The Essential Question Bowl

It's almost the Super Bowl. In case you're a fan of Sportball (that's the pointy one), I'll let my good friends at NMA in Taiwan catch you up:

Fun fact- when you go behind in football, there is actually a hole you get to dig out of!

Yes that's right! Brother against brother! Jim vs Jon. Who wins the Harbowl?

Let's get to the real winner here: the Harbaugh family. There is some sort of Super football gene in the DNA of the Harbaughs. Let's give a round of applause to the Harbaugh and their super genes!

And this is their Shiny versions:

Really rare.

But for every Ferdinand III

There is always a Charles II in the family...

And the inbred monstrosity of the Harbsurg family is their first cousin, Screech.

 Yes according to an episode of Saved By the Bell (technically Saved by the Bell the New Class, so ignore it if you want), Screech is miraculously first cousins with Jim Harbaugh.


He is the real loser of the Harbowl.

But that's not the only storyline at hand here; it's Ray Lewis' final game.

Who is Ray Lewis, for the uninitiated in the realms of Sportball?
Ray Lewis is Professor X.

 Ray has been the heart and soul of the Ravens pretty much since their inception.
However, now he is all but paralyzed.

He has Robo bits
Yet as long as he is leading the defense, presumably telepathically barking orders from his wheelchair, the Ravens can not fail. To the point where if you are going to beat this team, your first course of action would be to take him out of the game; just like Prof X in X-Men, X2, and The Last Stand. Keep him in the game, and he can lead a bunch of teenagers to defeat the Soviet and American navies...

Now Ray has always been an emotional guy. But this postseason, he's kind of been insane.

Like, seriously moodswingy crazy couckoo banana town pants.

You know someone is crazy when SNL doesn't exaggerate in their portrayal of them:


And while I usually pick the superbowl based on who's life story would make a better Disney movie, and while Ray's last ride is the final act of his heartwarming story, there something else here that I have to acknowledge.

This guy

49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick. Holy Scotsman.

This is what Colin looks like from the front:

Now I know how people say tattoos turn your body into a work of art. And I am a tattooed man, and I'd like to believe my shoulder is a work of art.
But holy shit, look at his back:

As proud as I am for a man like this being a sports star, I am equally disappointed at the criticism he is getting for his tattoos from the older generation of sports fans and sports writers.

Even to the point of him being compared to a convicted felon...
For crying out loud; they're bible verses and angels! How is that a impolite thing to display on your body? I am all for Colin, and all for the way he looks. This isn't just him getting "tatted" while he's wasted- his personality, his heart and soul is outwardly manifested on his body and I couldn't applaud him enough.

But the real essential question of the Harbowl isn't the which brother or Ray's last game of Colin's tattoos.
There must be one question you ask yourself about the Harbowl:
Do you value brute force or finesse?

Because the Baltimore Ravens will always be a bloodthirsty brood out to ravage opposing offenses, leaving a trail of broken bones and rattled brains in their wake.

Even though he has been proven innocent in a court of law, no one can mention Ray Lewis without implying he's a murder.

But the 49ers are such a finesse team. That isn't to say they don't hit hard, tell that to Patrick Willis, but the Niners win games with elusive speed and explosiveness. The 49ers can maneuver around any obstacle.

Now I know that Ravens play traditional smashmouth football, a sort of old way of life that is being threatened by the new rules in the NFL. But don't limit this analogy.
You have to ask yourself, do you want to solve your problems with grace, or by running head first into everything.
I'd rather be graceful. And that's why I can't root for the Ravens.
Go Niners.

Actual Movie News

OK so yesterday I wrote that I was going to talk about actual news.

Trey Parker and Matt Stone have formed a new production company, Important Studios. 

And their first important film is going to be...
The big screen adaption of The Book of Mormon

Rejoice, denizens of Earth! Please get really excited about this.
Matt & Trey have made movie musicals before. I'd call "South Park: Bigger Longer & Uncut" a musical. Of course, they made "Cannibal! The Musical" as their first film. And somehow, "Orgazmo" and "Team America: World Police" had wonderful songs.
They finally get to do a straight up, singing and dancing musical.

The Book of Mormon is one of the best Broadway musicals of all time. Yes, the songs and dancing are catchy, but the book is genius. In classic, dare-I-say Mark Twain style satire, BoM takes you on a journey that is the most vulgar and hilarious religious experience of your life. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll call God terrible things before admitting you love Jesus. It uses religious criticism to raise your religious tolerance. It's the only written work in the English language that ever got a laugh out of raping babies.
And it's coming to the big screen in the Post-Les Mis world, where musicals are the new superhero movies and superhero movies are as elaborate productions as 50s musicals.

Now, this gives me, Dom, the guy who's blog you're reading, to do my favorite game.

Cast That Movie: Book of Mormon Edition

So, this is the movie version of a musical, where sometimes, you give actors roles they don't deserve so that more people see it.

like so

and like so

and let's never forget that we allowed Hasselhoff to ruin Jekyll and Hyde:

With this history educating my choice...

Edler Price: Cory Monteith

Yes, the Glee motherfucker.
Give him the lead. He can probably sing it and probably play an idealistic and enthusiastic 19 year old well. Any other emotions...well, he's gonna put butts in the seats. He's that Glee motherfucker afterall.

"O hai lolz I'm a 17 year old girl and I like Glee, I should see that movie! Songs about genital mutilation LOLWUT?"

That's what Matt & Trey really want- to troll girls.

Elder Cunningham: Josh Gad

Now sometimes with movie musicals, you're better off if you don't change a thing. Anyone else who would play Elder Cunningham would be doing a Josh Gad impression.


Let Josh Gad be the obligatory actor who reprises his role, and we'll be good.

Nabulungi: Get A Time Machine, A Bring Back Anika Noni Rose in 1997.

This is the perfect role for her; just her range, just her look, and the acting chops required are off the charts from drama to comedy. My only concern is getting the time machine to work. If we can't master time travel within the next two years, my second pic is...

Tessa Thompson

Who becomes my first pic if we can't master time travel by the time casting starts...

Elder McKinley: Andrew Rannells

You may recognize Andrew as the original Elder Price, or from being a mystically animated mannequin.

He has since found notoriety playing the gay character on every new show that needs a gay character

Giving him Elder McKinley gives him the role he plays best, gay comic relief. Technically closeted, but still, he gets the funniest song.


But forget all those parts. There are two parts that MATT & TREY MUST CAST.

At one point, the missionaries put on a play for the missionaries, in which they show when Joseph Smith meets Angel Moroni

These parts are a both cameos, yet, in a real Matt and Trey move, you need to cast two stars for these parts.

For Joseph Smith:

For Moroni:

1st off, look back at that painting and tel me it wasn't a painting of Jack Human and NPH.

 Mind blown.
2nd- These two. They're arguably the two most famous musical theater actors in America. And they have such great chemistry; every year at the Tony's they display such chemistry.

One portion of one scene is all I need, just bring these two together in a movie. Matt & Trey, you have the power to combine Hugh and Neil. You can make the film that finally combines them, you can do this!

Don't let me down, The Book of Mormon, the movie. There's probably no way you can let me down; even if none of these actors are in this movie, I'm confident in the boys to make knock this out of the park.

If somehow, and this is a major pipe dream, any of these thoughts get to Matt & Trey (and I'm not even assuming they'll read this, I'm just hoping somehow the thoughts telepathically meander to their heads), if any of this can come true, please, please, please, let Hugh Jackman and Neil Patrick Harris cameo as Joseph Smith and Moroni.
It's my favorite idea I've ever had...this week.

Movie news...or not. 2012 or something.

First blog of 2013!

And let me say, I have some awesomely intriguing movie news! A new...

Oh.
But.
I was sick last week, when it would have been appropriate to do a year in review blog. It feels weird not to do a 2012 wrap up as my first blog of 2013. But the time has passed.

so yeah, this new studio, called...

Shit.
Ok, so I will blog tomorrow about this cool movie news. Until then,
a quick year in review of sorts.

2012 IN REVIEW. BECAUSE IT WOULD BE WRONG NOT TO THIS

ALBUM OF THE YEAR: You know what, screw it, I want to a top five.
But I'll keep it brief.

#5- Miguel; Kaleidoscope Dream

Because a man named Prince is the King, Miguel is the new Prince of sex music



#4: Action Bronson; Blue Chips

He's a rotund Albanian-American former Chef, who raps about gourmet food when he's not rapping about hookers.


Also, cover recreates a movie I tried to forget about...

#3: Goyte; Making Mirrors

Maybe the most accessible weird album ever, or the weirdest accessible one. He plays a fence on a track.



#2: Kendrick Lamar; Good kid, m.A.A.d. City

It's basically a gangsta rap musical. And his parents are the best characters.



#1: Frank Ocean; Channel Orange

I wrote a whole blog about it when it came out. 
You should have seen this one coming.


mmmm soulful.

ok moving on.

MOVIE OF THE YEAR: The Cabin in the Woods

How is a movie so good that it ruins every other movie in it's genre for you? I can't watch a horror movie now without acknowledging that the Elder Gods are being nourished, or what the other monster options (merman included) could have been, or begging for a cut away to the control room.

I guess that still works for Saw. No, wait! Jigsaw is the harbinger of his universe; there are sill people watching him watch people. Yes it works!

Basically, I liked Cabin in the Woods so much, I have Cabin the Woods fantasies while watching other movies.

Also, it features this:



TV SHOW OF THE YEAR: Game of Louie.

Louie the Imp of House CK is hand of the King, and they blow up a river while he's miserable.

Sorry, it was a tie.

Louie, because they remade Rocky.

And Game of Thrones because Tryion blew everything up.

VIDEO GAME OF THE YEAR: Slender

This is how religions are made

I play slender in the dark with headphones on. And I wander through the woods. When I started playing, I would run from the Slender Man.

But now, when the Slender Man gets me, I don't fight it. I stop and look at him and yell "TAKE ME WITH YOU, TO YOUR SQUIGGLY PARADISE, SLENDER MAN! TAKE ME INTO YOUR ARMS!".

I haven't beaten this game, but I have begun to venerate a likeness of him. Yes, I know he's invented by the internet to fool gullible people; what's your point?

SONG OF THE YEAR

Now, I was gonna say "Call Me Maybe", but I realized I don't even like the original version the best.
So The Roots, Jimmy Fallon, and Carly Rae Jepsen, you win song of the year!



OK and I'm done. Was that half-assed? Yes. Do I feel better? Yes.
 Actual blog tomorrow? Yes.

The Best Men on the Field

The older I get, the harder it is to be a fan of professional football.

Once upon a time, these athletes were my heroes; I have previously poured out my undying affection for Steve Sabol, and the mythos he created with NFL films. But the older I get, the more I see of the MO of career athletes; when it comes down to it, the players of the NFL are mostly oversexed, drunken maniacs. I'm looking at you, Ben, heir to the dick-wagging throne of Gondor.

Brett Favre's a pervert, Michael Vick was imprisoned for being a sociopath, The entire Minnesotta Vikings team was busted for keeping a yacht full of prostitutes, which may have been cool with actual Vikings, but the State of Minneapolis frowns upon it. Hell, I love Eli Manning, but he had a one night stand with Britney Spears back in the day, which is the antithesis of classy.

Still, there are a few NFL players I respect as men. And the ones I do, I will defend to the end of time. Which is apparently...right now. So I have to get this off of my chest...

5- Dhani Jones

Now, I concede that Dhani is recently retired, so I'm making an exception. Everyone on this list is an active NFL player, save for Mr. Jones. That's Dhani Jones is my all-time NFL gentleman pick.

Dhani Jones deserves the remarkable credit for being a one time Giant and an Eagle, which is like being a former Jet and Former shark. Dhani is a bow tie aficionado, patron of the arts, and host of his own travel show, Dhani Tackles the Globe. He lives in Mt. Adams, Cincinnati, were he owns his own cafe, Bow Tie Cafe. Post his NFL career, he has become a cyclist of some reknown.

He is always seen smiling. I want to hang out with him, and I want to sip tea and wear bow ties and suits, and talk about world travel. Then I want to go to a bar and tell him about my insecurities as we watch Latina girls dance.


 Dhani Jones is the kind of friend I have always wanted to have; his is the company I strive to keep.

4-Peyton Manning

Peyton is the funniest professional athlete in America. Athletes appear in advertisements all of the time, and most of them are terrible. Yet Peyton keeps popping up in ads. Because he's legitimately hilarious.



Athletes appear on SNL every once and a while. I have tried to purge most of them from my memory. Yes, you, Michael.

Yet every joke Peyton told on SNL landed perfectly:




Peyton is a national treasure- not for anything he did on the football field, but because he's one of the funniest men in America. Keep making us smile, Peyton, with your arm and your wit.

3- Tim Tebow

Wait wait wait, let me explain.
I am not one of those people who is obsessed with Tim Tebow.

I recognize that there is empirical evidence that he is a bad quarterback.



And I recognize that "Tim Tebow Leads the Broncos to the Playoffs" was more accurately "Broncos Defense Holds Teams to Under 20 Points, So Not Even Tim Tebow Could Mess it Up", or maybe, "Von Miller Leads Broncos to Playoffs".

But I will say this:
In a sport where the stars are all too often sexual deviants who take themselves far too seriously...
there's something encouraging to be said about a star who practices abstinence and leads prayer circles.

Tim was the catalyst to let everyone stop and realize, this is just a game.
He wasn't doing it to brag, rather Tim was just Tim; even when he was the darling of the NFL, he was never bigger then the game.
Even if he's going most likely be out of the league by next year, he was still a star for a year. And it was a year of fresh air. I hope they love him in the CFL.

2- Chris Kluwe

Chris Kluwe is a punter. He's also a nerd; his twitter handle is ChrisWarcraft.
But it's easier to list the things he's not.
He's not a coward. He's not a bigot. And he's certainly not one to keep quiet when he fells passionate about something.

Maryland congressman Emmett C. Burns made remarks concerning a certain NFL player (not even Kluwe, btw) making statements for gay rights. Congressman Burns said this had no place in sports.

Kluwe didn't agree.
His response was one of the greatest things this blogger has ever read.
The whole piece is here, but I'll give you the highlights.

 "It baffles me that a man such as yourself, a man who relies on that same First Amendment to pursue your own religious studies without fear of persecution from the state, could somehow justify stifling another person's right to speech. To call that hypocritical would be to do a disservice to the word. Mindfucking obscenely hypocritical starts to approach it a little bit."

"...the mental gymnastics your brain has to tortuously contort itself through to make such a preposterous statement are surely worthy of an Olympic gold medal (the Russian judge gives you a 10 for "beautiful oppressionism")."

"If gay marriage becomes legal, are you worried that all of a sudden you'll start thinking about penis? "Oh shit. Gay marriage just passed. Gotta get me some of that hot dong action!" Will all of your friends suddenly turn gay and refuse to come to your Sunday Ticket grill-outs? (Unlikely, since gay people enjoy watching football too.) 

I can assure you that gay people getting married will have zero effect on your life. They won't come into your house and steal your children. They won't magically turn you into a lustful cockmonster"

Yes, he wrote a letter to a congressman that read lustful cockmonster .

Next thing you know, he's on the cover of Out Magazine; he's an Ally icon

My favorite way of putting life into perspective is to recast events in light of high school. This is a jock sticking up for the gay kids in his school. There has to be a contingent of jocks in his school who want to kick his ass, but he was honestly so sly with his wrath (once again, cockmonster is a compound word) that you can't be angry at him.

Jocks and homophobia are sadly too often confounded. Sadly, because there are athlete allies out there, like good old Chris Warcraft.


1- Andre Johnson

Andre Johnson has quietly become one of the best Wide Receivers in the NFL.

But is most impressive stat is 19k. That's how much he spent at a Toy 'R Us on toys for children in the Houston area.

Now, when jaded old me saw this photo, I thought "oh, well it's not like he adopted any of those kids"...

That's because he is already raising another man's son.


You seriously owe it to yourself to watch that whole video.

If not, the gist is:
Andre's best friend died. He left behind a widow and a infant son.
So Andre has been raising Cyril ever since his father died.

Also Andre started a foundation that mentors the children of single mothers.

Now, many will remember a rather infamous incident in Andre's career, a bench clearing brawl between him and Cortland Finnegan.



Now, know this: Finnegan is the dirtiest player in the NFL bar none.
As any older brother can tell you, sometimes you get taunted all day and no one notices until you hit your little brother back.
So Andre hit the dirtiest player back. I can't even blame him.

Andre apologized to the Texans fans the next day, and a part of me knows for sure that he apologized to Cyril.

But let's get off the football field. Andre Johnson, beyond the touchdowns, or the fights, or the wins, is giving a child a father. Andre never knew his father, and he is dedicating his life to being an active force for good in a young boy's life. Even if he wins a Super Bowl, this is still his greatest achievement.
He is my favorite football player, for everything he's done off the field.

When I was a boy, athletes were always my role models for their incredible feats on the field. As a man, Andre Johnson is my role model because he is a good and decent man, and after all, that's what's truly important.