On On Fantasy

I was having a bad day yesterday. But suddenly, my day turned around. HBO posted this picture on the internet.

For those of you that don't immediately recognize these people, this is a still of Stannis Baratheon and Melisandre the Red Woman, my two favorite characters from George R.R. Martin's Song of Ice and Fire books. I was overjoyed. There they were, human actors bringing two of my favorite fantasy constructs to life. Yesterday was a good day; I escaped to escapism. That night I beat story mode in Soul Calibur 5 and read X-Men comics.

Sci-Fi and Fantasy exist for bad days. If the real world isn't cutting it, who says you can't go to Westeros or the Xavier Mansion? I remember being eleven and twelve; I was an awkward child who was overweight and lisped. Where did I go to get away from it all? Redwall Abbey.

As a preteen, I knew the halls of Redwall Abbey and the woods of Mossflower as well as I knew my own neighborhood. I could draw the map like a self portrait, I could recite all the Redwallers in order to wield the sword of Martin the Warrior, I could speak in the quasi-Scottish Molespeak. This level of escaping into my favorite fantasy worlds continued as I aged: I know far too much about Fire Emblem, and in the words of Alex Brennan I "know more about Magneto's family tree than [my] own".

Then in 2011 while I was studying Latin in the CCM Library, I looked at Twitter's trending topics and began to cry. It read: RIP Brian Jacques.

I never once met the author of Redwall. I've barely even heard him speak. But it moved me when he died. He wrote stories about mice and squirrels who live in castles. And I lived there. I spent my childhood by the creek with Dean and our friend Sam pretending it was Mossflower Woods. He wrote words that lived within his imagination, but it became a part of mine. It was a part of my life. It was my solace. It was my home.

I still run head first into fantasy, and on days when I don't, I seem to be dragged in head first. My aunt once showed me a musing once that summed it up. By who?

Who else, George R. R. Martin.




   "The best fantasy is written in the language of dreams. It is alive as dreams are alive, more real than real ... for a moment at least ... that long magic moment before we wake.

     Fantasy is silver and scarlet, indigo and azure, obsidian veined with gold and lapis lazuli. Reality is plywood and plastic, done up in mud brown and olive drab. Fantasy tastes of habaneros and honey, cinnamon and cloves, rare red meat and wines as sweet as summer. Reality is beans and tofu, and ashes at the end. Reality is the strip malls of Burbank, the smokestacks of Cleveland, a parking garage in Newark. Fantasy is the towers of Minas Tirith, the ancient stones of Gormenghast, the halls of Camelot. Fantasy flies on the wings of Icarus, reality on Southwest Airlines. Why do our dreams become so much smaller when they finally come true?

     We read fantasy to find the colors again, I think. To taste strong spices and hear the songs the sirens sang. There is something old and true in fantasy that speaks to something deep within us, to the child who dreamt that one day he would hunt the forests of the night, and feast beneath the hollow hills, and find a love to last forever somewhere south of Oz and north of Shangri-La.

     They can keep their heaven. When I die, I'd sooner go to middle Earth."

Songs I Usta Liek

I was born in 1989, my oldest brother was born in 1979. When he first got into pop music, the radio was all grunge and gangsta rap. So in a moral blitz from the sonic onslaught of Biggie Smalls and Nirvana, my mom put a ban on pop radio in the house. An overreaction, yes, but like a preacher's son to corn liquor, I eventually found pop music. It was a bit like a speakeasy; I listened to Kiss FM in the car with my older brothers, I would hang out with neighborhood friends at 4pm after school so I could watch TRL at their houses. I became adept at switching the cable from MTV on channel 3a to Nickelodeon on 3b. Do you remember when cable had A and B?
It was late 99- 2000. Does the music I first got into still hold up today? Probably not.

BARENAKED LADIES- Pinch Me



I had been vaguely aware of this band years earlier, for that "Chickety-China" song. But I never got into to before I heard this hit. Still one of the Ladies' classics, a positive yet depressing song as only BNL can do about the malaise of coming back home after after being famous. But let's not lie; they just made you say underwear. As a lonely 6th grader, I asked for this album for Christmas 2000. It was the first album I memorized word for happy sounding but actually sad word. I had found my first love, and kindred spirits.

Legacy: BNL needed a bit hit after One Week, lest they be known as that Chickety-China band. They pulled a classic pop trick and sang sad words happily and added Pet Sounds backup harmonies, with a little white boy rapping, and grew there cult fanbase with another top 10 hit.
Does it hold up?: Yes. It sounds a bit dated, with the drum loop and the chorus, but it sounds like an era of post hip-hop pop that the Ladies snuggled into. And when Ed makes you say underwear, the guitar gives a little laugh in the background. This is what good pop music is.

AEROSMITH- Jaded



Aerosmith, at the end of their run was a pop group. This song has more hooks than when Oasis goes fishing. That was the best and worst joke I have ever made. This song is huge: Joe Perry monster riffs, random Britney Spears-esque percussive gasps, swells of strings and a wonderful performance by Steven Tyler, who sings fearlessly here, crushing every high note and snarling through the middle register.

Legacy: Aerosmith's last real hit, on their worst album, and only released because the record label would drop them if they didn't. This is pop Aerosmith, and soon after this song was released, they played the Super Bowl with *NSYNC.
But does it hold up? Kinda. For how obviously tailored to be on the radio it was, everything works. You can still spend a day listening to this and not get bored. It's no Walk this Way, but thank God it's not Girls of Summer or Just Push Play or any of the really bad Aerosmith songs.

SISQO- Thong Song



I had no idea who Dru Hill were. I had no idea what dumps like a truck meant. I had no idea what a thong was. But Sisqo made me aware. I now consider myself an assman, thanks in large part to this video and the general infectiousness of shouting "THONG-THA-THONG-THONG-THONG".

Legacy: The song of the summer of '00, this never made it to #1. It did give the formulaic ballad released on its heels "Incomplete" the momentum to go to #1, but you can't even remember that song. Sisqo is regarded as a one-hit wonder for his non-number-one.
But does it hold up?: Sometimes. Put this on in your car and be ridiculed. But it on at a party and watch the madness ensue.

SMOOTH- Santana and Rob Thomas



After Ricky Martin waged war on the US charts and his compatriots followed suit, 60s guitar god Carlos Santana decided to get back onto the pop charts. He recruited then chartoppers and cut a new album. The lead off single is this monster jam with Rob Thomas from Matchbox 20, a song written to be a Santana type song. And damn it, he wrote a Santana song. And old Carlos dominated every award in 99-2000.

Legacy: What you are listening to is a beautiful thing. This is an icon going pop without sacrificing his integrity. This is the anti-sellout. This is a match burning twice. This is Santana as a pop star, while still playing his guitar the same way that got him to be a guitar hero. This is how you cross over.
Also, Smooth is the second biggest hit in the history of the Billboard 100, second to only The Twist. Bigger the Elvis, bigger than the Beatles, second only to the song that broke rock and roll to adults.
But does it hold up?: Abso-fucking-lutely. This is a master musician's most accessible song. That riff wails and makes you feel like a hot day in the sun in a Hispanic neighborhood. That outro solo is one of the best solos featured in a #1 pop record. Every other little fill is like a gasp of fresh air during a stifling night at a club. And the beat just makes you groove. It's an absolute classic.

BAHA MEN- Who Let the Dogs Out?



Who let the dogs out? Who let the dogs out? Who let the dogs out? Who let the dogs out?
THIS. SONG.WAS. EVERYWHERE. I had this cd. I admit it, I did.

Legacy: We don't know who let the dogs out. But play this at any sporting event and everyone will bark. But still, you never listened to the lyrics of the song enough to understand the narrative. And you probz don't remember how the verses and bridge sound (hint:lame). But you know the chorus. WHO LET THE DOGS OUT? Years later when Sean Paul got huge, the Baha Men saw it coming. But they saw it from home, as they never had a hit again.
But does it hold up?: Fuck No

Contrary to the character I play on my blog, I do other things than watch My Little Pony and Game of Thrones all day.

                                      You know, Rarity is the lamest. Good pick, Dosh Khaleen.

But seriously, sometime I sports. And this is my favorite sporting event of the year- The Super Bowl; which I can say on my blog without needed to buy the rights to.

About this time last year, I accurately picked the Super Bowl winner by declaring the Packers winning would make a better sports movie (starring BJ Novak)

Thus this Sunday is a matchup between the Giants and Patriots. Who's story is better? Let's look at the storylines:

#1 Eli "Abel" Manning
For Eli's whole career he has been the whimpy younger brother to Peyton "Laser-Rocket-Arm" Manning, God's gift to quarterbacks.

But let's look at the facts:
-Peyton is a stud in the regular season, but
- He's just kinda meh in the playoffs.
-Peyton's been in roughly twice as many playoff games as Eli, but they've won about the same number of games
-All but one of those Eli wins is on the road (NFL record btw)
-They've both won the same number of Super Bowls (one)
-and Eli has never lost a Super Bowl, meaning he beat the Patriots, the team that Peyton could never beat

If Eli wins this weekend, we might have a classic "younger brother gives a more perfect offering scenario". Will Eli outshine Peyton if he wins another Super Bowl. Maybe. If he wins two more, most likely. And with Peyton's career uncertain, Eli's career might be on the up and up.

#2 Tom Brady is Angry

You guys remember this, right?


Yeah so does Tom Brady. That was supposed to be an easy win. That was supposed to cap off a perfect season and move him past Bob Griese for most perfect QB, and give him his fourth Super Bowl win, putting Brady in a tie for most with Terry Bradshaw and Joe Montana. But it didn't. And Brady remembers.
So, do you think the Patriots, who so desperately wanted to beat the New York Jets in the regular season that they stole paperwork form the Democratic National Convention headquarters in the Spygate hotel (or something) are gonna hold back with a second chance to beat the Giants?

#3 Is Tim Tebow in this game?

No, because the Patriots beat him. And the Giants will avenge him. Go Tebows!

#4 The Literal Translation




umm...
If that's the case and the mascots are actually playing each other, how can the Titans ever lose?

..I heard their quarterback Kronos cut off his coach's balls just to prove a point.

2011- THE YEAR IN REVIEW

2011, you were a year. And in that year I blogged about you. From Nicki Minaj to Feeling Like a Plastic Bag, to X-Friends to Girls Love Me, it's been wild ride. Here is the list of everything I liked from the year Twenty aught Eleven, all the stuff I missed, and all the stuff we can look back on and say, "how did we let that happen?".

ALBUM OF THE YEAR
Fleet Foxes- Helplessness Blues

The problem with folk music is that folk music is our parent's music. Blowing in the Wind and If I had a Hammer and Like a Rolling Stone caused some real change in world back in the days. It was popular music; it had a message. Ever since O Brother Where Art Thou?, folk has come back to it's roots, with spirituals and old timey songs about farmers. But the time was dawning for the young people to have a folk zeitgeist moment.

Flash forward to 2011. How will this year be remembered?

Protests.

And like in the protests of old, we needed folk music.

Helplessness Blues effortlessly weaves together old timey folk songs, songs about barns (The Shrine) and the night sky (Blue Spotted Tail) with songs about hipster girls (Bedouin Dress) and the song that explains why my generation is protesting.




The lyrics say it

"I was raised up believing I was somehow unique, Like a snowflake distinct among snowflakes, unique in each way you can see. And now after some thinking, I'd say I'd rather be A functioning cog in some great machinery serving something beyond me."

After years of being told we were all unique, all we really wanted to do was be "a functioning cog in some great machinery". And when the going got tough, the great machinery called us to Facebook and Twitter, and then to the streets of Cairo, Tripoli, and New York. Fleet Foxes called it.

MOVIE OF THE YEAR
X-Men First Class

The original X-Men is a great movie. X2 is one of the smartest action movies of all time.
X-Men The Last Stand was disappointing at best.
Wolverine had me randomly yelling at the sky I was so upset.

But they were making a new one, and I felt like I was the only one who was excited. So, how were they going to make it better.
#1- Preboot. Not a reboot, because it's the same continuity, but we're gonna just start over when the old characters were young.
#2- Mad Men. Everyone loves Mad Men. Let's put it in the 60s! Let's get fucking January Jones to play Betty Draper with super powers!
#3- Get Michael Fassbender to play Magneto right before he becomes Academy Award Nominee Michael Fassbender.

The movie's a hit, and more importantly, people who hated X-Men 3 and Wolverine are talking about how they're excited for the rest of the X-Men movies.
This is X-Men 5, by the way, and now the franchise has life.

Strangely enough, this isn't the first part 5 to breathe life into a franchise this year...

Everyone complains about Hollywood making too many sequels. But apparently, you just gotta hold on through 3 and 4, because 5 will be worth it.

SONG OF THE YEAR
LMFAO- I'm Sexy and I Know It




Ever since 2008 when Lady Gaga told us to just dance, it's been four on the motherfucking floor. Every single song on the radio has had a four quarter note bass drum pattern to the point of every car with the bass turned up sounds like a gay bar in 90s Brooklyn.

No song since the advent of four on the floor radio has simultaneously tried to parody yet sincerely pay tribute to the radio sounding like a gay club better than  this song. whose refrain is simply "I work out". It's awful, it's beautiful, it's joyous, it's the reason you listen to pop music.

MUSIC VIDEO OF THE YEAR
Tyler, the Creator- Yonkers



It's in black in white. He eats a bug. He pukes. His eyes are fucked up. He kills himself.
Then, we all got online. We found out he's 19. He lives at his grandma's house. He gives away his albums for free on tumblr. And now, thanks to that fucking awesome video, he's a star.

THAT'S THE NEW ARTIST MODEL IN ACTION. IT WORKS. FUCK YOU, LARS ULRICH.

TV SHOW OF THE YEAR
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic

Let me explain.

The Hub is a TV network owned by Hasbro. They play shows like GI Joe and Transformers and Pound Puppies and anything else that was a toy and could be a show. In 2010 the Hub got Lauren Faust of Powerpuff Girls and Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends to develop a new My Little Pony show. It went by unnoticed... until somebody freaked out and said it was "the death knell for creator driven animation".

So like any overreaction on the internet, 4chan decided to troll it. It can't be that bad right? I mean everyone loves the Powerpuff Girls?

Suddenly, a flame war erupted. Half of 4chan were pony haters, and the other half were Bronies. The Bronies tried to share the message of love and friendship and seriously the most well rounded female characters on TV since Buffy but they just happen to be ponies.

Skip to 2011. Now in it's second season, the show knows who it's target audience is. And now it does stuff like this:



and this



and not to mention has a character named "Derpy Hooves"

Basically, if this show had direwolves, it would be perfect. Speaking of which...

BEST TV MOMENT
Game of Thrones: SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS
Seriously, if you haven't seen Game of Thrones, DON'T click the link. It will ruin the whole season.
SPOILERS
 But if you have:
WHAT THE FUCK, DID THAT JUST HAPPEN?!?!?!?! WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK?!?! THEY JUST DID THAT?!
#winteriscoming

PERSON OF THE YEAR
Charlie Sheen

(YEAH IT'S THE WHOLE FUCKING VIDEO!)
We know the catch phrases: winning, tigerblood, Vatican assassin Warlock. And suddenly, an unemployed crazy person became our hero. Everything he said became a catchphrase and we let him get away with it. And honestly, why not? He had the bravado to actively fail and call it "winning".

But behind the highly enjoyable train wreck, there was the haunting message of a quote that slipped by, the true moral of the ballad of Charlie Sheen:
"I was people pleasing for too long."
The point of this man's cautionary tale: live for yourself and be your own person, or you'll be on 20/20 talking about your Adonis DNA while the world laughs at you.

VIDEO GAME OF THE YEAR
Portal 2
After a while, Hollywood decided it was easier to adapt books into movies rather than writing them and get CGI Transformers rather than actors. It's working, because I just described the top two films of the year. So where are the top actors and writers going to now?

Easy, video games. If Hollywood is losing its cred as art, video games are gaining major cred. Take this scene from Portal 2, a conversation between a dying man via his recorded journals and a woman-turned into a computer- turned into a potato.



This is where America's real creative talent is going. And I like it.


YOUTUBE VIDEO OF THE YEAR
Friday



you know Friday. But do you know story of Friday?
Clarence Jey and Patrice Wilson, producers at Ark Music Factory realized that there's an easier way to make money than with hit songs.

#1- find rich parents who want their kids to be famous
#2- charge $2000 up front to write a "hit single"
#3- write a terrible song so that they will fade away and not worry about royalties.
#4- ???
#5- PROFIT!!!

So they wrote Friday. Nothing rhymed, it was about getting dressed, and they pitch corrected her until her pitch was incorrect. And they put it on the internet. And they walked away with $2000 dollars.

UNTIL...
The Daily What posted this on March 11
By March 17th, it had been viewed 10 million times.
March 18th was a Friday. And everyone started posting it again.
We all unanimously hated it, but we couldn't stop watching. It became the biggest youtube hit of the year.
And then Rebecca came to Patrice and Clarence and asked where her royalties were.

Basically, this happened:



The Producers happened in real life. But the world saw it in the scope of a week, and it was a bigger hit than Springtime for Hitler. But it just gets better.

 After a while, we realized we kinda liked the poor kid. I have friends (coughcough Chris Welch) who listen to Friday unironically. Tyler, the Creator and Odd Future, the most amoral, anti-establishment rappers in the game opened their Boston concert with a Friday dance party

the most popular show on TV performed it without irony

and Katy Perry, who had the most hits on one album since Michael Jackson, gave her the guest treatment, bringing her onstage with her and having her guest star in a video for a number one hit, "Last Friday Night".


Yeah, that video rocks now.
Friday will go down as a hit, and proof that in the digital age, overnight sensations actually happen overnight.

And finally
PHOTO OF THE YEAR

It gives me great solace to know that the British aristocracy doesn't know how to dress.

The Trouble with Christmas

I love Christmas music. O Come All ye Faithful might be my favorite song of all time (that or Supper's Ready). But I hate Pop Christmas music. For hours on end at work, on the radio, fucking anywhere in public, I hear the same 40 songs on satellite Christmas radio. Always in the same order. Not even 40 songs, but like 33 songs with 7 additional covers slid in. And I said 7 additional covers because none of these are the pop Christmas classics you love- they're pop Christmas remakes. This is turning me into that Bill Murray title character in that one movie- no not Steve Zissou!

This holiday is supposed to be Christ's birthday. These songs are abominations before Christ.

Eddie Money and Ronnie Spector, "Everybody Loves Christmas"
Eddie Money, the pervy uncle of 80's pop.
You probably didn't remember that Eddie Money and Ronnie Spector did a duet in take me home tonight- presumably so that Eddie didn't get sued when he overused the refrain be my little baby.

I didn't know they did another song.


Now, I don't instantly complain when I hear an 80s pop song, and I even LOVE  a certain 80s pop-christmas song (more on that later). But seriouslyface, when I hear this song, I see cocaine instead of snow.

"Hey Ronnie, thanks for not suing me as I rip off one of the best songs of the 60s. Let's do an orignial Christmas song COCAAAAAAAAAAAINE!"

 The Eagles, "Please Come Home for Christmas"
ok, that's cool I guess, Christmas Blues!





wait a second. Do you guys like Abbey Road?



FUCK YOU, IT'S THE SAME FUCKING SONG! THE BIG LEBOWSKI WAS RIGHT. This makes me love the Beatles more. The Beatles never sold out.

Ringo Starr, "I Wanna be Santa Claus"



Ringo, you are a soulless, tone-deaf craven.

Taylor Swift, "Last Christmas"
What makes Wham's last Christmas (my afformentioned stellar 80s pop Christmas song) is that even though it's a through away song, George Michael swings for the fences. While I admit that I'm not sure how the ratio between bitten and shy is supposed to work, apparently  2:1 shy to bitten ratio is sad. George is truly heartbroken over his being rejected randomly on a holiday. And baby, that's good pop music.


Just listen to him belt "gave you MYYYYYYYYY" at the end. That's torment.

Listen to Taylor blandly meander through Last Christmas:



George Michael wrote this song and he lives in a space in the words; when George says "I love you I meant it", damn it he meant it!. Taylor was clearly told she could make money covering this song and she did. I didn't think she could sell out any farther, but she can.

Jewel, "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer"

This song is awesome for the first verse. Hey! It's Jewel and her mom doing an a capella Rudolph! Even Jewel can't ruin this!
SPOILERS: Jewel ruins it.


She peppers the second verse with the 2 reasons why I hate Jewel: her goat yodel voice and her folk scat shit. Someone tell her "badoing-ee-doing-doing" is not a word and does not belong in Rudolph.

This song is so bad that, when I found the album at Goodwill, I immediately bought it.

X-Friends Issue 2

X-Friends Issue 1