The Trouble with Christmas

I love Christmas music. O Come All ye Faithful might be my favorite song of all time (that or Supper's Ready). But I hate Pop Christmas music. For hours on end at work, on the radio, fucking anywhere in public, I hear the same 40 songs on satellite Christmas radio. Always in the same order. Not even 40 songs, but like 33 songs with 7 additional covers slid in. And I said 7 additional covers because none of these are the pop Christmas classics you love- they're pop Christmas remakes. This is turning me into that Bill Murray title character in that one movie- no not Steve Zissou!

This holiday is supposed to be Christ's birthday. These songs are abominations before Christ.

Eddie Money and Ronnie Spector, "Everybody Loves Christmas"
Eddie Money, the pervy uncle of 80's pop.
You probably didn't remember that Eddie Money and Ronnie Spector did a duet in take me home tonight- presumably so that Eddie didn't get sued when he overused the refrain be my little baby.

I didn't know they did another song.


Now, I don't instantly complain when I hear an 80s pop song, and I even LOVE  a certain 80s pop-christmas song (more on that later). But seriouslyface, when I hear this song, I see cocaine instead of snow.

"Hey Ronnie, thanks for not suing me as I rip off one of the best songs of the 60s. Let's do an orignial Christmas song COCAAAAAAAAAAAINE!"

 The Eagles, "Please Come Home for Christmas"
ok, that's cool I guess, Christmas Blues!





wait a second. Do you guys like Abbey Road?



FUCK YOU, IT'S THE SAME FUCKING SONG! THE BIG LEBOWSKI WAS RIGHT. This makes me love the Beatles more. The Beatles never sold out.

Ringo Starr, "I Wanna be Santa Claus"



Ringo, you are a soulless, tone-deaf craven.

Taylor Swift, "Last Christmas"
What makes Wham's last Christmas (my afformentioned stellar 80s pop Christmas song) is that even though it's a through away song, George Michael swings for the fences. While I admit that I'm not sure how the ratio between bitten and shy is supposed to work, apparently  2:1 shy to bitten ratio is sad. George is truly heartbroken over his being rejected randomly on a holiday. And baby, that's good pop music.


Just listen to him belt "gave you MYYYYYYYYY" at the end. That's torment.

Listen to Taylor blandly meander through Last Christmas:



George Michael wrote this song and he lives in a space in the words; when George says "I love you I meant it", damn it he meant it!. Taylor was clearly told she could make money covering this song and she did. I didn't think she could sell out any farther, but she can.

Jewel, "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer"

This song is awesome for the first verse. Hey! It's Jewel and her mom doing an a capella Rudolph! Even Jewel can't ruin this!
SPOILERS: Jewel ruins it.


She peppers the second verse with the 2 reasons why I hate Jewel: her goat yodel voice and her folk scat shit. Someone tell her "badoing-ee-doing-doing" is not a word and does not belong in Rudolph.

This song is so bad that, when I found the album at Goodwill, I immediately bought it.

X-Friends Issue 2

X-Friends Issue 1

***OFFICIAL TEASER***

OK, so lots of you say I need to put my doodles online.

Here's the first two pages for an idea that is near and dear to my heart.

Just a teaser, but with enough audience response, I might go through with this...

Basically, this would become tales from UC chorus and friends, but drawn as mutant superheroes.

In the forthcoming first episode: party Cyclops' house! Nightcrawler gets too drunk to teleport, Cannonball starts a danger room session with Wolverine, and then Storm takes care of Cannonball as he pukes up his alfredo.

Praise be to the Old Timey Cyclops Diety

This past weekend I attended the 2011 MidPoint Music Festival in the heart of downtown Cincinnati.

the three day live music jamboree is held in the heart of downtown Cincy/OTR at every venue that you can forseeably cram a band into. Festival includes music, dancing, free vitamin water (that you can spike and then drink on the street), doughnut wenches...

a rotating cast of characters including KathyLolz, Evan Blyth Sneath Lord of Pilkington, Heather "The Kitchuation" Kitchen, Intrepid Reporter Leyla Lane of the Daily Planet, Steve the Comic Book Guy who loves that reference, Archaeologist and Party Host Peter Stone, Drunk Philologist John Ryan, the cast and crew of Peter and John's party, the guy who knew me and shook my hand but I have no idea who he is, Amar Singh (whom I literally bumped into. with my elbows. twice.), some kids from Delphos OH et al.

BUT, contrary to the logo, there was no old-timey cyclops god

 Here's the list of the bands I saw this list is the list of the bands I saw:

I will preface this entire section with a disclaimer that yes, I gave Dom-esque comparisons for every band I viewed on twitter. A certain twitter follower apparently deemed them annoying and began to ridicule me. This follower shall remain nameless, but because he is over critical, possibly a closeted homosexual and plays the clarinet, I shall call him Squidward.

THE JOY FORMIDABLE



cute blonde Welsh girl sings like Dolores O'Riordan from the Cranberries and swirls a swirling guitar for people who care about swirling guitars. Also, as seen in video, hallucinogenic cat heads.

BANDERAS

Bruising hard rock with guitars like Motorhead and a lead singer who snarls jovially like Dick Valentine from Electric 6 but moons the drummer and climbs the rafters like some 12 year old who needs  juvee time. Met him afterwards though; his name is Jeremy,. Real pleasant fellow (in the Iggy Pop tradition of nice midwestern men who transform into punk rock incubi on stage).

TWO MAN GENTLEMEN BAND

 An old timey jazzish comedy duo, like Wayne's World, but on some sort of self referential Lawrence Welk parody. Many songs about parties, food and fancy beer. Of all the bands I saw, they made me laugh hardest, and then instantly crave Indian food.



VIVA VOCE

 A neat little two piece who makes beautiful sounding guitar noises. I did not hear of them through word of mouth, however...

OKKERVIL RIVER

Like Arcade fire,but without all the bullshit that makes me hate Arcade Fire (all I'm saying that if they were British, all of the duchebaggery would be explainable. But no Canadians should act like that). Really cool- also has a trombone on some songs.



CUT COPY

Australians who immediately made me want to listen to New Order. In their hour and a half long set they facilitated the rockinest dance party at the fest. And,
their lead singer looks like Hipster Seth Meyers...







THE RIGHT NOW
Kathy and I saw this band as we were waiting for Bright Light Social Hour to take the stage. We had uniquely different opinions:
Kathy: "that dress she wore was so ugly. What the fuck? It was like 'hey, I'm pregnant, but still look at my underwear!'"
Dom: "Legs"

Still, fun soul music. She sounds like Katherine McPhee, the boys dance behind her, the guitarist looks like jazzy Remus Lupin.

THE BRIGHT LIGHT SOCIAL HOUR

This band is a dangerous combination of four guys having fun on stage combined with four excellent fucking musicians. The only thing scarier than how good they are is how nonchalant they are about it.

Their sound is steeped in old school but on the cusp of the new- think if the Allman Brothers were into Animal Collective and got a synth player. But still they're as bluesy as you'd expect four long haired unshowered boys from Texas to be. It was tiring keeping up with who was playing what. You know when you listen to a Cream album and there comes that point where Jack, Clapton and Ginger are playing different solos? Mind blowing- they did that a solid three times. 30 minutes into the set, a lady in an official mpmf'11 t-shirt gestured for the band to end after two more songs. Curtis the guitar player nodded in agreement, then turned around and gave the rest of the band a look like "is she for real real" and shook his head no. They played four more songs. I screamed for joy. I randomly screamed fuck yeah several times. I guess that's just them bringing a slice of Texas on tour with them. Their album sounds about 80% percent as wild as they do live, which is still impressive. Seriously, buy their albums now! This is not brainwashing; this is heartwashing!

God's Gift to Youtube

Here's a fun story.

It was Nate Loyer's last week Cincinnati, and we decided we needed a frivolous pizza lunch at Dewey's. We ordered our usual: Nate, Christobell and I swagged out chicken, buffalo and bacon ranch style, Brittany ordered a salad that was way too big to be considered a side, Kathy continued her lachanophobia, and Heather took pictures.

As we exited, we saw several men in V necks, dancing upon a young, seemingly disinterested woman as another young man filmed. Of course, we asked if we could join. It erupted into a dance party outside of Dewey's. They said they would get a hold of us so that we could see the finished video.

And this is what happened. I will let the video speak for itself.

"You Are All Assholes"

This is a list of famous people I aspire to be:

• Chuck Klosterman
• Henry Rollins
• Rob Dyrdek
• The RZA
• Bruce Springsteen

This post is about 1 and 5

So if you've ever read my blog, you may know that I love and aspire to be Chuck Klosterman, professional witty dude.

Chuck Klosterman is the Bob Dylan to my Joan Baez; all the cool shit you thought I was coming up with, not me, him. And one of the best things he ever said was his 85% theory. In lay-summarizers terms, everything ever is at 85%.

Now I don't remember if this was Chuck or my brother, Dean TeenIdolAngelo Tartaglia who said this, but the ratio of people who will one day leave their hometowns and make something of their lives is 85%.

And now #5, the guy who made leaving your hometown in a youthful rebellion cool: Bruce Springsteen.




Bruce's songs all come from a place of quasi-semi-auto-biographical wholesomeness, where you expect all of these songs to be about this shit he used to do in New Jersey. That's his appeal. I one day expect to meet Wendy from Born to Run or Rosalita or Crazy Davey from Spirit in the Night and talk about young Boss. This is the kinda shit that makes people beleive that Bruce works at a car warsh in Asbury Park, he's always had that still back home appeal. The 85%.

But comes Glory Days.




Ah Glory Days. My friends are drunks or housewives, but they used to be cool. And it's cool to remember being cool with the other 85% of my hometown! Bruuuuuuce. I am 80s Bruce Springsteen: my biceps are huge, I play a positive blue collar guy in the video, and Clarence plays random percussion because fuck saxophones.

But then I started realizing the contradiction. 80 Bruce Springsteen is all about he's stuck in his hometown (My Hometown, Glory Days, Born in the USA), but 70s Bruce is all about leaving his hometown (Born to Run, Thunder Road, Badlands). And obviously, the 70s story is correct, because he's a rockstar; he is the 15% percent we aspire to be.

When he was singing about staying in the hometown, he was the world's biggest rockstar. Therefore, what is the true meaning of Glory Days?

All of my friends used to be cool, but they are now all drunks and losers because they peaked in high school. Now I am the biggest rockstar ever and fuck everyone I knew.

He's totally about to give 85 percent of the work the finger...

My Name is Dom

Last Wednesday, I went to get Asian food with my brother Tony and his girlfriend of 9 years, Kelly.

visual aide. Tony's the dude.

anyway, as we were getting Pan-Asian-American Fusion food (fried chicken with Korean rice noodles and a garlic sauce. AmerAsia in Covington, go there now), three fortune cookies were placed in front of us. Now, one of my pet peeves is that I hate when fortune cookies are not fortunes. Don't you hate when it's just a wise saying and/or a compliment? I want a damn fortune!

Well, I got a fortune all right

If you can't read that or you're in disbelief, it reads: "Your problem just got bigger. Think, what have you done."

First of all, yes, there should be a question mark. But we don't need to dwell on that. Let's focus on a negative fortune cookie. Ummm, they exist? I haven't heard of a negative fortune cookie since?




...since Filbert got one. I would like to quote my old pal Tom P. Meyers upon learning that a crackhead who can only be described as Tyrone Biggums from Chapelle's show stole my phone at a Panera:
"It is so appropriate that your life would become a TV show"

I would like to digress and point out that Filbert is totally the same voice actor as Plankton.

Anyway. What have I done to deserve this? Everyone asked me "dude, what's up with your karma?"

Who do I look like?

well, maybe more than Filbert. I mean, shit, if I'm already turning into Filbert, I may as well be Earl for an episode.

Seeing as I hold no other doctrines of Hinduism, I ought not to believe in karma. But it got to me. And I wondered, what is the purpose of this happening to me.

That Friday, I arrive at Tony and Kelly's house to house sit while they go on vacation. I'm able to catch them before they leave. Kelly rushes to the door and presents to me a newly bedazzled left hand.

And it became clear.
Could you imagine if Tony, with an engagement ring waiting, had gotten a fortune that read "YOUR MISTAKE JUST GOT BIGGER. THINK WHAT HAVE YOU DONE(?)"

My karma was taking a bullet for Tony. My bad luck was to create good luck for my brother. I was an instrument of good karma for another person.

My name is Dom

Congratulations Tony and Kelly. Now I no longer have to awkwardly call her my brother's girlfriend of 9 years.

America's Next Great Vulgar Faux 60's Pop Smash

Something on my mind. I gotta say it.
Yeah.
Your pussy done changed.

Let me explain.

This is the lyrics to a song. A pop song, not a song I wrote in high school. A single. This is how that song starts. Her pussy had done changed.
This is obviously the work of a genius.
Who is responsible for this genius pussy work?

2 men:

This polite looking man is named Lloyd Polite. Lloyd is an R&B crooner who for years has been stuck singing hooks for Lil' Wayne songs (like that one Young Money song where Nicki Minaj promised to put her pussy on my sideburns. It's in my first blog entry. I have proof). He was about due for a solo hit.

And this guy is former rapper and current recluse/handkerchief aficionado Andre 3000, who used to be in Outkast and now makes two songs a year. Previously this year, Andre collaborated with Ke$ha on her excellent remix to "Sleazy", which my buddy Larry may or may not have been listening to when he got hit by a train and lived...


conclusion: Ke$ha saves lives.

So Andre, formerly of "My Baby don't mess around because she loves me so and this I know fo sho" fame decides to collaborate on a song called "Dedication to my Ex" with Lloyd. This is a vulgar song about a no good cheatin whore of a woman. Therefore, taking a cue from Cee Lo, they had to make it faux- Motown smash, like "Fuck You", a song you've probably never heard of.

This is my new favorite trend in Pop right now. I'm calling it FauxTown: Whenever an R&B singer goes pop with a angry vulgar song with a nice happy song that sounds like the music of young America circa 1963 in order to shock the listener with the jarring juxtaposition. FauxTown had it's watershed moment in Fuck You, but it draws on various other proto-FauxTown hits, such as almost everything Amy Winehouse recorded (did she died recently?) and the bizzare forgotten classic, "Fuck You".

Not by Cee Lo. By Eamon. AKA that song you thought you'd never have to hear again





But because fuck is a played out FauxTown refrain, Lloyd has opted for Pussy.

I've always liked the word pussy as a swear word. Vagina is a beautiful word, but it sounds foreign. It's like if someone goes by Nicholas, and you just stare at him and wonder why he doesn't go by Nick. Vagina needs a nickname. But cunt and twat are too vulgar and British. Pussy reminds me of Tom Jones and What's New Pussycat; everyone loves Tom Jones!
And Tom Jones was always sexy, right?

...
anyway, as Lloyd does his best Marvin Gaye impression about this girl's pussy, Andre gives one of his twice a year only verses. And it's awesome. UH-OH! It's time for an excerpt in itallics!

What? Why so quiet?
Hate that all of our memories happened in a Hyatt?
You were perfect before you went on a diet
You was way thicker, you think I don’t remember
Shit, the magazine got to your head
Now somebody you don’t even know got you in bed
Betcha buddy don't even know you don’t like red
Or was it fuchsia, fuck it, Our future is dead.

also he mentions the X-Men, which makes this my favorite song for the time being.

So, as I am wan to do, I have saved this video for the end of this post. 

You Win, or You Blog

Recently, I have been consumed by the HBO series Game of Thrones.

This show is kinda half Tolkien, half political thriller. But its not on TV. It's on HBO. Meaning, everyone is boning.
The following is a list of life lessons I have learned from Game of Thrones:
 (These are not spoilers. These are plot appetizers.)

1- You Win of You Die. Good advice anytime.
2- The best fantasy shows ground magic in science. Why can only the one family herd dragons? Oh yes, a genetic mutation that prevents burning in its lineage. What's the worst part about winter in a fantasy land? Zombies don't rot...
3- Winter is coming. Which means be prepared, but it also means they are killing off a character this episode.
4- No main character is immune to being killed. Actually, the female leads pretty much are safe, but the guys are all screwed.
5- The Dolthraki are not known for their punctuality. They are known for being bad ass barbarians and killing off main characters.

                                                             Badass
6- There is no Dolthraki word for thank you. Or Throne. Or band-aid...
7- the King must have a Hand by his side. The king shits, the hand wipes. But the Hand is the highest paid actor on the show, so I guess we're even.
8- If you are blonde and you have a sister, you are at most boning her, and at least feeling up her boobies at bath time.
9- Speaking of which, the Dragon is the douchiest nickname. Ever.

                                                     ya douche
10- No one ever sings about how men shit themselves before you slay them in the field of battle.
11- Apparently, jousting is like bullfights. Meaning when you lose, it's ok to cut the horse's fucking head off.
12- The first thing about sword fighting: stick him with the pointy end.
13- If you're going to be a cripple, it's better to be a rich cripple.
14- HBO has always found creative means of pushing the envelope. The hardest one to watch so far is a seven year old breastfeeding.
15- Armor is basically a steel man-dress. But it keeps you alive.
16- There is one thing you say to the god of death: not today (preferably in a faux-Italian broken English accent).
17- Emilia Clarke, who plays Daenerys Targaryen, is maybe the most beautiful woman I have ever seen, and that's not just because she's naked in the first scene you see her in.

                                                      Pictured: Hot Barbarian Queen
18- HBO is home of the best lesbian brothel scene in television history.
19- Also, HBO is the home of 13 year olds saying cunt.
20- No one trust the eunuch.

21- Peter Dinklage had played "Dinklage Characters" his whole career, i.e., wee and angry midgets. In game of thrones, Peter Dinklage plays the role of his life, the cunning, horny, and smartest man of the continent, Tyrion Lannister. Also he's a dwarf.

22- Tyrion Lannister's first rule of whorehouse. The significance of closed door at a whore house is that midgets be boning.
23- Tryion loves whores. Because whore are medieval sports stars.
24- Tyrion's ideal death: 80 years old, in bed, with a belly full of wine and girl's mouth on your cock.
25- If a classics grad student shouts "OH MY GOD, HAVE YOU HEARD OF GAME OF THRONES?!? IT'S A SHOW! ON HBO! PETER DINKLAGE! HE'S BLONDE! then watch it

The Sorting Hat

It seems everyone has Harry Potter withdrawls this week. Alas, my generation was the generation of Harry Potter, and we got to read the books as we aged, or in my case, all at once one summer. My favorite Harry Potter related game, which I shall bestow on thee now, is the Sorting Hat Game. It's easy.
As you know, Hogwarts is divided into four houses:

Gryffindor: for the brave and the protagonists

Hufflepuff: for the amicable and future sparkly vampires

Ravenclaw: the honors house

And Slytherin: which gets a bad rap for being the house that produced Wizard Satan, but can't be the evil house all the time. Hogwarts has centuries of tradition, there was probably a Raven Dark Wizard nerd in the 1400s or a group of anarchist, muggle-born Gryffindors in the 1700s.

Anyway, every wizard was put into a house based on personality: Neville is a Gryfinndor badass, Cedric Diggory was everyone's friend as an upperclass Hufflepuff, know-it-all Luna was a Ravenclaw, and spent all his life a double agent (not a spoiler alert, you've had 5 years to read that) Snape is an ambitious Slytherin.

Since these are pretty much the four humors, this works for muggles too.

Conan O'Brien- When he got fired from his dream job, he spent the better part of a year sticking it to the man. Also, he's a ginger.
GRYFFINDOR

Perez Hilton- The most popular man on the internet and legendary gossip artist.
HUFLEPUFF

Felicia Day- Geek ambassador to the world and the only conventionally attractive woman who DMs on the weekends
RAVENCLAW

Kim Kardashian- Pure-blood from an ancient Los Angeles family, ambitious enough to turn a leaked sex tape into a reason to be a household name
SLYTHERIN


Those were easy though. These can get tough.

Lady Gaga- although she is from a Pure-blood New York family and is a Lady at court, she has spent her career preaching how everyone is equal under dance music. It doesn't matter if you love him, or H I M. H is for
HUFFLEPUFF

Kanye West- ambitious and douchey, but yet his albums' aesthetics are of Robots and Teddy Bears.
RAVENCLAW

Rebecca Black- her family had enough money to buy a $2000 dollar single, which was the worst song ever. But she had the pure-blood integrity not to kill herself over the entirety of the internet wanting to kill her. Also, being a Black, she is related to the Malfoys...
SLYTHERIN

Jon Stewart- intellectual as a modern-day Mark Twain, but applies his smarts to fuel grass-roots, anti-establishment rallies and disguises it as humor; The Fred/ George Weasley of Politics
GRYFFINDOR

Olivia Munn- sensual queen of all things nerdy
RAVENC...
IS NOT A NERD HERSELF!
Why would she go out of her way to be geeky if she isn't actually geeky? Easy, because she loves nerds and wants to make us happy
HUFFLEPUFF

Justin Bieber- never knew his father (being a bastard is the real world version of being a mud-blood) but became the world's foremost teen idol on sheer tenacity, honing his chops as a street performer and a youtube journeyman. Hermione Granger with better hair
GRYFFINDOR

Dolph Lundgren- 6'5'' 245 lbs of Chemical Engineering major and MIT Fullbright Scholar with an IQ of 160.
RAVENCLAW

Charlie Sheen- Born into the Sheen family, a nouveau-riche family from lowly Esteves roots, Charlie became the Prince of Hollywood for a while, before having a mid-life crisis almost as outwardly manifested as Lucius Malfoy rejoining the Death Eaters

Ladies and Gentlemen, a Vatican Assassin Warlock

From there he has become more famous than before by being himself yet crazy while not having a job. The ability to look your failures in the face and declare them #WINNING is the work of a Slytherin.


FOUR MILLION POINTS FOR SLYTHERIN