A History of Swag

I haven't posted in a month. It's about time for my comeback.

In this month since I haven't posted, I've been using the word "swag" a whole fuck of a lot. It seems everyone I know is talking about this swag.

"I lost my swag!"
-CJ Jadwisak

"Did I miss swag? Why is everyone saying swag?"
-Alex Brennan

Evan Blyth Sneath has even taken swag to Germany, including the pantomimed action of "hitting the 'swag button' ", which I believe in German is translated "der Knopfschwagger".

When Chris Welch signed up the members of my hotel room for chorus tour, he crossed out the room number and simply put ROOM SWAG.

But what is swag? Everyone is talking about swag, but is everyone using it correctly?
Fortunately, I have a masters in swag history.

THE HISTORY OF SWAG
Part First: In which Swag is not used in a desirable sense




Swag or sometimes spelled Schwag was originally used by pirates as a term for their spoils. 

...but eventually they realized "booty" was far awesomer.

The next occurrence of swag comes from trade shows, in which companies will hurl free shit at you if it means getting their logo in your hands. Thus, the acronym, swag was born.

Stuff We All Get. 

 But to use swag as so is to say it is a bad thing to have swag, that swag is worthless.

 PART TWO: TO KNOW SWAGGER IS TO KNOW SWAG


In about 2006, every rapper alive decided to start saying swagger. A notable Sri Lankan Rapper recorded a song in which she said "no one on the corner got swagger like us". Then that song became big in America. And you us Americans; if we like it, we will take it to its furthest point before it breaks! 

 So yeah. A bunch of rapper guy got together and swaggered all over Paper Planes, and this was born
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TiS9-yPvBnY
and yeah, they performed it as MIA was preggers. Like, gave birth the next day preggers. USA! USA! USA!

 So for a few years, swagger became the new "pimp my..." or "word to your..." or "YEAH" as the reigning overused hip-hop word. Its contraction, swag, would rise from its ashes.

PART THREE: A BRIEF DIVERSION TO THE ORIGINS OF SWAG
The use of the word swag as a contraction of swagger can be attributed to Agent Zero.

Fuck no, not that agent zero

 
 Gilbert Arenas. Known for clutch three point shots, while shouting "Hibachi!" or sometimes "Guaranteed!". January 3, 2007, the birth of swag. Gilbert's Washington Wizards play the Milwaukee Bucks. Arenas scores 32, including a huge jumper to win it as time expired.

 When the press asked what he said this time as he sunk the three, he gave an all time classic reply:
"I didn't say anything. My SWAG was phenomenal!"
(go to 3:20 in the vid for the quote)

Flash forward to 2008. Swagger Like Us capped the use of Swagger almost completely. Ke$ha will still use it, but it's no use telling Ke$ha what to do (translated she's a furry). The swag-children of the swag-father Arenas use swag in conversation, now, two children will use swag in hip-hop.

PART FOUR: THUS BEGINS THE DARK AGE OF SWAG
Three young people would abuse the word swag, leaving it critically wounded in a ditch somewhere, but not dead.

CULPRIT #1- Soulja Boy (TellEm)

Soulja Boy. The only mother fucker stupid enough to pick a fight with Ice-T. Soulja Boy released the single "Turn My Swag On" in late 2008, a horribly off key and repetitive rant about his swag, which I consider to be the second worst song of all time.
The question "why you hatin' on me?", should be self explanatory. But sadly, this is how most of the world first heard about swag. Trust me, Soulja Boy, I have a segway, they are not swag. Novel, maybe, but not swag.

But trust me kids, it only gets worse from here.

CULPRIT #2- Lil B

Fuck you, Based God. Lil B aka Based God releases his single/ proof of the decline of western civilization "Swag on My Dick". A personality cult forms. Seriously? Him? That? This is popular?

Well you know, what they say, Dom's misery attracts company. So thus, Soulja Boy and Lil B teamed up in attempt to kill swag.

The abomination before Christ is called "Swag OD".

Everytime I hear them say "man", I die inside.

But of course, Tellem Boy Soulja wasn't done, as he gave to us the hands down, 100%, world champion worst fucking song in history.

OK, Soulja Boy, you are no longer allowed to use swag.

To make matters worse, we had a top 10 hit about Whipping One's Hair performed by Will.I.Am.'s 2 year old daughter (or something) that heavily used the word swag... let me finish... by using an interpolation of Turn my Swag On...

Swag needs a miracle to survive. It got both a miracle worker and a miracle run.

PART FIFTH: HIGH PRIESTS OF THE CULT OF SWAG
 If you haven't done so yet, meet Tyler, the Creator

Tyler is the 19 year old front man of punk-rap collective/ hip-hop messiahs/ have-you-seriously-not-heard-this-yet Odd Future Wolf Gang Kill Them All.
Tyler loves swag.
He peppers the word into almost all of his songs, most of them being nimbly metered stabs of rape and torture fantasies. A sort of rapping Quentin Tarantino.
Tyler loves Swag to dedicate two songs to the word entirely: Tina Perm Your Fucking Weave and Swag Me the Fuck Out
those might be the two funniest songs ever made. Unlight Lil B, who for all I can tell is doing that seriously, Tyler and the gang deliberately bring forth a tongue in cheek swag-tastic bombast. Twice. Swag.

Also, he and his crew live swag. From absolutely tearing apart Jimmy Fallon's stage to producing the all-time rowdiest crowd ever at SXSW, Odd Future is the new swag.


At the same time, white America was given more swag with the impressive run of 11th seeded Virgina Commonwealth University.

their motto:

Keep the swag alive in 2011, friends

You and Me could have a Rad Bromance

Ladies and Gentleman, Evan Blyth Sneath is going to Germany.

Evan Blyth Sneath was, is and forever shall be "Friday Buddy". For an entire quarter, I met up with him on Friday nights; initially accidentally, then later intentionally. He started off my Friday Buddy, he was in my phone as Friday Buddy, but he became my bro. Our Bromance would enthrall Cincinnati and indeed the heavens above. Alas, he leaves to go make money on an international co-op (w00t), but I swear by the gods I shall see him again.

So this got me thinking about the all-time great bromances. To be considered for this list is a great honor. You must be two men, who are neither gay nor family, but have a bond like brothers and a passion like lovers.


HONORABLE MENTIONS:
Butch & Sundance
Mr. Fantastic & the Thing
Bret & Jemaine
Ghostface Killer & Raekwon
Joe Sullivan & Nate Loyer

10: JOHNNY AND MARK (The Room)

Johnny was Mark's best friend. The two inseparable studs of San Fransisco had everything, good looks, prowess in bed, their ideas were being put into practice at the bank, and a good woman. Too bad it ended up being the same woman. SPOI... who gives a fuck, there's no plot to ruin. If there's one thing that defines Tommy Wisseau's cult classic other than bad acting, terrible blocking, gratuitous sex scenes or a dog at a florist, its the love between Johnny and Mark... and their shared love of football. Yes, they may have had their differences, and yes, it may have culminated in suicide (I blame Lisa), but in my mind, they'll always be running through Golden Gate Park... and "playing football".

9: Pete and Carl (of the Libertines)

Pete Doherty and Carl Barat were two aspiring rockers in England during last decade's garage-rock boom. Their band, The Libertines, were a gung-ho bunch who would become a bromantic bedtime story. In the age of S Club 7 and Coldplay, they had punk on the top of the English charts. They would give their fans their cell phone numbers (if the fans would get a tattoo of their logo). They had houseparties that evolved into impromptu concerts. Their shows were jubilant messes, and the two of them had more than enough chemistry. But Pete was too wild. Like, doing heroin with Kate Moss in a jacuzzi and smoking crack and playing with baby mice with Amy Winehouse too wild. By their second album, Carl felt like Pete had put their relationship through hell. Rather than complain about it, these two songwriters wrote a song about it. Bromance topped the English charts; it was called "Can't Stand Me Now".

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CqM11bt9QvI

 8: Tim and Eric (Tim and Eric Awesome Show Great Job)

A true bromance will come pre-equipped with comedic timing. When one watches Tim and Eric on their "what-is-loosely-considered-a-show", these bros are the perfect comedy team.
Ok, the pair is in no way perfect, but better than that, the two of them understand each other on a deep, emotional level. They seem to be on a quest to make each other laugh, and getting a rise out of the audience may just be a side effect. In its purest form, Tim and Eric Awesome Show Great Job is two best friends, a bag of weed, a greenscreen, and a notebook of "all that shit we said would be funny that one time". To make a show of that, nay, a profit, nay, a franchise, that is bromance in action.

7: Joey and Chandler (Friends)

 For all the Romance that happened on Friends, the true love was the Bromance. Neurotic Chandler and Sleezy Joey may look different on paper, but sometimes opposites attract. In reclining chairs. For a thesis on not only bromance but also the importance of a man cave, look no further than the episode entitled "The One Where Ross and Rachel... You Know". Ross and Rachel have a tension-breaking romantic night of... screw that! Joey and Chandler order pizzas to Monica's. Confused, she brings it to them, and viola! The pizza is delivered to the chair. Bromance does wonders for the mind.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQNc3xFyd48

6: Tien and Chiaotzu (Dragonball Z)

Starting off as the Crane School's evil doppelgangers of Goku and Krillin, Tien and Chiaotzu had an "us against the world" attitude from their youths. As they grew to be heroes, they grew to be inseparable. Their proudest, most bromantic moment was the fight against Nappa, when Chiaotzu commits suicide to save Tien and Tien uses all of his energy to avenge Chiaotzu. Yes, these bros were a kung-fu suicide cult. They lived the rest of their lives together in heaven and later back on Earth, occasionally fighting an Android or four, but normally bro-ing it out.

5: Kirk and Spock

While this may loose points because Kirk is Spock's boss, the two of them have boldly gone when no bromance has gone before.Maybe it's Kirk's natural promiscuity or Spock's instinct to be a wingman, but I always imagine them as a tag team. Yes, that kind of tag team.
The two of them have lived long as prospered just like the Enterprise herself, with their most bromantic moment being Spock's self-sacrifice in Wrath of Khan. But true bromances never die, just like Spock's katra.
Fascinating.

4: Rob and Big

So far, the most mismatched pair on this list, Rob and Big may live the ideal life. Here is a pro-skateborder and his bodyguard. They are rich. They have free time. Cameras follow them. They spend all their time hanging out and spending ridiculous amounts of money in ridiculous ways (known as "Doing Work"). Hey, do we need a fleet of RC helicopters? A reason to fly Uncle Jerry out from Mississippi? A mini-horse? No. But any day with Rob and Big (and Meaty and Drama and Bam Bam) becomes the best day ever. The testament to their bond is their language. Do work son. Dirty girl. Wing king baby. What cho momma said stomp. Doo-doo related ghost. The magic of television allowed us to see two best friends hanging out every week; the bromance was real, and we saw it, son.


3: Han and Chewbacca

Dog is man's best friend, but wookiee is more than that. Chewie is the perfect bromantic partner; Han has literally handed him a gun and then petted him on the head after he kills stormtroopers.
Listen, a life of intergalactic piracy can be hard. Two outlaws, outrunning the law in the Millennium Falcon, occasionally running into bounty hunters or jedi, Han and Chewie thought they would be together forever. When Han gets frozen in carbonite, yes, Leia is so sad she confesses she loves Han as if she were to never see him again, but Chewie moans in agony for the rest of the scene! It's all worth it for when they reunite in Jabba's jail; Han and Chewie have the most believable bro hug of all time.

2: Ben Affleck and Matt Damon

Two childhood best friends become actors, and make a pact to stick it out together in Hollywood. They write a movie called Good Will Hunting. They take their mom's to the Oscars. They date friends. They get married, they vacation together. What is so poignant about this bromance is that its almost as if they weren't celebrities. There's just two dudes that have been best friends forever. Post Good Will Hunting, they played a fallen bromance is Dogma, and themselves in the swing of bromance in Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back.
But really, all you need to know is this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQNc3xFyd48


1: Bruce Sprignsteen and Clarence Clemons

As the image suggests, Bruce relied on Clarence in the 70s; "The Big Man's" horn was the driving sound and often the hook of the E Street Band. At live shows, Clarence and Bruce are a cakewalking, random percussion playing duo, equip ed with enough zany antics and rabbits out of the hats make the audience stick around for a 4+ hour show. But alas, the 80s came, and synths replaced saxes. But the Boss couldn't end Clarence's bromance just yet. Clarence stayed with the band, because Bruce can't exist without his Big Man.

In every 80s Springsteen video, Clarence is always unjustifiably happy. Whether he's playing little percussion thingies : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6vQpW9XRiyM

or clapping wildly to ensure a hookup with Courtney Cox
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=129kuDCQtHs   (GO TO 1:40 I DARE YOU!)

Clarence is just happy to be around Bruce

...ok, maybe a bit too happy. What, bros can make out, right?

Taylor Lautner and Pikachu in a Theorhetical Cinematic Masterpiece

It's Pokemon's birthday! It turns 15 in Japan and celebrates it's 13th year in America. But age is counted faster in Japan years. For example, right now, in Japan, I would be a battle hardened 24 year old; presumably a samurai by now, avenging the death of my master...

Anyway, this has me thinking about Pokemon

first, I'm thinking about getting a Hydreigon. In real life. That thing has mouth hands...

But I'm also thinking about The Pokemon movie

 No, not that piece of shit. "Oh, Mew vs Mewtwo, who will win teh battle?" SPOILERS: it's a tie! A tie, really? I was an angry 11 year old (Japanese 12.6 year old).

I'm thinking about the Live action Pokemon movie that exists in my head (much like the Zelda movie note I had on my facebook. Look it up, it's a good time). And guess what, folks? This blog is the place where I can tell you about it.

Here are my ground rules:

• Live action
• cgi/mocap pokemon
• directed by Guillermo del Toro

 Now, on those rules alone, guys will see this movie, no one will willingly enter a sausage fest. Therefore, the last ground rule.
 MAKE SURE GIRLS WANT TO SEE THIS MOVIE

That being said, the girl friendly cast.

ASH: Taylor Lautner

Here we have a global-superstar-heartthrob-shirtless guy, who could pass for looking like Ash. Most importantly, with his name on the bill, women will flock to the theaters in a cult-like stupor.

                                                 But who wouldn't

GARY: Mark Salling

Gary Oak, you can't ignore his girth. Played by Mark Salling, the mom-banging asshole from Glee. I can already smell the urine from when hoards of girl pass out at the movie theater, mid pissing themselves. Is that a good thing?

and of course no Pokemon franchise cash cow would be complete without this little motherfucker.

PIKACHU: CGI with motion capture performed by Sean Astin

Just imagine Pikachu walking like Sam does. It's obvious really. Also, I apologize for calling Sam Gangee a motherfucker by association.

So, now that we know the movie will make a profit, on to the plot!

The film begins in Pallet Town in the Kanto Region, a kind of rural Anytown USA. This town is different, because is home to Oak Labs, run by the world famous Prof. Oak, the Pokemon authority.

...played by funny guy and huge video game nerd Robin Williams. He named his daughter Zelda, I will cast him in every video game movie ever.

This year, he gives out a free Pokemon to all graduating seniors in Pallet Town, including is MILF banging grandson Gary Oak (who gets an Eevee), and highschool-weirdo-sits-in-the-back-of-class-and-certainly-doesn't-shower Ash, who gets a Pikachu with a learning disability that walks like a chubby hobbit. Oak gives them permission to go forth and cockfight with their new pets; how Robin Williams of him.


Anyone 18 years of age or above (21 Japanese years) can take the Pokemon league challenge, in which they must defeat and receive badges from the 8 gym leaders of Kanto, after which they can challenge the elite four of the Pokemon league. The elite four are the top four trainers in Kanto, who appear in every ad on tv. For the most part, they are highly glamorized trainers- each with an exaggerated public persona.

Lorelei the Ice Master, played by Christina Hedricks, a slutty fame whore

Bruno the Fighting master, played by Jean Claude Van Damme, a fighter who's ability and Pokemon are past his prime, but they don't realize it.

Agatha Oak, the ghost master and the Prof's ex-wife, who seems to be unusually morbid played  by Ellen Burtsyn

And Lance Blackthorn, the mysterious badass dragon master, played by Bradley Cooper.

After the cameras stop rolling, we see the true personalities of the elite four members: Bruno and Lorelei are douches, but Agatha is a nice lady, who is a mentor to the restless Lance. Lance wants to go out and be a vigilante Pokemon trainer and take out bad guys with his Pokemon. Bad guys like Team Rocket, an organized crime group using Pokemon as weapons. But alas, Lance is stuck posing for photos with the other "masters". Good thing Taylor and Mark are adventuring...

Ash leaves his dead end town to go forth on his League Challenge, electrocuting small animals with his Pikachu. Pikachu doesn't speak English, but Ash stays up all night talking to it. I know, what a fucking weirdo. He catches a Caterpie and a Pidgey. He feels good about himself. Soon they evolve into Pidgeot and Butterfree. He feels better about himself.

He fights his first gym leader Brock in Pewter City, played by Wilmer Valderrama.

Brock is a tool, he is cut down easily. Who died and made this bitch a gym leader?

Next he fights the Tomboy water leader in Cerulean City, Misty, played by Alison Pil.

She has a Vaporeon and shit, but Sean Astin-chu electrocutes all.

He tries to go to Saphron City, but there is beaten up by team rocket members. He goes around to Vermillion City, to fight Lt. Surge, played by Steven Lang.

Surge has a Raichu that he used as a melee weapon in 'Nam. Pikachu and Raichu fight. Pikachu wins. Ash must then pass through a rock tunnel to get to Lavender Town. In the tunnel, he finds a Charmander; now, we mean business.
He finds Gary in Lavender Town, who is also has 3 badges, but is taking a break to bang cougars. They fight to a draw before they see a van full of Team Rocket goons getting on the highway toward Celadon City. They decide to follow it in Gary's sportscar. Yes, major plot point, Ash is on foot/ riding the bus, Gary has a Camaro, as well as Tigerblood. Gary is WINNING.
The car goes to Celadon, which is the Vegas of Kanto. Ash follows them into the Casino, Gary leaves to fight the gym leader. Ash uncovers team Rocket's lair, fights their boss, Giovanni, played by John Ventimiglia.

They abandon their Celadon base in disgust. Ash fights the grass leader Erika, played by Miyuu Sawai, most famous for starring in Japan's live action Sailor Moon.

I feel after you're Sailor Moon on tv in a terrible wig, a supporting role in Pokemon is the next step up. Or, you know, anything is a step up...

Ash wants to go to Fuchsia City but a Snorlax is in the way. Charmeleon kicks Snorlax's ass, Ash has a Snorlax. In Fuchsia, he fights poison leader Koga in a badass ninja hall. Koga is played by Japan's biggest star, Tadanobu Asano, seen here in a scene from Thor.

                                                   Japanese Vikings FTW
So now Ash fights his way into Saffron City with the brute force of Pikachu, Charmeleon, Pidgeot, Butterfree, and especially Snorlax, who crushes bitches with his raw power and girth. Team Rocket is in the midst of a hostile takeover of Silph Inc., Pokemon goods manufacturing giants. He enters the city to see Gary and the Saffron gym leader, Sabrina, played by Ellen Wong, waging a guerrilla-Pokemon-war against team Rocket in the streets.

They decide to all three of them storm the corporate office of Silph. As they near the CEO's building, Gary won't let Ash take the credit, so Ash and Gary showdown to see who has the right to save the CEO. Ash wins. Sabrina is impressed. Giovanni has the CEO hostage, Ash fights Giovanni and wins again. Outside, Sabrina gives Ash and Gary badges. Gary tells Ash the 7th badge in on Cinnabar Island far southwest. Gary, though, has the money to buy a plane ticket. Ash is rich in spirit and has a Charmeleon he uses as a campfire, but that wont buy him a ticket. Gary tells Ash that he'll smell ya later. The CEO gives him his prized Lapras as a reward; Ash rides the Lapras' back across the water to Cinnabar.

On Cinnabar, Ash must show down against the fire leader, Blaine, played by Gary Oldman.

Lapras and Charizard are doing well against Blaine until -holy shit, he has a Moltres! It's Ash's nightmare-stalking fire-breathing-dragon vs. Blaine's mighty phoenix. Ash wins, goes back home to Pallet, where Oak tells him the eighth gym leader is Giovanni
...and Gary just pnwd him.
Ash goes to Vermilion City to fight Giovanni. And he beats Giovanni, but... Giovanni has one last Pokemon left, the one he used his funding from the casino to research, the one he needed state of the art tech from Silph to control, the genetic abomination known as Mewtwo! But in the midst of the Mewtwo/Charizard throwdown, Mewtwo breaks his restraints and uses his telekinesis to give Giovanni a slow painful death. Ash takes a badges and moves on to the elite four.

Ash kicks the elite four's asses: the slut (has an ice-bird Articuno), the jock (has a four armed Machamp) and the old lady (has a shit-ton of Genagrs). Last, Lance is waiting for him. He has been following Ash's exploits, and is envious of the vigilante life ash lives. Lance fights Ash with Dragonair, Aerodactyl, Zapdos, and Dragonite. Ash beats a slew of awe-inspiring-cockfighting-monsters and inspires Lance, but it isn't his last test. He must now defeat the newly crowned world Pokemon champion:
GARY FUCKING OAK.


GARY                                        ASH
Arcanine                                     Snorlax
Dodrio                                        Butterfree
Gyarados                                    Pigeot
Rhydon                                       Lapras
Alakazam                                   Charizard
Jolteon                                       Pikachu


It all comes down to Pikchu vs Jolteon. Pikachu wins, Oak and Lance parade Ash through the streets.
THE FUCKING END!

I Have Never Felt Like a Plastic Bag, However...

It is unlikely that Lady Gaga was born this way.

Meaning she was not born a succubus and/or a 24 year old.

She was more or less born that way.

And she has a song called Born this Way. And it's important, as well as being the quintessential Lady Gaga song. Basically, the song is her life story/ undying struggle for justice. And it's exactly the song we needed.

"It doesn't matter if you love him, or capital HIM", Lady Ga says. If you didn't know, Ga was born Stefani Germanotta (its pronounced like Stephanie, even though you want to pronounce it like Gwen). Meaning, she is Italian as shit. Meaning, two things:

a) she is Catholic

2) She is prone to get all up in your face for no reason.

The song begins such

"My mama told me when I was young

We are all born superstars

She rolled my hair and put my lipstick on

In the glass of her boudoir

"There's nothin' wrong with lovin' who you are"

She said, "'Cause He made you perfect, babe"

"So hold your head up, girl and you you'll go far,

Listen to me when I say"

I'm beautiful in my way,

'Cause God makes no mistakes

I'm on the right track, baby

I was born this way"

Simultaneously, she has taken a stand for God, taken a stand against all those who love to hate people who are different, and started a song with "My mama told me", which to me invokes Ray Charles' "Hard Times".

ahem http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eFaUmhgJtBU

Immediately, she is confrontational yet loving, ie, Italian.

Lady G proceeds:

Don't be a drag, just be a queen

Don't be a drag, just be a queen

Don't be a drag, just be a queen

...which is the most triumphantly gay refrain in popular music since "It's Raining Men". 

“A different lover is not a sin
Believe capital HIM”

Preach, LG. Even if are you gay, its no problem, God loves you; you're his creation. Lady Gaga’s ethos can be summed up as the 3Gs of Gaga: God, Gays, and glory. As much as she is a Gay icon, she is still a glorious exhibitionist and a cradle Catholic. The fact that she states all of this, means she is about to piss people off. But, then again, she’s Italian. That's my girl.

 "Don't be a drag, just be a queen
Whether you're broke or evergreen
You're black, white, beige, chola descent
You're lebanese, you're orient
Whether life's disabilities
Left you outcast, bullied, or teased
Rejoice and love yourself today
'cause baby you were born this way"

OK, so let's get the flaws from this passage out of the way right now. It scans funny, but then again, so does "I put the pussy in a sarcophagus", so whatever man. Also, she means to say oriental, not orient, right? 

Beside these minor flaws, it may be my favorite part. We have outcasts, born different, but cut off from society. And in their pain and uniqueness, they stand united. Hmm, does that sound like any group of beloved characters that I grew up with?

Yes, X-Men, you were born this way.

So where was I? Yes,  Lagaga, hit us with the clincher:

"No matter gay, straight, or bi,
Lesbian, transgendered life
I'm on the right track baby
I was born to survive
No matter black, white or beige
Chola or orient made
I'm on the right track baby
I was born to be brave"

 And there it is. We have been flirting with this theme for the whole song, that you are loved and special, no matter your race, sexuality, or possibly even superpowers, but she just flat out says "No matter gay, straight, or bi, Lesbian, transgendered life". Yes, we're on the verge of the first #1 hit that says "transgendered". Being an in your face Italian, Steffi Gaga is not gonna beat around the bush any longer. She has the balls to come out and say it. God loves you, this is who you are. Bam. 

Did I say she has balls? Whoops. Touchy subject; she is not a hermaphrodite. But you know what? Even if she was, it would be cool! She was born that way!

Anyway I'm fracking glad that the Lady of Ga is saying bi and transgendered in a song. Lord knows pop music has been beating around the bush for years with this sentiment, the royal Gaga finally hit the nail on the head. 

ATTEMPT ONE- "BEAUTIFUL"

So yes, there was a gay couple making out in the video. And also there was a drag queen. But she never says "drag queens and gay couples are beautiful", therefore, this song kinda gets remembered as an anthem for girls with eating disorders. Also, unlike Gaga Lady's hit, you can't dance to this song. And if I know gay men, the one thing they like most is synthy dance music. Xtina almost makes it here...but not all the way.

ATTEMPT TWO- "RAISE YOUR GLASS"

So here, Pink raises a glass to all those who are wrong in all the right ways, all her underdogs. Closer, but you haven't actually said gay yet. Props to this song for the part where she comes in early and mumbles "aw fuck" that they left on the recording.

 BUT I MUST ADRESS THE PRECHORUS, WHICH MAY BE THE WORST LYRICS IN POP HISTORY.

"Party Crasher,
Penny Snatcher,
Call me up if you want gangsta
Don't be fancy, just get dancey
Why so serious?"

What? This has nothing to do with loving the gays? Or maybe it does, because this is just is some stream of consciousness ending in a Joker quote. Other than that I can't decipher a damn meaning in this, Pink. FAIL

ATTEMPT THREE- "FIREWORK"

So yes, Katy Perry narrates the video in which the marginalized begin to feel unique. Yes, one of these involves a gay kiss. But she never says "gay" in the song. That's the fatal flaw of this song. All she does is ask me if I feel like a plastic bag. And all I can think of is "a squid eating dough in a polyethylene bag is fast and bulbous, got me?"

ahem again   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IkWXz_X8-rs 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QjOvc-YJCH4

So when SteffiGermaGaga says "No matter gay, straight, or bi, lesbian, transgendered life, I'm on the right track baby, I was born to survive", this is a major moment in pop music. Pop music is no longer afraid to adress who they were singing to the whole time. And you know why? Becuase, thanks to that wonderful freak, we realized, we were all Born this Way.