I Have Never Felt Like a Plastic Bag, However...

It is unlikely that Lady Gaga was born this way.

Meaning she was not born a succubus and/or a 24 year old.

She was more or less born that way.

And she has a song called Born this Way. And it's important, as well as being the quintessential Lady Gaga song. Basically, the song is her life story/ undying struggle for justice. And it's exactly the song we needed.

"It doesn't matter if you love him, or capital HIM", Lady Ga says. If you didn't know, Ga was born Stefani Germanotta (its pronounced like Stephanie, even though you want to pronounce it like Gwen). Meaning, she is Italian as shit. Meaning, two things:

a) she is Catholic

2) She is prone to get all up in your face for no reason.

The song begins such

"My mama told me when I was young

We are all born superstars

She rolled my hair and put my lipstick on

In the glass of her boudoir

"There's nothin' wrong with lovin' who you are"

She said, "'Cause He made you perfect, babe"

"So hold your head up, girl and you you'll go far,

Listen to me when I say"

I'm beautiful in my way,

'Cause God makes no mistakes

I'm on the right track, baby

I was born this way"

Simultaneously, she has taken a stand for God, taken a stand against all those who love to hate people who are different, and started a song with "My mama told me", which to me invokes Ray Charles' "Hard Times".

ahem http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eFaUmhgJtBU

Immediately, she is confrontational yet loving, ie, Italian.

Lady G proceeds:

Don't be a drag, just be a queen

Don't be a drag, just be a queen

Don't be a drag, just be a queen

...which is the most triumphantly gay refrain in popular music since "It's Raining Men". 

“A different lover is not a sin
Believe capital HIM”

Preach, LG. Even if are you gay, its no problem, God loves you; you're his creation. Lady Gaga’s ethos can be summed up as the 3Gs of Gaga: God, Gays, and glory. As much as she is a Gay icon, she is still a glorious exhibitionist and a cradle Catholic. The fact that she states all of this, means she is about to piss people off. But, then again, she’s Italian. That's my girl.

 "Don't be a drag, just be a queen
Whether you're broke or evergreen
You're black, white, beige, chola descent
You're lebanese, you're orient
Whether life's disabilities
Left you outcast, bullied, or teased
Rejoice and love yourself today
'cause baby you were born this way"

OK, so let's get the flaws from this passage out of the way right now. It scans funny, but then again, so does "I put the pussy in a sarcophagus", so whatever man. Also, she means to say oriental, not orient, right? 

Beside these minor flaws, it may be my favorite part. We have outcasts, born different, but cut off from society. And in their pain and uniqueness, they stand united. Hmm, does that sound like any group of beloved characters that I grew up with?

Yes, X-Men, you were born this way.

So where was I? Yes,  Lagaga, hit us with the clincher:

"No matter gay, straight, or bi,
Lesbian, transgendered life
I'm on the right track baby
I was born to survive
No matter black, white or beige
Chola or orient made
I'm on the right track baby
I was born to be brave"

 And there it is. We have been flirting with this theme for the whole song, that you are loved and special, no matter your race, sexuality, or possibly even superpowers, but she just flat out says "No matter gay, straight, or bi, Lesbian, transgendered life". Yes, we're on the verge of the first #1 hit that says "transgendered". Being an in your face Italian, Steffi Gaga is not gonna beat around the bush any longer. She has the balls to come out and say it. God loves you, this is who you are. Bam. 

Did I say she has balls? Whoops. Touchy subject; she is not a hermaphrodite. But you know what? Even if she was, it would be cool! She was born that way!

Anyway I'm fracking glad that the Lady of Ga is saying bi and transgendered in a song. Lord knows pop music has been beating around the bush for years with this sentiment, the royal Gaga finally hit the nail on the head. 

ATTEMPT ONE- "BEAUTIFUL"

So yes, there was a gay couple making out in the video. And also there was a drag queen. But she never says "drag queens and gay couples are beautiful", therefore, this song kinda gets remembered as an anthem for girls with eating disorders. Also, unlike Gaga Lady's hit, you can't dance to this song. And if I know gay men, the one thing they like most is synthy dance music. Xtina almost makes it here...but not all the way.

ATTEMPT TWO- "RAISE YOUR GLASS"

So here, Pink raises a glass to all those who are wrong in all the right ways, all her underdogs. Closer, but you haven't actually said gay yet. Props to this song for the part where she comes in early and mumbles "aw fuck" that they left on the recording.

 BUT I MUST ADRESS THE PRECHORUS, WHICH MAY BE THE WORST LYRICS IN POP HISTORY.

"Party Crasher,
Penny Snatcher,
Call me up if you want gangsta
Don't be fancy, just get dancey
Why so serious?"

What? This has nothing to do with loving the gays? Or maybe it does, because this is just is some stream of consciousness ending in a Joker quote. Other than that I can't decipher a damn meaning in this, Pink. FAIL

ATTEMPT THREE- "FIREWORK"

So yes, Katy Perry narrates the video in which the marginalized begin to feel unique. Yes, one of these involves a gay kiss. But she never says "gay" in the song. That's the fatal flaw of this song. All she does is ask me if I feel like a plastic bag. And all I can think of is "a squid eating dough in a polyethylene bag is fast and bulbous, got me?"

ahem again   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IkWXz_X8-rs 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QjOvc-YJCH4

So when SteffiGermaGaga says "No matter gay, straight, or bi, lesbian, transgendered life, I'm on the right track baby, I was born to survive", this is a major moment in pop music. Pop music is no longer afraid to adress who they were singing to the whole time. And you know why? Becuase, thanks to that wonderful freak, we realized, we were all Born this Way.

A Van Minnen to English Dictionary

This is my Professor, Dr. Peter Van Minnen.

He is from Holland.
He talks funny.
The following is a list on words that he pronounces funny:

Rhoam = Rome (inconvenient, as he teaches a class on Ancient Rome)
boath = both                                                             bik = big
ass= as                                                                     hote = hot
chepter = chapter                                                     blekbaord = blackboard
gohtenn = gotten                                                      ret = read
wot = what                                                              fulloze = follows
iss = is                                                                     toking = talking
gross = grows                                                          kongkret = concrete
zatz= that's                                                              ownt = owned
stoff = stuff                                                              ritartitt = retarded
off = of  (which is very fucking confusing)                 velly = valley
dare = there                                                             peninchula = pennisula
assoshate = associate (probably the best one)          Brreek! = Brick
understoot= understood                                           roads = rods
ole = all                                                                  staohn = stone
pope uler = popular                                                 flut = flood
pro sess = process                                 howkiss powkiss = hocus pocus
ex = axe                                                                 someonce = someone's
kohnfrontd = confronted                  Charlot (with a hard Ch) = Charlotte
Paoweh Poaynt = Power Point                               how tit tow tit = hoity toity
tep = tap                                                                    lass = last
nyeah, nyeah nyeah = yes                                        dillygenz = dilligence
exsejerating = exaggerating                                     caohst = soast
gachets = gadgets                                                    Hibrid = hybrid

Ole zatz dare iss to do is to assoshate wot the Rhoamans understoot about the roads on the pennichula.

And we're only at the midterm...

The Council Has Spoken

Aliens! Ahhhhh! They have come to Earth, and demand to speak to our Council of Elders, lest they rape our planet for it's resources and destroy our race. We must first elect 10 elders on this council, meet the aliens on their mothership (I'd like to call it "the Peak"), and talk them out of an invasion.

Oprah
The Public Speaker

First thing's first, Oprah will be the Earth's representative speaker. For roughly hour intervals, Oprah will sit down with the extra terrestrials and gently tell them everything the council says. Plus, the alien Powerlord will be pleasantly surprised when he in given a new Nissan Juke!

Stephen Hawking
The Guy Who Gets How They Got Here

  When the Navigator General is complaining the ride over, Stephen Hawking will be the only one with the chops to relate to their taxing space travel. But then, has he actually talks to them, the invaders will be amazed at this creature, half man, half computerman. And their robot slaves can probably be his best friends.

Queen Elizabeth II
Because They'll be Expecting Some Pomp

"Puny Earthlings! Do all your leaders wear suits? Our Powerlord wears skins of the Chamburi Beast and robes of the Populdi flower! Where are your..., oh shit. She's got a crown and scepter. Let's listen to her. But is she really using the Royal We?"

 
I bear the Scpeter, I am Earth's closest thing to a Powermaiden! And the bellicose aliens will need to see an old school monarch in order to listen.


Bono
The Humanitarian Guilt Trip

  Receiving the Catholic, Humanitarian, and Pop Star vote is Bono (real name unknown). Right before the council begins its meeting, Bono will visit the alien "Dying Chambers" (they have no word for hospital) and pray/ sing songs from the Spiderman Musical over wounded soldiers. Then he will call the Powerlord out over his lack of human/alien rights provisions in their constitution, and sit there in his sunglasses for the whole meeting, letting his Irish Catholic guilt trip soil the Powerlord's judgment.

Marilyn vos Savant
Let's Hope they Speak Puzzle

 
Supposedly, she has an IQ of 228. There is no thought or brain teaser that she can not best. It's unlikely that the aliens have a language that can be spoken by our tongue. Yet, can communicate to their Tomelord by solving puzzles, not to mention she can almost instantly figure out the odds to any scenario. I imagine her on Oprah's right, whispering what choice Lady O should make in a situation with 2/3 odds.

Nelson Mandela
The Peacemaker

Because resurrecting Gandhi's corpse isn't an option...yet, Nelson is our diplomatic-est diplomat. With almost superhuman patience and compassion, he will stop at nothing to seek peaceful negotiations with the invaders.

Bill Clinton
The Lovemaker

 He is no way politically qualified to end an invasion. But he is incredibly sexually qualified.
  "Bill, we need you to sleep with the Vassalmaidens onboard "the Peak" and get the aliens in a good mood. Here's roughly 40 cigars and 96 hours worth of Viagra. Do work son."
And in the rare case we are dealing with a Powermaiden, not Powerlord, he will stop at nothing to end this invasion. With his cock. Make love, not war.

Ban Ki Moon & Kim Jong Il
Ying and Crazy

 
  North and South Korea, united to save the world! As the Warvassal scrambles his Dekrom-Class strike fighters, Ban Ki Moon will work hard to seek a last minute peace arrangement or a cease fire. But Kim Jong Il won't have that bullshit. Not like he's got nukes, but if he did, hypothetically, them would be aimed at the Peak. Yes, we will all die, human and alien alike, if you don't back the fuck off Kim's planet.

And in all this panic, Ban Ki Moon will flip out and agree to Kim's plan. After this conflict, Korea becomes united, and shares a dual-kingship system, like Ancient Sparta. They use Ban's diplomacy and Kim's nukey-wildercardedness to CONQUER THE FUCKING WORLD!

Vladimir Putin
The Sonuvabitch that'll Get the Job Done

In the Korean panic, Putin slips out of sight, and emerges with a Vibroknife jammed into the Powerlord's throat. Next his people come in and they clean up the mess faster than you can say "Julien Assange". Then, he silently returns to his seat, puts his finger over his mouth and tells the council to hush. The council returns to their home planet heroes, but Vladimir wants nothing to do with the parades and celebrations; he just wants to continue to be Earth's greatest badass.

                                                       I'm on a horse