In this month since I haven't posted, I've been using the word "swag" a whole fuck of a lot. It seems everyone I know is talking about this swag.
"I lost my swag!"
-CJ Jadwisak
"Did I miss swag? Why is everyone saying swag?"
-Alex Brennan
Evan Blyth Sneath has even taken swag to Germany, including the pantomimed action of "hitting the 'swag button' ", which I believe in German is translated "der Knopfschwagger".
When Chris Welch signed up the members of my hotel room for chorus tour, he crossed out the room number and simply put ROOM SWAG.
But what is swag? Everyone is talking about swag, but is everyone using it correctly?
Fortunately, I have a masters in swag history.
THE HISTORY OF SWAG
Part First: In which Swag is not used in a desirable sense
Swag or sometimes spelled Schwag was originally used by pirates as a term for their spoils.
The next occurrence of swag comes from trade shows, in which companies will hurl free shit at you if it means getting their logo in your hands. Thus, the acronym, swag was born.
Stuff We All Get.
But to use swag as so is to say it is a bad thing to have swag, that swag is worthless.
PART TWO: TO KNOW SWAGGER IS TO KNOW SWAG
In about 2006, every rapper alive decided to start saying swagger. A notable Sri Lankan Rapper recorded a song in which she said "no one on the corner got swagger like us". Then that song became big in America. And you us Americans; if we like it, we will take it to its furthest point before it breaks!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TiS9-yPvBnY
and yeah, they performed it as MIA was preggers. Like, gave birth the next day preggers. USA! USA! USA!
So for a few years, swagger became the new "pimp my..." or "word to your..." or "YEAH" as the reigning overused hip-hop word. Its contraction, swag, would rise from its ashes.
PART THREE: A BRIEF DIVERSION TO THE ORIGINS OF SWAG
The use of the word swag as a contraction of swagger can be attributed to Agent Zero.
Fuck no, not that agent zero
Gilbert Arenas. Known for clutch three point shots, while shouting "Hibachi!" or sometimes "Guaranteed!". January 3, 2007, the birth of swag. Gilbert's Washington Wizards play the Milwaukee Bucks. Arenas scores 32, including a huge jumper to win it as time expired.
When the press asked what he said this time as he sunk the three, he gave an all time classic reply:
"I didn't say anything. My SWAG was phenomenal!"
(go to 3:20 in the vid for the quote)
Flash forward to 2008. Swagger Like Us capped the use of Swagger almost completely. Ke$ha will still use it, but it's no use telling Ke$ha what to do (translated she's a furry). The swag-children of the swag-father Arenas use swag in conversation, now, two children will use swag in hip-hop.
PART FOUR: THUS BEGINS THE DARK AGE OF SWAG
Three young people would abuse the word swag, leaving it critically wounded in a ditch somewhere, but not dead.
CULPRIT #1- Soulja Boy (TellEm)
The question "why you hatin' on me?", should be self explanatory. But sadly, this is how most of the world first heard about swag. Trust me, Soulja Boy, I have a segway, they are not swag. Novel, maybe, but not swag.
But trust me kids, it only gets worse from here.
CULPRIT #2- Lil B
Fuck you, Based God. Lil B aka Based God releases his single/ proof of the decline of western civilization "Swag on My Dick". A personality cult forms. Seriously? Him? That? This is popular?
Well you know, what they say, Dom's misery attracts company. So thus, Soulja Boy and Lil B teamed up in attempt to kill swag.
The abomination before Christ is called "Swag OD".
Everytime I hear them say "man", I die inside.
But of course, Tellem Boy Soulja wasn't done, as he gave to us the hands down, 100%, world champion worst fucking song in history.
To make matters worse, we had a top 10 hit about Whipping One's Hair performed by Will.I.Am.'s 2 year old daughter (or something) that heavily used the word swag... let me finish... by using an interpolation of Turn my Swag On...
Swag needs a miracle to survive. It got both a miracle worker and a miracle run.
PART FIFTH: HIGH PRIESTS OF THE CULT OF SWAG
If you haven't done so yet, meet Tyler, the Creator
Tyler loves swag.
He peppers the word into almost all of his songs, most of them being nimbly metered stabs of rape and torture fantasies. A sort of rapping Quentin Tarantino.
Tyler loves Swag to dedicate two songs to the word entirely: Tina Perm Your Fucking Weave and Swag Me the Fuck Out
those might be the two funniest songs ever made. Unlight Lil B, who for all I can tell is doing that seriously, Tyler and the gang deliberately bring forth a tongue in cheek swag-tastic bombast. Twice. Swag.
Also, he and his crew live swag. From absolutely tearing apart Jimmy Fallon's stage to producing the all-time rowdiest crowd ever at SXSW, Odd Future is the new swag.
At the same time, white America was given more swag with the impressive run of 11th seeded Virgina Commonwealth University.
