I would love to be there, as opposed to reading eye-witness, next day accounts on teh interwebs of who will be the villain in the Avengers (Skrulls and Thanos?) or how Dan Cook is trying to appeal to my age bracket or which legendary comic book artist or writer was there doing autographs or which property they are handing over to Joss Whedon in order to appease me.
But what I'm the most excited about, is that everyone is in costume
I love dressing up. I like superheroes. It is logical for me to want to be in a swarm of people dressed as superheroes, talking about superheroes. Especially when some of them ACTUALLY look like Power Girl
I am intrigued by the craftsmanship and accuracy of the costume, yet attracted to the hips and tits.
So naturally, if James and I were going to go to Comic Con one day, we would need outfits.
Now, there's no reason not to do a duo costume, right?
POSSIBLE OPTIONS: CYCLOPS AND BEAST
It is apparent that I love the X-Men. James therefore can't not love the X-Men. James would be Cyclops, and I would be the furry one.
Now yes, we have done this before:
This time around, me may spend more than a few hours on our costumes. And if there's any girls dressed as Emma Frost or Abigail Brand, they're coming with us sideways winking face.
However, this time around I want to wear a shirt...
Now, ever since James and I passed out in the same bed on my birthday, there has been a joke that we are a gay couple. Honestly, we don't actively try to dispell these claims. This is our prom picture:
That being said, we have some solid ideas in the gay superhero couples department
APOLLO AND THE MIDNIGHTER
Apollo and the Midnighter hail from the Warren Ellis' "The Authority", a universe in which superheroes are a more respected governing force than any government itself. They may seem like the average Superman and Batman analogues, but the plot thickens once it is revealed that they are in a relationship. James has the longer hair of the two of us and I look better in black, therefore, James = Apollo, and Dom = the Midnighter. Suck it James, I get to be the Batman. No doubt we will be asked to recreate their most famous scene: the wedding...
Ok, maybe too much to soon. Maybe another couple.
WICCAN AND HULKLING
Hulkiling and Wiccan come from the Young Avengers, where a team of the Avengers biggest fans teamed up as a teenage version of their heroes. Wiccan is the Scarlet Witch's son with a robot that she wished into existence (makes sense if you read it), Hulkling is Captain Marvel's half-Kree, half-Skrull, therefore a green shape-shifting super-strong hero. Also they're dating.
Myself being the physically imnposing one of the duo gets to be Hulkling, and James would be Wiccan.
...but while searching for more photos to post, I found that most invoked rule 34. I'm comfortable, but not THAT comfortable with my sexuality. Who do I look like, Tyler Campbell?
OK, these last two options are right out; I don't want to pretend to be gay to impress people, only because that's the plot of a terrible Cuba Gooding Jr. movie
RORSCHACH AND DEADPOOL
Roschach: tWatchmen's brutal dectective superhero who has seen too much and has been pushed to a world of only black and white, evil and good.
Deadpool: Marvel's crimson comedian, regeneratin' degenerate, Merc with a Mouth; a morally grey killer who's insanity helps him realize that he is a comic book character.
They have never existed in their own series together, except for JustSomeRandomGuy's meta YouTube hit "Marvel/Dc"
Seeing as I am the self refferential one of my duo, and I am too big of a Deadpool fan not to be Deadpool, I get to be Deadpool. James can be Rorschach, where ignoring people at ComicCon will be considered "acting".
I am the weak link in this pairing, however, as Deadpool's costume is just spandex and guns.
So it could either be pulled off very well
...or whatever the Hell this is
If we decide upon Rorschach and Deapool, I have to start working out now to get into Deadpool shape, and James just needs to get a trench coat...
ANYONE FROM HALCYON
OMG DO YOU NOT KNOW WHO WE ARE DRESSED LIKE?! DID YOU NOT READ HALCYON?!?! Fortunatley for you I happen to have 9 extra copies of issue one in my bag. WHY DIDN'T YOU READ HALCYON?!?! AHHHHHHHHHHH!
And inevitbalely, we would do that for an entire weekend. Also, you should read Halcyon.
PETER AND SYLAR
I wear my black coat and slick my hair back, James rocks side bangs with a messenger back, and we quietly walk around ComicCon, pretending it's still 2008.
"That Wolverine trailer sure looks cool..."
THE AMBIGUOUSLY GAY DUO
Yes, I already made that joke, but I just found where I saved this photo...
BLUE BEETLE AND BOOSTER GOLD
Okay, this might actually work...
Blue Beetle and Booster Gold are superheroes from the future who travel back in time to fight crime along side Superman, Batman, and Power Girl's rack.
They just end up spending most of the time chillin
Booster is the showboat (me), Beetle's the techie (him), but they're as much about hanging out as they are fighting evil. Their most famous attribute is their trademarked belly laugh.
Could this be anymore of a perfect personality match?
OK, I'm, sold- Booster Gold and Blue Beetle. We have one year to get future-looking costumes/make me into a believable blonde. Countdown starts now!
Music videos were a huge part of my growing up.
Believe it or not, I wasn't allowed to watch them growing up. Nor was I allowed to listen pop radio until 5th grade. This means I will grow up to be the only member of my generation who cares about popular music yet never got into Third Eye Blind...
I would watch TRL at my friends' houses in 6th grade, but mainly we were trying to imitate the cool kids.
He was the COOLEST.
This progressed to me watching TRL ever afternoon. And Rap City. And 106 & Park. And VH1; unhealthy amounts of VH1. So imagine 11 year old, VH1 junkie Dom hearing about VH1's 100 Greatest Videos Special.
WHAT
THE
FUCK
This went down as the moment I became obsessed with music. I watched the entire special. I saw art forms unfold in front of me: Losing My Religion, Jeremy, Beat It, When Doves Cry, Sabotage, Smells Like Teen Spirit, Virtual Insanity, Sledgehammer.
Barely into the throws of puberty, I watched Maddona's "Justify my Love".
Ladies and gentlemen I watched all of Thriller on TV.
And honestly there's been sort of a hole in my life as they no longer run that special. All I ask is that they make a new 100 Greatest Videos, updated with the best of recent videos.
I ask this, but did I know what it means? What has the past decade given us in music videos that can truly go down as Greatest?
I can at least think of 10.
10- Gnarls Barkley: "Crazy"
Of all of the mega-hits of the 00s, Crazy was the most unique. A strange hip-hop/soul orchestral pop gem sung by a man with tiny hands a high voice, not to mention a blue vibe and moody lyrics. The video captures the ennui of the song, as moving Rorschach ink blots reveal both Cee Lo and Danger Mouse, as well as subliminal messages. You watch it, wondering if you actually saw half the things swore you did, thinking "maybe I'm crazy".
9- Weezer: "Island in the Sun (Second Version)"
Like always with my blog, here's an obscure piece of trivia:
Weezer shot a video for "Island in the Sun". It was...awkward.
I have never understood why Weezer was at a Mexican wedding.
MTV told them (back when this mattered) that is wasn't catching on with veiwers. But Rivers Cuomo knew this deserved to be a hit. So they called Spike Jonze and said film us a video.
Problem was their bassist just had a mental breakdown and left the band.
So now Spike needs a great video that won't put too much focus on the band members themselves.
He gave them baby animals.
And this time, it was a classic. And every time I watch it, it makes me feel so fine I can't control my brain.
8- Outkast: "Hey Ya"
Speakerboxxx/The Love Below was Outkast's joint solo project. One double album, one disc of pure Big Boi, one of only Andre. Andre's first video was to declare that this was a whole lotta Andre, meaning a faux Ed Sullivan Beatles appearance with a band comprised of 8 Andres:
Possum Jenkins
Dookie
Johnny Vulture
Benjamin Andre
The Love Haters (x3)
and Andre Ice Cold 3000
EVERYONE I WOULD LIKE TO PAUSE TO TELL YOU I JUST RECITED THAT FROM MEMORY!!!!!
Besides getting Andre overload, we got to see his own style fleshed out for itself. Every member of the band flashes Andre's infectious smile. And to this day, you can't put this song on without A) a spontaneous dance party erupting and B) the dancers imitating the Love Haters.
Listen to this without trying to wiggle your fingers. I dare you.
7- Justice: "D.A.N.C.E."
It's odd for a music video to actually influence consumer fashion. Yes, artists create fashion statements in videos, but how many people went out and bought a Michael Jackson glove? Not only is the concept and execution of Justice's video excellent and mesmerizing, but their art direction on the video influenced T-Shirt design for the second half of the last decade and beyond.
6- Beyonce: "Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It)"
Apparently, winning best female video at the VMAs does not automatically disqualify all other females in the Best Video category. I assumed if you had lost best **your-gender-here** video, therefore you couldn't win all around video. And so did Kanye.
In the end, Kanye ruined his career and never made another record afterwards...
I LIED!
Beyonce made one of the greatest videos of all-time (of all-time) by keeping it simple: black and white and fine tuned choreography. The image of Beyonce with two girls on either side of her is now iconic. Hell, when ever three people, male or female are in leotards, the Single Ladies dance is requested. That's what makes you one of the greatest of all time
5- Lady Gaga: "Bad Romance"
With one epic video, Lady Gaga went from that pop singer who didn't wear pants and bluffed with her muffin to a mad genius pop culture icon. This video gave us her new German sythny Goth direction, the Monster aesthetic, and just some great moves. Lagaga understands that dancing in music videos must be on a grand, spectacular scale. Every fucking pop starlet who farts out prepackaged pop is a dancer, but only one dances blind while exiting a sex cocoon in a video that looks like the filmography of Stanley Kubric at once. The stunning, dystopian images are forcibly burned into your minds eye. In the entire sequence of her sci-fi succubus piece, she can go from being sexy
...to wounded yet beautiful
... to pure techno-brothel-cyber hell.
This video made lady Gaga into the sexy yet bizarre freak (free bitch) we know and love.
4- R. Kelly: "Trapped in the Closet (Parts 1-12)"
Surely R. Kelly must realize how ridiculous this is. An urban R&B soap opera...opera. R.Kelly plays all the parts. Some of it is genuinely suspenseful (the preacher's boyfriend, Taj being shot, the original cliffhanger about OPENING THE CLOSET! CLOSET! CLOSET!) and some things just make me double take (singing a police siren, nosy Rosie with a spatula, the midget shitting himself), but through it all, these songs exist with and for the videos themselves. If R. Kelly had just released the tracks for trapped in the closet, then maybe we would remember this in a more negative, sarcastic light. But the genius of trapped in the closet is that he created a serialized music video event, where (admit it) we couldn't wait to see the next installment. The precursor to VEVO video premieres, the installments of Trapped in the Closet proved that music videos could still be an event in the internet age.
REAL TALK!
3- Fatboy Slim: "Weapon of Choice"
"What are we going to for the 'Weapon of Choice' video?"
"Let's have Christopher Walken dance in an empty hotel!"
"What?"
But just like that, it's the happiest video of the decade. And it's just Christopher Walken. Dancing (and sometimes flying). In a hotel. You can't help but smile.
2- The White Stripes: "Fell in Love with a Girl"
All of us have played with Legos. None of us are this good. Director Michel Gondry shot Jack and Meg running up stairs, swimming and playing their instruments. Then he spent two months re-shooting the video frame by frame using stop motion animation...with Legos. The result is the Lego labor of love that broke the White Stripes. I get a sense of awe watching this video; you can see every piece as a piece, but the beauty is seeing the Legos when they comprise a whole. You almost forget that they're Legos.
Wow
1- OK Go: "Here it Goes Again"
OK GO. ON TREADMILLS.
Ok Go was a little known band with the penchant for DIY videos. In 2006, YouTube was just beginning to be a force on the internet, consolidating all videos from numerous sites into a single, user friendly site.
At the same time, one-take videos were going viral, including Daft Hands, Daft Bodies, and Connected Ventures Flagpole Sittah.
Ok Go decided to shoot a one take internet single for their next single. They took 12 takes dancing on treadmills. This became their signature song, and one of the first staples of YouTube.
And beyond that, it moved the balance of power in music videos. Thanks to the Treadmill Dance, YouTube became the new norm for music videos. It changed the way we viewed videos in the 00s. Therefore, it's the one to aspire to for this decade.
