Readers Choice Pt. 2- Kissed by Fire

It's reader's choice week for my blog. Ginger Agby gets the second entry, as her tweet was simply "REDHEADS". Nate Loyer gave her an up vote.

As a shameless plug for both of them, this is Mind Fish's new video for "Can't Control at All", starring Ginger


   

And for Nathan, here's a video of a baby sloth.





Redheads. I am, a big fan of redheads. Ginger is, of course, a redhead, and she is one of my best friends. She knows that I am dating a beautiful redhead named Kelsey, so coming up with good things to say about redheads won't be hard at all. I think the easiest way is to list my favorite redheads, some real, some fictional, some historical, and to give everyone a glimpse of my favorite kind of woman.

Kelsey and Ginger, the aforementioned redheads in my life get the top two spots, of course. Here are my other 5 favorite redheads.


-Boudica

Boudica is history's greatest feisty redhead. She was the Queen of the Iceni tribe of Ancient Britain. When her husband died, Prasutagus, a minor ally to Rome in the British Isles, he left in his will that his tribe would always be an ally to Rome, and that no harm should ever come to his family. But the Roman Emperor was Nero, and Nero didn't ever listen. So after Prasutagus, died, the Romans came into Iceni territory, and they turned on the villagers and raped Boudica's daughters.

This didn't go over well with our redheaded queen.

Years later the Romans were campaigning in Wales. And Boudica ambushed them.

She didn't even just ambush the Romans, she fucking murdered them. She hung every Roman that she could get her hands on! This is one redhead vs the most powerful nation on the planet, and she just razed the hell out of them in a fiery rage. She burned down their camps in Camulodunum, then headed right for Londinium. The army had to pull out before she got there, yet she torched the city to the ground. This is Londinium we're talking about, aka London. This is a redhead burning London. She rode to Verulamium and razed a third city.

Combined, her glorious act of revenge killed some 80,000 Romans. They came back with the whole army to catch Boudica; she waited till they were close and then killed herself in front of them. They brought the whole army across the ocean, officially for nothing. The Queen's ghost most definitely laughed.

The Queen of the Iceni became a symbol of British national pride ever since. Boudica as the word itself is Welsh for victory; when Queen Victoria ascended to the throne and ushered in the greatest age of Brittania, you know everyone made that connection.

Christina Hendricks/Joan Holloway

I am aware that Christina Hendricks acted before Mad Men. But she changed the world while on Mad Men.

Yes changed the world. You are looking at a redhead, yes, but more importantly, an incredible curvy woman. And just as Jon Hamm made suits sexy again, Christina made hips sexy again.

Joan is the epitome of the axiom "women want to be her, men want to be with her". Christina exudes more power by just frigging walking than most actresses can by yelling. Excuse the embedding disabled by request: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OR0w37yQ4MI

Do you remember how we used to be? Remember what we thought a powerful working woman looked like?

WHERE DID YOUR LEGS GO, CALLISTA?!?!?

And what does real feminine power look like post Mad Men? It looks like hips and red hair; the best combo ever by the way...

and of course, no blog about Joan would be complete without the obligatory shot of her putting on lipstick as the guys watch behind the two way mirror:

Thank you Christina.

Ygritte

This is a huge designation: I am most attached to Ygritte than any other character in the Game of Thrones/ Song of Ice and Fire universe. She's not just a redhead, her tribe calls her "Kissed by Fire".

I'll start writing about the stuff thats been on the TV show already, but then be aware, it's spoiler time.

Jon Snow and the Night's Watch are trying to track down Mance Rayder's army, far north of the wall. Jon kidnaps a scout, and discovers that she is a beautiful redhead; he tries to execute her but realizes he can't. The show gives the Ygritte-iest scene ever after he's stuck with his new fire-kissed prisoner.




Ygritte lolz at your erection, Jon Snow.

SPOILERS BEGIN NOW!!! Highlight the text to read, if you don't fear being spoiled the details of seasons 3&4/ read the books.

Jon goes on an undercover mission to infiltrate Mance's camp. Upon meeting Mance, Jon is told that wedding customs North of the Wall involve capturing and tying up your wife and bringing them out to middle of nowhere to have sex with them; if the woman doesn't kill you in the process, she likes you. Now, the whole tribe is wondering when Jon and Ygritte will consummate their marriage. "You know nothing, Jon Snow", Ygritte quips at him (catchphrase!). Ygritte turns on the redheaded fire and, well, here's a picture of their first night under the nuptial furs: http://30.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lkfxlm7w3F1qh0oqco1_500.jpg


Their fiery love is the backdrop for the megalomaniacal machinations of Mance. In everyone's favorite scene, they sneak off into a cave, where Jon kisses her like a southern lord. "The Lord's Kiss": officially literature's greatest euphemism for cunnilingus.


This is the most intense and passionate sex scene in the books, and these are the Game of Thrones books we're talking about; everyone is always boning.


As they're lying entwined in post, Ygritte soothes Jon with the maybe the greatest line since Carpe Diem:


“You’re mine,” she whispered. “Mine, as I’m yours. And if we die, we die. All men must die, Jon Snow. But first we’ll live.”


Jon abandons Mance Rayder to Ygritte's utter confusion. When Mance attacks the wall, Jon holds the fort like a champ. Yet in the aftermath of battle, he finds Ygritte with an arrow in her chest.


He tells her everything will be alright.
She replies, "You know nothing, Jon Snow." and dies in his arms.


And I put down the book and cry.


Ygritte is some sort of wise sex machine. Her run in the books is brief, but she leaves her brand upon your soul. Just the way I like my redheads.

END SPOILERS. READ THE BOOKS SO I DON'T HAVE TO KEEP DOING THIS:

SERIOUSLY, HERE IT IS: IT'S LESS THAN 10 BUCKS BEFORE SHIPPING!

Hayley Williams

I really shouldn't have immeadealty become smitten with Hayley Williams, seeing as the first time I glimpsed Paramore she was singing a poppy emo song about high school






But oh my god, the hair, the smile, the voice! She's belting on pop radio? Like, real high notes!



The more I listened to the great red hope, I realized she could really sing


Somewhere along the line they made an extremely lucrative if not clairvoyant career decision to write the theme song to some movie about a teenage Vampire




Emo had gotten to this ridiculous point where it was assumed that you had to be a complete soulless sellout to ever get on the radio, and yes, history may remember Paramore as yet another record label project- but this doesn't take any credit away from the pipes on Hayley. Now, she went the safe way on the second album and out out a slow-dance ballad. This eventually became their greatest hit, and it was really about being a vehicle for Hayley's voice.



I really think this song highlights her Nashville roots. I can totally imagine "The Only Exception" being a Dolly Parton song. Which leads me to my LEAST favorite redhead of all time: Jolene from the Dolly Parton song "Jolene"; Auburn hair or not, she's kind of a bitch...

Since then Paramore is quasi-broken up, Hayley is becoming famous for airplanes in the night sky being shooting stars, but I'd like to think she is legendary for

1) managing to be in a video with every shade of red under the umbrella term of redhead
2) belting the shit out of songs




Jean Grey

My obsession with redheads can of course be traced back to Jean Grey.

Anyone who knows Jean Grey knows that at any given time, half of the X-Men are in love with her.

This is pop culture's greatest love triangle; admittedly the inspiration for this:

And she'd never admit it, but it's the inspiration for this:

I feel so pathetic just even posting that...That's my second twilight reference this blog; I'd apologize, but I feel Stephanie Meyer ought to first...

Anyway, Jean Grey is the object of every's nerd desires, not just because she's Wolverine's desire, not just because she's a pretty face (I am looking at you, Bella Swan. Worst. Protagonist. Ever.), but because she is the ultimate embodiment of power and grace.

Chris Claremont, the guy that worst most of the X-Men stories you would recognize, can remember his first day writing the the X-Men comics. They had rebooted X-Men, which had never really been a hit, with an entirely new team f brand new characters, and current editor in chief of Marvel comics wrote the first two comics.

but then the powers at be Marvel kinda just said "this'll never be a hit, let's give it to the new guy". Claremont saw potential for all the characters, the little blue demon with a heart of gold, the man with metal skin but a gentle spirit, the guy with fucking claws in his hands, but then he wanted to see which old charters he could bring back. It was then he saw a drawing of Jean Grey.

and maybe Chris shared my fondness for redheads, but then he said to himself, I must write for this character.

He didn't even beat around the bush, he just went straight to making her a goddess

All the other redheads here are fiery- Jean Grey as Phoenix is fire.

She's in no way a damsel in distress; she is the strongest super hero on the team,

Jean became the focal point of the greatest story arc ever in comic books- the Dark Phoenix Saga: Jean gets manipulated by the bad guys, her goddess power goes unchecked, she becomes a destroyer of worlds.

She comes to her senses and she is put on trial by the alien Shi'ar empire. It's there she makes a hard choice for the good of humanity.

JEEEEEAAAAAN!

But she a Phoenix, so she will rise. and she does, and live happily ever after with Angel/Edward/Cyclops

...until blah blah blah, I'll skip the details, she has to die to become Phoenix to stop Magneto, and Wolverine (Jacob/Spike) has claws in his hands

Jean dies. A lot. But thats not the appeal of Jean. Jean Grey, as I believe all redheads secretly are, is a sleeping goddess, waiting for the moment to unleash her noble fire upon evil. She lived her whole life/lives, knowing that she had the potential inside her to be the strongest being on the planet, but she just goes for most of the time as a beautiful, intelligent woman.

Redheads get this weird rap for being these fiery haired succubi

like so

And comics get this rap for being sex obsessed as well

ugh, like so. But when any X-Men fan thinks comic book sex scene, I think most of us think of a beautiful and romantic moment between Cyclops and Jean on top of a cliff

Not dirty at all, just passionate; like redheads themselves.












BONUS- My favorite Jean Grey cover

and, the action figures that reside on my shelf in my room

 Posting this picture was just as obligatory as the picture of Joan's butt was...

Readers Choice Pt. 1: Lessons from Beyond the Classroom

Recently I  have been in a mood to blog, but at a loss for words about what to blog about. I told twitter to give me ideas for my next blogs; for the next few entries, I will be answering your requests in blog form.

The first entry come from Dave "Papa Bear" Heyburn, a man who once challenged me to a drinking contest (this is how it ended). He requested: "blog about what you learned NOT being in school."

It is a matter of public record that I took this year off. This fall, I will begin studying for my masters degree in folklore and ethnomusicology at Indiana University. This past year has taught me endless amounts of information about life, people, and the moronic minutia that I so readily devour. I have narrowed it down to 23 points. Watch me attempt to be deep.

1- You know the Sam Cooke song "Twisting the Night Away"?



 At 0:55, I always thought he was saying "he's dancing with the chicken slacks". I learned "he's dancing with the Chick in slacks".

2- After working at Men's Wearhouse for a year, I have a wonderfully bold eye for color. I know what colors work well together easily, like orange and light blue, what go together more boldly, like green and gray, and what go together absolutely daringly. Off-white and charcoal. Trust me on this.

3- I have made to the end of the third season of Battlestar Galactica, and I have realized that the final Cylon: Bob Dylan. That's why they can hear "All Along the Watchtower", I think...

4- People in Kentucky say "mamaw" instead of "grandma". The first time you hear it, you assume it's just the thing this one family calls grandma. But keep an ear open for it; the whole state does this.

5-A Lannister always pays his debts.

6- Taupe comes from the Latin word talpa, meaning mole. You think I would have learned this my days as a Classics major, but nay.

7-  When you're 18, your hometown sucks. But when you're 23, you will love your hometown; it will be the one constant in your life. These sentiments are amplified if you left town for college.
8- Your professors (at least the good ones) care about you after you've graduated.

9- Undergrad is important. You can certainly tell people who never went to college: they have bad grammar because they never had to take English 102, they get flustered easily because they never had to cram a paper the week before exams, and their generally more intolerable to different people because they never got that wonderful experience of being crammed into a dorm with strangers from every religion, ethnicity, orientation, and walk of life.

10- Someone out there has the same interests as you, but you'll never know if you don't speak up. As a November chill crept through the store, I exclaimed, "Winter is Coming". I got a laugh out of Rob the suit guy, which eventually lead to him being Rob my best work friend.

11- I know I wrote a whole blog about this in February, but books, man. Books are still the best escapism; nothing else feeds your head quite like having to construct a world in your mind's eye.

12- Working. Weekends. Sucks.

13- The only person you need to compare yourself to is the person you see yourself becoming.

14- The people that you really want to be around are the same people who want to be around you.

15- I love Men's Wearhouse, but I couldn't make a career of it. The Christmas party was legendary and the discount on dress clothes is fucking amazing, but none of that is worth waiting on high schoolers for 3 months out of the year.

16- Letting your guard down is a terrifying process, but nonetheless the most rewarding part of getting to know yourself.

17- The only thing "going with the flow" is guaranteed to do is make people want to be around you more, even when you're stressed.

18- I know they say this about 3:23 into the damn Sunscreen song that they play at every graduation, but no one will ever be there for you like your siblings. Cherish them.

19- A gentleman knows exactly when to give space, but more importantly knows precisely when and how to fight for someone.

20- You know that emotion you're feeling right now? Don't fret; somewhere in the catalogue of modern popular music, a songwriter who felt it too at some point wrote a song about it to help you express yourself.

21- Stop finding reasons not to try new things. It could be that your absolutely amazing at something you've never tried yet and maybe you just needed the right person around you to help you discover it.

22- After college, don't feel like you must have life planned out. I've seen firsthand thats it's cool to wait until you really find what you want to do. But the minute you find it, start working for it, and don't lose momentum.

23- I have been a witness to an old poetic axiom this year: The best-laid schemes o' mice an' men/ gang aft agley. Random things happen; nothing you plan goes the way you planned it. Maybe you'll get a sinus infection on your day off, maybe you'll get sold out of the 9:40 showing, maybe you'll get pregnant with your ex-husband. No matter what happens to you, you keep going. You make new plans. And when they go awry, you adapt and keep going. That's the human spirit. That's what it means to be human.

Sex, Lies, and Letter People

If you have been an American human child since the 70s, you have probably learned letters and sounds with the letter people.

But deep in the bowels of this noble children's enterprise lies a dark and secret letter people society.

Things that are known about the letter people:

1- They live in Letter People Land. It apparently has something to do with dogs and balloons.






2- All consonants are boys, and all vowels are girls. Realistically, this would cause two major problems: firstly, evolutionarily, this would put you in a insect like position for breeding and mating, with the girls being like five Queen Bees. Twenty one guys trying to screw five girls would cause major infighting between the male consonants. Actually, there is a letter people precedent for this kind of backstabbing, Cotton Candy C and Kicking K got in a Hatfields and McCoys brawl.

And before you say anything, yes, the letter people reproduce. I think.

You see, it was a tradition at my grade school every year to have a letter people wedding, where two corresponding letters would be wed. Basically, the kids dressed up like the letter people/ a bride and groom and had a little ceremony.
I was Mr D and I wed Ms. E. I can't remember what that girl's name was (Highland kids reading this, help me out here) who played Ms. E. She was like French or Belgian or something. And then she moved. That would probably be the give away. Well whatever.

AND NO. There will not be embarrassing pictures of young me getting married on the internet. Just as there will never be pics of little me on facebook. My mother has ruined baby pictures for me. Every time you walk into her house, you will see, prominently displayed, every baby picture of every human she has ever met. Including young, fat lisping, me. So yeah, the concept of friendly sharing baby pics has been blown wide open for me.
Conversation I have with anyone who comes to my mom's:
"baby pictures are so cute, can I see all of yours at once?"
" POORLY TRANSLATED DO NOT WANT!!!"

Anyway, the letter people are indeed breeding; marriage (however non cannon it is) would imply pair bonding and mating. How else do you explain the pimp of all pimps Mr. V?
Embedding disabled by request!!!

And of course, as the theme song states, the letter people are a family (there should have been a point three somewhere). So yes, their humping leads to inbreeding. And inbreeding results in Mr X

His song (again, the gods of embedding are laughing at this blog) sounds like the nightmares I have when I fall asleep listening to krautrock



And finally (4) what's up with Mr. Y? He's a boy, but sometimes he's a vowel...

at first, I pictured Mr. Y as a kindly old transsexual 

But if you watch that clip, he's really just bored, which drives him to go bi...

Oh come on, Dom, that Bowie and Jagger being bi thing is an urban legend.

ok, hard evidence.

OTHER LETTER STAND OUTS
Ms. A
And apparently A is for Allergy pride parade


Mr. Q
The Quiet one. You always gotta look out for the quiet ones...



Mr H
And H is for Hungarian Immigrant. Just listen to that music.

Mr T

I'm kinda surprised that the Letter People never sued Mr T in the 80s. But I can see why. There's no reason to add insult to injury for a guy who so rapidly went from rad as balls...


...to this



And of course, My Most favorite, who's song, which I can still sing all the words to, is probably the genesis of my love for Jesus Christ Superstar, Mr M




FUCK YEAH WE'RE EMBEDDING!

(But seriously, that song is What's the Buzz from JCS)


This album cover will look familiar to anyone who has seen me shirtless.

But the best thing I've discovered in my Letter People quest is this, from the Wikipedia page:

"The Letter People consists of 60 episodes. In each 15-minute installment, the Letter People (relatively primitive puppets) undertake various adventures in Letter People Land, a dark, featureless place populated by strange people and creatures. Episodes usually focus on introducing new Letter People or new sounds formed by combining two Letter People together (such as /CH/ or /OU/). Other episodes take the Letter People to more exotic (though still featureless) locales such as outer space (eventually, the show would include more standard scenery, like cityscapes, meadows, Miss O's opera house, etc), while a few highlight the characters' conflicts over various sounds (such as Mr. C fighting Mr. K and Mr. S for his sound)."

Yes that's right. someone out there is so obsessed with the Letter People that they went out of their way to make sure that the Wikipedia page reflects how shitty the show's 70s PBS budget was...

Real Madness

This week March Madness begins! I figured that I ought to post my bracket here on my blog.

That just doing that isn't my style. So, to accentuate the Madness in March, here are my true March Madness pics- a lock for winning the office pool, wooing that secret crush, or killing Adrien Brody with your mind for paralyzing your grandmother.

SOUTH BRACKET
1 Kentucky Feral Beasts vs 16 Doesn't Matters
    - Feral Beasts all the way here
8 Iowa State Acts of God vs 9 UConn Rapid Dogs
     - The dogs looked good for awhile, but they can't beat a force of nature that can void insurance
12 Wichita St. Torturers vs VCU Swag
      - Swag doesn't automatically make you 3 point shots like it did last year. Also the Torturers are a well conditioned group of lost souls
4 Indiana Polite Christian Neighbors vs 13 New Mexico State Blood Cretins
      -It'll take a mighty beast to take down the Blood Cretins this year
3 Baylor Vomits vs 14 South Dakota St. Exiled Prophets
     - Their new jerseys look like puke, but Baylor's never looked better
 6 UNLV Prostitute Buyers vs Colorado Charging Wooly Beasts
     -Buying a 'tute for a night actually makes you better at making foul shots
7 Notre Dame Fake Catholics vs Xavier School for Girls Who have Fornicated With Tu Holloway
    -But seriously, I know people who did...
2 Duke Azure Satans vs Lehigh Leigh-Js
    - Not even a Leigh-J can stop the wrath of a Blue Devil

WEST BRACKET
1 Michigan State SPARTAAAAAA vs LIU-Brooklyn Hipsters
     -March Madness? THIS IS NOT FUNNY ANYMORE!
8 Memphis Jazz Cats vs 9 St Louis ?s
      - I want SLU to win because they're mascot is a EWW WHAT IS THAT?
5 New Mexico Meth Addicts vs 12 Long Beach Snoop Doggs
     - Ain't nuttin but a g thangg
4 Lousiville vs 13 Davidson Liberal Arts Wildcats
     -Like a more douchey Kentucky
6 Murrary State Racists vs 11 Colorado St. Colons
      - The racists have only one loss this year
3 Marquette Birds of Prey vs Iona Gentle Breezes
       - Eagles soar off of your pathetic mascot
7 Florida Tebows vs Virginia Confederate Soldiers
       - Tim Tebow went there!
2 Missouri Feral Beasts 2 vs 15 Norfolk State Antiquaited Clothings
     -Like the Kentucky Feral beasts, but with a better draw!

EAST BRACKET

1 Syracuse Orange Colored Men vs 16 UNC Ashville Blood Motley
     -Do they have jaundice?
8 Kansas St Blood Beasts vs Southern Mississippi Partially Lion Devoured Colosseum Fodder
    -I always pick bloodthirsty beasts
5 Vanderbilt SAT Quantitative vs 12 Harvard SAT Verbal
    -Better Engineering jobs out there
4 Wisconsin BadgerBadgerBadgers vs 13 Montana Blood Traitors
    -Blood traitors outlast the Bloodlust bloodsluts
6 Cincinnati Yancy Gates vs 11 Texas Neutered Bulls
    -Yancy: PUNCH. No seriously, he's a nice boy, they look some good these days.
3 Florida St Racist Terms vs St Bonaventure Papists
    - Seminole isn't a real tribe, but they make threes
7 Gonzaga March Madness Equivalent of the US World Cup Team vs 10 WVU Sister Fornicators
     -Looks like you're gonna do it every year, Zaga/US Mens, but you never do.
2 Ohio St Sentient Plants vs Loyola Homelessmen
     - Sentient plants are our only hope vs zombies...

MIDWEST BRACKET
1 North Carolina Racist Term for Poor Black Children vs 16 Lamar Snowboards
     -Seriously, isn't that what Tar Heel means?
8 Creighton Fightin' Penises vs 9 Alabama Euphemism for Menstration
     - The Penises have been tearing it up in the genital league all yar
5 Temple BILL vs 12 California Idols
4 Michigan Mutants vs 13 OU COSBY
    - If Temple plays OU, then maybe Billy Cosby will have an excuse to do this again:



6 San Diego State Disgraced Peoples vs 11 NC State Direwolves
     -I couldn't go a whole post without mentioning Game of Thrones
3 Georgetown Classics Students vs 14 Belmont Death Bears
     - I can't pick the Golden Bears against Temple, because I really need that Cosby rematch, so I'm picking these bears here.
7 St Marys Apostate Deniers vs 10 Purdue Fightin' Trains
     -I'm not picking Notre Dame, I'm picking St. Marys.
2 Kansas Bleeding Ruffians vs 15 Detroit Unemployed Fat Men
    - The Jayhawkers will senselessly massacre their opponents like they did in the civil war.

And in case you need to know, this is the rest of my bracket:

Family Ties

Theon Greyjoy is one of the better characters in the Song of Ice and Fire (Game of Thrones) books. He's sort of a background character for the first book, but by the second book (season 2 4/1/12) he gets fleshed out rather wonderfully.

The dude's got some real daddy issues. His dad was a prick and decided to lead a rebellion, which got utterly crushed. As a result, Theon, the only surviving Greyjoy son, was sent to be Ned Stark's ward. And Ned Stark is the world's greatest Dad. So Theon gets to a weird point where he can finally go home, his dream for years, but he likes his other family better. Real classic Daddy issues abound.

And speaking of family, I came to a weird realization. Theon is played by Alfie Allen.
Alfie.
...Allen.

No. It can't be, I gasp, as I type in "Alfie Allen" to my iTunes.



Oh shit. Theon Greyjoy is Lily Allen's slacker little brother Alfie. Like the song.

Since Lily's classic pop/dance/ska/n/a/seriouslytho/it'ssogood album "Alright, Still" came out in like 2006 or something, I have been familiar with the concept of her pothead, slacking, chronic masturbating brother Alfie.

But now, I can only imagine the puppet from the video having sex with a medieval prostitute.

NSFW- WINTER IS COMING
 Seriously, I warned you

So for anyone who has read Clash of Kings, back me up on this, are you also picturing Asha Greyjoy being played by Lily Allen?

I could maybe see that

X-Friends Issue 3

On On Fantasy

I was having a bad day yesterday. But suddenly, my day turned around. HBO posted this picture on the internet.

For those of you that don't immediately recognize these people, this is a still of Stannis Baratheon and Melisandre the Red Woman, my two favorite characters from George R.R. Martin's Song of Ice and Fire books. I was overjoyed. There they were, human actors bringing two of my favorite fantasy constructs to life. Yesterday was a good day; I escaped to escapism. That night I beat story mode in Soul Calibur 5 and read X-Men comics.

Sci-Fi and Fantasy exist for bad days. If the real world isn't cutting it, who says you can't go to Westeros or the Xavier Mansion? I remember being eleven and twelve; I was an awkward child who was overweight and lisped. Where did I go to get away from it all? Redwall Abbey.

As a preteen, I knew the halls of Redwall Abbey and the woods of Mossflower as well as I knew my own neighborhood. I could draw the map like a self portrait, I could recite all the Redwallers in order to wield the sword of Martin the Warrior, I could speak in the quasi-Scottish Molespeak. This level of escaping into my favorite fantasy worlds continued as I aged: I know far too much about Fire Emblem, and in the words of Alex Brennan I "know more about Magneto's family tree than [my] own".

Then in 2011 while I was studying Latin in the CCM Library, I looked at Twitter's trending topics and began to cry. It read: RIP Brian Jacques.

I never once met the author of Redwall. I've barely even heard him speak. But it moved me when he died. He wrote stories about mice and squirrels who live in castles. And I lived there. I spent my childhood by the creek with Dean and our friend Sam pretending it was Mossflower Woods. He wrote words that lived within his imagination, but it became a part of mine. It was a part of my life. It was my solace. It was my home.

I still run head first into fantasy, and on days when I don't, I seem to be dragged in head first. My aunt once showed me a musing once that summed it up. By who?

Who else, George R. R. Martin.




   "The best fantasy is written in the language of dreams. It is alive as dreams are alive, more real than real ... for a moment at least ... that long magic moment before we wake.

     Fantasy is silver and scarlet, indigo and azure, obsidian veined with gold and lapis lazuli. Reality is plywood and plastic, done up in mud brown and olive drab. Fantasy tastes of habaneros and honey, cinnamon and cloves, rare red meat and wines as sweet as summer. Reality is beans and tofu, and ashes at the end. Reality is the strip malls of Burbank, the smokestacks of Cleveland, a parking garage in Newark. Fantasy is the towers of Minas Tirith, the ancient stones of Gormenghast, the halls of Camelot. Fantasy flies on the wings of Icarus, reality on Southwest Airlines. Why do our dreams become so much smaller when they finally come true?

     We read fantasy to find the colors again, I think. To taste strong spices and hear the songs the sirens sang. There is something old and true in fantasy that speaks to something deep within us, to the child who dreamt that one day he would hunt the forests of the night, and feast beneath the hollow hills, and find a love to last forever somewhere south of Oz and north of Shangri-La.

     They can keep their heaven. When I die, I'd sooner go to middle Earth."