Aaron Rodgers: The Chosen One

I know who Aaron Rodgers is.

..shit. That's B.J. Novak

That's better. I know who Aaron Rodgers is. He is the chosen one of the NFL. He will be the next Super Bowl Winner. And why? Because it makes the better movie.

I tend to make my Super Bowl Predictions based on two criteria: 1) if one of the teams is the New York Giants and 2) the potential to create a Disney produced sports movie from the story of the winners. And thus far, the Super Bowl has been chock-full of screenplay potential.

2010: SAINTS
With the city reeling from one of the worst natural disasters in history, sad sack Drew Brees must lead his perennial sad sack New Orleans Saints, a team without a home field, to the super bowl, where he must defeat God's gift to quarterbacks, Peyton Manning.

2008: GIANTS
Eli Manning, sad lack little brother of God's gift to quarterbacks must lead his barely made the playoffs Giants against the perfect 18-0 Patriots, culminating in one of the greatest plays in NFL history.

and as long as we're talking about the 07-08 Patriots, of "Spy Gate" infamy (Spy Gate: when the Patriots were caught filming defensive play-call signals from the Jets, so they could later know what plays the Jets were using as they called them in game), I would like to talk about how much I hate the term "X Gate". Nipplegate! Skategate! Kanyegate! Did these events take place at the Nipplegate/skategate/Kanyegate hotels? No. Shut the fuck up.

Where was I?
The 2001 Patriots, the 2000 Rams, the fucking 1969 Jets?!

    MAKE THIS MOVIE! (Jake Gyllenhaal was once rumored for it at. FUNFACT!!!!)


This year, Aaron Rodger's story has the best potential to be made into a movie.




Where to Begin?

                                 
Packers great Brett Favre is a douchebag. An all-time great, but a douchebag.

1. He can't pronounce his own name right. How is "FaVRe", pronounced "FaRVe"?
2. He set almost every major pass record with the Packers, then retired, then left for the Jets so he could win a Super Bowl (he didn't), then left for the Vikings so he could win a Super Bowl (he didn't), then retired again, but fuck that, because if there's a strike shortened season next year, he'll be back for a shortened season. You know I'm right.
3. His takes pictures of his penis and sends it to women
4. He was supposed to be God's gift to quarterbacks, but he was just an intensely talented drunk who only won one Super Bowl and proceeded to wave his dick at women (once, he drunkenly hit on Dean's friend Ryan's aunt at a bar in Minneapolis. True Story). We discovered Peyton Manning and moved on.

So as Brett soiled his reputation, Green Bay started his back-up, happy-go-lucky Cali boy Aaron Rodgers.

                                           


Flash forward to 2010-2011; the Packers barely make it in the playoffs, thanks to an immensely good NFC South, and Aaron Rodgers does his little "Steve Young without the concussions" act past Michael Vick and the Eagles (who will one day get a movie, don't worry), the NFC South champs Atlanta Falcons, and the other half of the oldest rivalry in football, The Chicago Bears.

So three upsets later, Aaron is in the Super Bowl, where he realizes that he must do battle against the true heir to Brett Favre: DUH DUH DUHHHHHHHHHHHHN!

BEN ROETHLISBERGER
Career Highlights:

• Won two Super Bowls that the defense and run game actually won. Let's put it this way, if you won two Super Bowls, but both times wide receivers were the MVPs, you suck. Especially if one of those wide recievers threw a touchdown pass...
• Missing the beginning of the 2006 season for getting in a motorcycle crash, when he was riding without a helmet!
• Allegedly raping two women, the second involving an epic dick waving bathroom scene meant for HBO. If Mythbusters taught me one thing, one time is Plausible, two times is Busted.
• Missing the beginning of the 2010 season for, in layman's terms, being a douche.

Aaron, you thought you were the true heir to Favre! Meet the new World Champion Dick Waver, Ben Roethlisberger!

Now, will the Packers win this game? It's really hard to pick against the Steelers defense, with stars like Brett Keisel and Brett Keisel's beard...

                                                         Fear it!

but I feel like if God could let Drew Brees win for New Orleans, Eli Manning to prove cheaters never win, Kurt Warner- former supermarket bagger, a team called the Patriots to win months after September 11th, and Joe Namath to win because he has the balls enough to say he will, God can let the forces of good to defeat the forces of multiple rape allegations and dick waving. Or at least, let someone other than Ben Roethlisberger be the MVP; he doesn't need a car.

PS- God, also speak to B.J. Novak's agent about playing Aaron Rodgers

What My Ipod Says About Me. SPOLIERS: It Says I Suck

I just got my ipod fixed! I don't know how I survived with out it; literaly, I was going to die because I couldn't listen to music between class. It was ugly. Now, I can listen to my favorite songs everywhere; thanks Steve!

But what are my favorite songs? I don't think I have a song on my iTunes that I don't like. Stratch that, I own
Soulja Boy's "Bitch I Look like Goku" ironically. Anyway, a basic theory would state that I would listen to my favorite songs the most. Therefore, those songs are the best representation of me.

I am all about appearances, mostly because I lisped until I was thirteen, so how I looked was automatically going to be my best feature in meeting people. So, what appaearances do my Top Ten most played songs on iTunes cast for me?

1- "Check The Rhime"- A Tribe Called Quest (83 plays)

What I Want it to Say About Me: My number one most played song is by the best group in the Native Tongues Collective, meaning I care about not only hip-hop, but also jazz, and politically conscious music.
What It Actually Says About Me: This is merely the most accessible hip-hop group for white people to get into, so the fact that I listen to them just proves I wish I was black.


 2- "Supper's Ready"- Genesis (39 plays)

What I Want it to Say About Me: This song only has 39 plays, but because it is a whopping 23 minutes long, that's closer to 160 plays. I appreciate a song in any form, length or style. I have the patience to appreciate a good song even if it is 23 minutes long. And obviously, I couldn't have heard this on the radio, so I care about Album Oriented Rock.
What It Actually Says About Me: Oh my God, you fucking nerd, who the fuck listens to a Prog Rock song that is THAT long? Women don't like your company.


3- "The Debt Collector" - Blur (65 plays)

What I Want it to Say About Me:  Britpop as a movement never broke in America besides Oasis and Coldplay, but that was the point; it was a point of British pride for a few years to not export the coolest songs on the Isle to the Colonies. Liking an obscure Blur song is proof that I know and care about England, its coolest musical movement, and its inherent class warfare in its pop music. You can just see a row of suburban homes in Colchester when you listen to this song. Also, Blur is from Colchester.
What It Actually Says About Me: Dude, you were in London for less than two days, and all of a sudden you think you're an expert English sociologist? Apparently, I also wish I was English, and I don't even know where Colchester is (but I'm guessing the south of England; Oasis was from the north, and those two bands class warfare blah blah blah Britpop, grunge was cooler).

4- "Bonafied Lovin'"- Chromeo (61 plays)

What I Want it to Say About Me: I love to dance, I am musically diverse, and I am a gentleman. Ergo, I love indie-electro-dance anthems about being a gentleman. Also, Chromeo has described themselves as "the only successful Arab and Jewish partnership since the dawn of human culture" (Gemayel and Macklovitch). Damn it, I'm also racially sensitive.
What It Actually Says About Me: I wasn't around for the real 80's, so I'm settling for songs from 2007 that sound like they're form 1987, which is laaaaaame.

5- "Use Somebody"- Kings of Leon (60 plays)

What I Want it to Say About Me: It was a radio smash from former indie darlings. How do I know this? Because I knew them when they were indie darlings, and I was cool enough to listen to the radio and make it through all of the bad music (this was the summer of the Black Eyed Peas the E.N.D.) to listen to Kings. It rocks hard, it's got musically challenging parts, like that crazy bassline in the 2nd verse (seriously, have you ever noticed that?) and it's a flat out great ballad.
What It Actually Says About Me: I dated a high school girl when this album came out, so I heard this song at prom as a 20 year old. Also, their first two albums were better. And they didn't stoop to writing prom ballads on those albums.

6- "You're the Wanker, If Anyone Is" - Say Anything (59 plays) 

What I Want it to Say About Me: I like emo. But like that shit that was on the radio with men in eyeliner crying, real emotionla punk rock, like Max and the boys. Songs such as this are complicated, dense, and volitile. This album was called "In Defense of the Genre", meaning, emo can still kick ass.
 What It Actually Says About Me: They're not even that emo, I just like having a band I like that I can call emo. Plus, I only listen to this song because he says "Go fuck yourself" really cool like at the end.


7- "This Charming Man"- The Smiths (58 plays) 

What I Want it to Say About Me: I am sensitive man, who fully grasps a song about a an episode from the life of England's most favourite (see what I did there) closeted rock star. The subtle lyrics, with interpolations from 19th century literature, tell the story of the first time Morrissey was infatuated for a man. To even understand that, you have to be deep. Also, I love jangly guitars.
 What It Actually Says About Me:  I have a crush on Morrissey.

8- "Radio Free Europe"- R.E.M. (57 plays) 

What I Want it to Say About Me: I am a true indie rock fan; I listen to the first single by the seminal indie rock group, who influenced all of the 80s and 90s alternative rock. Everyone knows old R.E.M. is better becuase it sounds worse; the man had yet to get to them and demand vocals that were audible in the mix.
 What It Actually Says About Me: I am a d-bag who likes things because I am told to; also, I have a crush on Michael Stipe.

9- "Oxford Comma"- Vampire Weekend (57 plays)

What I Want it to Say About Me: I'm smart! I listen to indie rock with strong Afro-pop overtones by four Columbia grads from Cape Cod that use words like "Dharamsala" and make jokes about english grammar, which is really rediculous compared to other world languages, and make toungue-cheek-references to "Get Low", the only Billboard #1 hit to adress the serious problem of "the sweat runnin' down mah balls". Also, I care about fashion, because, come on, you've seen how those guys dress.
What It Actually Says About Me: I don't actually have any idea what any of these lyrics mean, except for that part where he says "first the window, then it's to the wall", which I think is funny, because the next part is about ball sweat.

10- "Shelf" -The Jonas Brothers (56 plays)

What I Want it to Say About Me: I am a true music lover. I heard about the Jonas Brothers, thought "what's all this fuss about?", listened to their album, actually liked a song, and continued to listen to it. And I have the balls to tell people about it. And by the way, it totally sounds like a Cheap Trick song.
What It Actually Says About Me: I am a 10 year old girl. I deserve to be castrated. Also, I have a crush on a Jonas Brother, more than my crushes on Morrissey and Stipe.

And I'm SUCH a loser, it's Kevin.

Television, je t'aime

There is one thing I'm most proud of, it's that I have kept up a loving, monogamous relationship for most of my life...
with televison.
I have watched unhealthy amounts of TV in my life. I watched 13 straight hours of Cartoon Network when I was five (but hey man, Banana Splits was my shit). I have seen the first season of Heroes at least three times (and one of those times, we watched the first fourteen episodes in one day). I liked Arrested Developement when it was still on TV (I feel like I need a parenthetical sentence to keep it all even). Hell, I'm writing this blog update to the soundtrack of the musical episode of Buffy. So therefore, I feel I could write TV.

Now I'm not saying that I could write this like when your big brother watches Independence Day 28 times and then says "I could write this shit" every time he finishes a quote: I feel I have the combination of dedication, inspiration, perspiration, and qurikiness to develop a TV show. Here are all of the best ideas for shows that I have come up with, my friends and I have come up with, and my friends have come up with and I am stealing the idea for.


1- Parties (this Fall, on NBC)
It was Taylor MaccDonald's birthday; Taylor, in her epic Taylor-ness, went to the wrong Don Pablo's for her birthday dinner. So as we were waiting around, I asked Kathy what parties we were throwing this fall. But it came out "Kathy, parties, this fall!", to which James responded "on NBC".
And thus, a show was born.
Parties is a single camera sit-com about a group of six friends who are always trying to hang out on the weekends, but for whatever reason, all six of them can never make it to the same party at the same time. Oh, the hi jinks! So yeah, we don't have character names, so this breakdown will be done with the actors' names.

1. Christopher Gorham- lead male. Cool sort of nerd working as a software designer. Wants to get with lead female, but supporting cougar always gets in the way.
2. Madeline Zima- lead female. Lovable secretly hot girl, at software firm. The tension is there from episode one.
3. Dave Coulier- supporting male. Uncle of lead male, working at firm with nephew. Married man, three kids, always has to take the kids to Legoland or some ol' bullshit. Most likely to miss a party. Childhood best friends with supporting cougar, introduces her to lead male.
4. Sarah Jessica Parker or a Sarah Jessica Parker type- supporting cougar. Recently divorced, wants to band lead male, he's not having it.
5. Dave Atell- sleasy male. Works at same software firm; wants to bang everything that moves.
6. Fran Drescher- annoying female. Best friends with supporting cougar. A drunk, loud mess.

Season 1 ends with both lead male and lead feamle hooking up, and annoying female and sleazy male hooking up.
OK ALSO we never realized this when we came up with this, but yes, we are reuniting the cast of The Nanny. Fran was the Nanny named Fran, Madeline was the youngest daughter. Meant to be, son.

2-The Couch (CBS)
James and I mentioned that we needed a lame, not funny, Two and a Half Men style CBS sticom, and Heather Silverman suggested "Bromance", a show about James and I. But because we're awesome, James and I tweaked it (read: improved on it dramtically) and made it The Couch. There are two ways to approach this show:
how cbs would want it: Four camera, fake laughter. This show is about two dudes, who sit on a couch all day and watch tv, and all the adventures they have on the couch/with the people who interact with the couch.
how we wanna do it: you know what scene in Pulp fiction when Jules and Vincent are waiting and we just se the backs of their heads? A whole show where the camera doesn't leave from the veiw of the back of the couch. But because that's ingenious, it'll never get made.

3- The With Mikey Nickels Series

1. "Let's Build Some Shit, With Mikey Nickels". The legend, Mikey Nickels once said "you know what would make a great show? If you just gave people wood and shit, and they built some shit! Like with me, I got all these tools to make a terrarium for my psychedellic mushrooms... anyway, so I gave all the tools back...actually I just filled the box with rocks and returned it (Home Depot never figured it out), so I have all the tools, and now I wanna built some shit!"
2. "Ninja Shit, With Mikey Nickels". The legend, Mikey Nickels once said "you know what would make a great show? If we just got a bunch of dudes who were like ninjas together and filmed them doing ninja shit!"
3. "With Mikey Nickels, With Mickey Nickels". I think we just need to follow this dude around with a camera at all times. Right Mikey?

   

                                               Yes John, this happened
4- Moon Base
Yeah, this is all Trent and Dean. Moon base is a 60s style Saturday morning cartoon. A meteor has wiped out the Earth, now five wacky teenagers survive on the Moon Base!

Theme song! Moon Base (clapclap, clap) Moonbase (clapclap, clap). Who turned off the gravity? JEFFREY!

Four of the five kids are horny and just trying to get laid all day, leaving Jeffrey, the nerd, to do all the work. By the last episode, after multiple seasons of taunts and derisions, Jeffrey kills himself. But then, the rest of the base realizes they don't know how to turn on the oxygen! THE ALL DIE! Hahahahahalolzhahaha!




 5- Sperm Race
A woman is inpreganted by a cocktail of 10 donors' semen. These ten men then go on a dating show with the woman, a man is eliminated every week. By the end of the show, she picks one man to raise the baby with.

BUT THEN: when the baby is born, a paternity test is given, and if she chose the actual father of her baby, they win the grand prize!

Theme song! Sperm Race (clapclap, clap) Spermrace (clapclap, clap).

6- Third Shelf
Kathy, James and I (with the occasional Taylor MaccDonald) go from bar to bar and film it; at each bar, asking them to make the Dom Tartaglia signature cocktail, the Third Shelf!

The Third Shelf is comprised of everything that was on the third shelf of the fridge at Baba's on the evening of December 3rd, 2010

• Goldschlager
• Jagermeister
• Black Haus
• Half and Half
• Orange juice

Theme song! Third Shelf (clapclap, clap) Thirdshelf (clapclap, clap).

7- Molasses
At Archaeology Field School 2009, the unparalleled Mindi Naticchioni made some remark about some thing beign some sort of both hairy and sticky. The bodacious-boob-lover, Hunter Muller, said "Like a Cat and Molasses". And I said, "like a Cat named Molasses?"

Thus our PBS Kids show was spawned; Molasses is an archaeologist cat who travels the globe with her furry team of furry archaeologists, the prissy Marmalade the Bunny and the inept Chocolate the Dog (along with talking tools, of course) , unearthing the world's great treasures. They learn proper archaeological techniques and history of the pasts they are unearthing with the help of guest stars, like Pedro, the Maya Jaguar, or Yanni, the Greek Goat.

A theme song exists. It was recorded on Josh Monroe's phone, and it's faux calpyso. PBS kids will eat that shit up.

  But this is not THE Molasses the Cat. I don't know who the fuck this bitch is...

8- Heroes, Season 5
James and I plotted a 5th season for Heroes (of course cancelled after four, yet the fourth season ended on a cliffhanger), but it's far too complicated to blog about. Trust us, it's as good as Season One.


...ok, it's not as good as Season One.

9- The Uncanny X-Men

Ah, my life dream, to create a live action X-Men TV show. As you may not know, it took Wolverine 11 years to appear in X-Men comics. This is why I have balls: Wolverine won't appear on this show until Season 2; it's time we got the kids to start liking Cyclops. Basic rundown, we the original 5 X-Men, Cyclops, Jean Gray, Beast, Angel and Iceman; make it teen drama-y. Season Three, add the next gen, Storm, Wolverine, Colossus, Nightcrawler, and Kitty. There are so many stories to be told with my favorite superheroes that have yet to be done with any TV or movie apadtation.. I have 16 seasons plotted out. I'm not kidding, 16 consecutive story lines; there's nothing else to do when you work the graveyard shift behind the desk at the dorms. I want this to be the superhero version of the Law and Order style TV dynasty, spin-offs galore!

But my biggest fear is that the actor who plays Wolverine will become a huge star and want to leave in the middle of the run of the show. But there's no way we can kill of his character!

                                               


10-...
James and I have come up with an idea for show so good that I can't post it on the internet. Trust us, it's awesome. Look out for it on FX.
 
                             

The Cultural Necessitiy of The Nicki Minaj

How good is Nicki Minaj? Seriously.

                                                    Hello America, You Need Me

I was first introduced to the entity that I assumed was named "Nikki Menage" when she was Shaking it for Daddy, aka Robin Thicke. "Nice", I thought, "she's like a new Lil' Kim". But I was wrong, as I have been before (although rarely). Nicki Minaj has occupied a space in the pop culture continuum saved for legends, shooting stars, and MTV reality show contestants: for a temporary period, which is happening right now, even if we don't realize it, we need Nicki Mianj to survive. She is replacing oxygen, water, and basic shelter as an absolute necessitiy.

AWESOME THINGS I KNOW ABOUT NICKI MINAJ
1- She's from Trinadad. Billy Ocean is from Trinadad; therefore, Nicki Minaj needs to get out of my dreams and into my 09 Nissan Versa.
2- The previous statement is impossible, because if I understand correctly, Drake called dibs on her. (From "Miss Me": I love Nicki Minaj, I told her, I’d admit it, I hope one day we get married, just to say we fucking did it). That sounds like a marriage stemming from an escalating series of dares, culminating in a quickie-divorce. So maybe I have a chance...
3- She's feasibly the only American female celebrity who isn't afraid to use the word cunt. In England, they throw that word around like dick or pussy; in the States, however, it is the be all and end all of curses. It's cool though, cuz Nicki's taking it back. She's got balls...or rather, ovaries. And they're probably bright pink.
4- But Nicki is an equal opportunity genital reference employer; she loves finding creative ways to use the word dick. E.g.,  her "flow (is) tight like a dick in the butt" and (concerning the bitches) "If I had a dick, I'd piss on 'em". Thank you Nicki.
5- Nicki Minaj has 32, scene stealing bars in Kanye West's "Monster". Rick Ross has a forgettable 8. Therefore, Nicki Minaj is at least 4 times better than Rick Ross.

Recently, I realized, I can't live without a daily dosage of Minaj in my diet. And I respect what she's doing for the youth of America. Yes, I mean as Grade-A, American Certified, Yet Probably Surgically Enhanced, Masturbation Fodder. She is the Male Fantasy. I came from a simple time; I was going through puberty in the days of Britney in her prime and X-Tina X-Aguilera. Where are we now? Britney is chubby and an undermedicated shell of her fomer self, Christina made "Burlesque", ie, is catering exclusively for the gay men. What are the youth left with to oogle at? Gaga? Too artsy-fartsy; is Peter Gabriel sexy? Ke$ha? No. Her calling her vagina a "glove box" makes me think it flops open, plus the taunt "don't be a bitch with your chit-chat, just show me where your dick's at" is probably the last thing you hear before Ke$ha cuts off your penis to add to her Veitnam-War-black-ops-esque dick-necklase. That white bitch scares me in the best way possible, but I'd never fantasize about her. Nicki has wide hips (ftw), toffee skin, large fake breasts, a huuuge ass, and an affinity for the color pink. Every man's fantasy and she certainly doesn't brush her teeth with sour mash whiskey.

                                                       Look at it.



But Dom, what about the music? I thought you'd never ask.

NICKI MINAJ'S TOP 5 MOMENTS
Young Money- "Bed Rock"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q1dX_GBpo8c&feature=related
I love any rap song that features an ensemble group, each playing a character. This stems from my love of The Real World, The X-Men, and the Wu-Tang Clan. Here's a video, catering to my likes, where a hip-hop group pretends to be on the Real World. Great! Drake is the Randy of the San Diego season wise stud and Nicki is the Ruthie from the Hawaii season intellegent mess! But wait, Nicki declares it is time to put her pussy on her your (my) sideburns?!? That sounds like the hottest thing ever. Win, Nicki

Nicki Minaj feat Eminem- "Roman's Revenge"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K9h_I90M8-M
"Ra ra like a dungeon dragon" is by far my favorite Busta Rhymes lyric. Now, "Ra ra like a dungeon dragon" is my favorite interpolated Busta Rymhes lyric turned Nicki Minaj hook. And let's go back to cunt. Words commonly used in hip-hop that rhyme with cunt: blunt, front, stunt. She has the stones to say what we always thought would rhyme. Also classic horrorcore Eminem.


Nicki Minaj- "Right Thru Me"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rLjxnKixyaA
There is hardly a difference between this song and Beyonce's synth happy ballad "Halo". Except of course, all references to angels have been replaced by a chorus consisting of "How do you do that shit?". Beyonce is Captain Marvel, Nicki Minaj is Black Adam. Shazam indeed. They should fight.

                                          That HAS to be why this pic exists.


Trey Songz and Nicki Minaj- "Bottoms Up"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ekAXPCphKXQ
Nicki steals the song from Mr. Steal Your Girl. I have two words for you: Trimspa Baby.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UqstpSMMhHA&feature=related
"Do you like my body?". A simple question, but I could not realize where I heard it. And then, as a boy-soprano sings a requim, Nicki says "rest in peace to Anna Nicole Smith".
Nicki, you sweet succubus, you made me remember those terrible trimspa commericals. You are a genius.


Kanye West featuring It doesn't matter except for Nicki Minaj- "Monster"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ona42jz8w0k
You have to be on your game to outrap Jay-Z and Kanye on a track, especially when Kanye supposes that when Pharoahs have sex, they put the pussy in a Sarcophagas (but it's not hard to out rap Rick Ross; I could out rap Rick Ross). Nicki isn't just on her game, she's all time great. This is the best cameo since Marshall McLuhan in "Annie Hall".

                               Pictured: Rick Ross, Kanye, Nicki Minaj
"First thing's First": Every boast in that song is true. Yes, she's barely realeased an album, but she's somehow felt like she's been here for years. 50k for a verse, no album out indeed. And there's nothing you can do about it, because she's talented, aka A Motherfucking Monster. And yes, she's rich, her pocket's eating cheesecake. It's fat. Motherfucking Monster.

I'm not sure what a tour-de-force is, but I bet it sounds like Nicki's verse. And it's so manic; her voice changes tone so much, she sounds like a hip-hop Sybil. Let's call the base Nicki voice Sybil, the Carribean voice Vickie, the throaty voice is Vanessa, and the sweet-cartoony voice is Peggy. I'll bet she has eight more where that came from.
Yes. I'll say it again. Nicki Minaj is a Motherfucking Monster.