My Bluths and Me

I never thought I was going to see the day.
I thought the light had gone out forever.
It's been six years, and I feel like a complete person again.

I haven't been able to say this for years; I can't believe actually saying this:

There's new episodes of Arrested Development this weekend!

By now, you all know about the famous/infamous run of Arrested Development. There has never been such a lopsided show in terms of critical acclaim vs ratings. This show had all the buzz and none of the views. It ran on Sunday nights, against the Sopranos, Fox didn't necessarily believe in it. At one point, it's lead in was Michael Rappaport's sitcom "The War at Home", which was one of the worst regarded half hours of television in history.

My brothers Louie, Dean, and I would keep Fox on after the 4:15 pm football game would go off the air and we'd just watch all of the sitcoms. We weren't really into any of them. And one Sunday night, we decided to leave the tv on until that new show, Arrested Development started. I'm not sure how it happened, but it happened; I watched the pilot of Arrested Development as it aired.

I was engrossed. I felt like I was being sucked into the TV.
I had never seen anything like this show, like these jokes. I can still remember the feeling of sheer joy that I felt when they showed Tobias get on the boat full of homosexual protesters, what I feel to be the first real "Arrested Development-y" joke of the series.

 I laughed so hard, I laughed myself into a state of bliss.

How did they do that? They showed the setup after the punchline! I laughed so hard I missed the next joke. This was the most amazing show I had ever seen!

I came to school the next day expecting to talk about this new show all day. No one else in my grade had seen it. No one. I begged everyone I knew to watch it.

The next week came. There's always money in the banana stand! One of the all-time classic TV jokes.

And I went to school that Monday.  One other person saw it. One. A singular being.
How was this possible?

The show went on. The running gags piled up; it rewarded me for being a careful watcher. I felt smart. And it barely got a second season. When the DVDs came out, my brothers and I spent all of time watching the DVDs with other people or loaning them out to our friends. It became our crusade to save this show. The second season was supposed to be it, the end, no more. The fans (all 6 of us) rebelled. We drafted petitions. We got a third season!

Charlize Theron was a guest star for 6 episodes! Yeah, Oscar winner Charlize Theron. And then we got cut from 22 episodes to a meager 13. And the final four episodes were broadcasted on one night, opposite the Winter Olympics opening ceremonies. I didn't watch the final four; I was cheering on my high school in the state basketball tournament. In the grand scheme of things, I wish I could have been there wish the Bluths to say goodbye. They were such an important part of my life. They were my family.

No, I'm not exaggerating.
The Bluths are my family. The Bluths were there for me when I needed it.



I'm about to get real with you guys for a sec.

My family life back in 2003 wasn't good. Hell, I'll say it was fucked up.

My grandfather was on a terribly slow and painful decline. What complicated this ordeal was grandma's death a few years earlier. See, my grandmother was struck and killed by an underage drunk driver. We sued the bar, grandpa got a huge settlement. Then grandpa began to become senile. Suddenly, relatives from everywhere showed up and fought for this dying, senile man's money.
 I won't go into details about the shit my family pulled on one another, because I subscribe to the Kelly Roland school of morality (You know I'm not gonna diss you on the internet cuz my mama taught me better than that).
My extended family crumbled, and my nuclear family suffered as well. My mom withdrew emotionally, and my father was a tyrant around the house. My family life became torture.
My family was torn apart by itself, and I was a helpless teenager, forced to sit back and watch people who were supposed to love each other fight each other like the most bitter of enemies.

What kind of family does this to each other?

I should have been mad at my relatives. It would have easy. The fact was, I just wasn't. I had the backstabbing, dishonest Bluth family to laugh at instead. All of my anger and grief got redirected into laughs at the Bluths. The Bluths are the ultimate dysfunctional family; they made my family squabbles look amateur. And the Bluths fought, but they made up. There was a lot of lying, but a lot of love.

When my family was less than ideal, the Bluths were there for me. I could laugh at my real family's faults in the form of my fake family. Hell, who am I kidding? The Bluths were there for me when I needed it. The Bluths are the reason I am a sane adult today.

The Bluths are members of my real family. 

It was so sad to see them go in 2006. We never thought they'd be back. I mean, the show was almost dead 3 times before the it got mercy killed.

And then I had a fateful conversation with a friend of mine.

Him: Have you heard of netflix instant cue?
Me: No, what is it?
Him: You can stream movies, or entire runs of TV shows.
Me: I guess that's cool.
Him: Dom, you don't get it. I just watched all of Arrested Development. At once.
Me: This is the greatest invention ever.

Next thing I know, all of my friends, all of my minor acquaintances, were in to Arrested Development, the way it was supposed to be viewed- carefully and all at once, so the jokes could just flood you. Thanks Netflix!

It actually kinda sucked at first. Arrested Development was such an obscure show, that I could quote it and use it as my own. Once, I drunkenly knocked over a pinata at a friend's birthday party. Everyone's eyes were instantly drawn to me, and I said, "That was 90 percent gravity..."

Years later, that friend texted me and said "haha. 90 percent gravity. OK Buster".
Suddenly, the world knew I wasn't funny, I was just quoting something obscure. In the same light, I hope Frisky Dingo never gets popular, or everyone will learn where I draw the other half of my one liners...

So anyway, then everyone just started to understand me. As my buddy Joe once told me:

"You know how when people meet someone's parents, they understand that person so much better? Like, 'oh this explains why he acts this way'? Yeah, this is what happens when people watch Arrested Developement; they meet your family."

And that's true. This is my family. And everyone got to meet my family. 
I was happy enough just that my friends got to meet my family; I didn't think they'd be as passionate for them as we all were in the good ol days...

Now it seemed like the whole world wanted my family back.
And it's finally happening. For the first time in years, I get to spend a Sunday night with my family.



I hope you all love the new episodes of Arrested Development. I know they'll be just as crazy and ingenious as they used to be; I believe in Mitch Hurwitz.

No matter what, I still have my family to return to whenever I need them: Michael, George, Lucille, GOB, Lindsay, Tobias, Maeby, George Michael, and Buster. And sometimes Oscar. And Annyong. And I guess Barry counts...and STEVE HOLT!! And Franklin...the list just keeps going...

 -Love Always
Dom Bluth

The Anti Anti-Valentine's Argument

It's Valentine's Day. I don't have a date.
I am not, I repeat, I am NOT complaining.

The ubiquity of social media is a double edged sword. Facebook can tell me what all of my friends are thinking. This can be cool, as I've got friends back home that I don't get to see so often. Facebook really helps with that, thanks Zuck.

But sometimes, you read the worst kind of status updates: privileged people complaining. And no day is worse than Valentine's day.

I am complaining about complaining.

Word is bond, peace to all my friends in relationships today. I mean, that is the idea, to be with someone, and I'm happy for you...even if you spam my Facebook with how much fun you and your SO are having.

But I have so much beef for people who complain on Valetine's Day.
You know the type.

Oh, happy single awareness day. Those fucks are on tumblr who are complaining how they shouldn't be ostracized because they don't have a realtionship.

Why are you complaining?
First off, if you actually worked at being in a relationship all year, you wouldn't be single today. My advice is if you hate "single awareness day", be aware of this feeling on more days than just today and you might fix it.

But somehow, we have declared Valentine's Day the one holiday it's alright to complain about not celebrating.

Do Jewish people complain about not having Christmas?
Do French people complain about a lack of 4th of July?

 Let me put this in perspective for you.

My Aunt died in 2004. She left behind a husband and four sons.
I have never seen any of them get on Facebook on mother's day and complain about how it's unfair that they don't have a mom.

You know what, it IS unfair. The youngest son was 3 when his mom died. They have every right to complain that your bragging about having a mom makes them feel bad.

And they don't.
When people complain about not having a date for Valentine's Day, I think of all the people who don't have mom's for mother's day, or dad's for father's day. Those people never post pictures of Grumpy Cat.
There are worse things to be without than a date on Valentines.

Me, while I am single, I'm using this day to remember the other holidays I can celebrate.
I have a father and a step father for father's day. And they both love fathers day, because I actually get them ties they like.
I have presents for Christmas.
I have traditions for Christmas Eve.
I have food on Thanksgiving.
Hell, I have such a tight knit group of friends back home that we made our own holiday; I have friends on Jewsgiving.
I have a mom on mothers day.
And I have a mom who sends me and my roommates a heart shaped box of cookies on Valentine's Day, which we eat almost immediately. They were REALLY good cookies.

Happy Valentine's Day. Happy Mother's Day. Be Happy. Everyday.

The Essential Question Bowl

It's almost the Super Bowl. In case you're a fan of Sportball (that's the pointy one), I'll let my good friends at NMA in Taiwan catch you up:

Fun fact- when you go behind in football, there is actually a hole you get to dig out of!

Yes that's right! Brother against brother! Jim vs Jon. Who wins the Harbowl?

Let's get to the real winner here: the Harbaugh family. There is some sort of Super football gene in the DNA of the Harbaughs. Let's give a round of applause to the Harbaugh and their super genes!

And this is their Shiny versions:

Really rare.

But for every Ferdinand III

There is always a Charles II in the family...

And the inbred monstrosity of the Harbsurg family is their first cousin, Screech.

 Yes according to an episode of Saved By the Bell (technically Saved by the Bell the New Class, so ignore it if you want), Screech is miraculously first cousins with Jim Harbaugh.


He is the real loser of the Harbowl.

But that's not the only storyline at hand here; it's Ray Lewis' final game.

Who is Ray Lewis, for the uninitiated in the realms of Sportball?
Ray Lewis is Professor X.

 Ray has been the heart and soul of the Ravens pretty much since their inception.
However, now he is all but paralyzed.

He has Robo bits
Yet as long as he is leading the defense, presumably telepathically barking orders from his wheelchair, the Ravens can not fail. To the point where if you are going to beat this team, your first course of action would be to take him out of the game; just like Prof X in X-Men, X2, and The Last Stand. Keep him in the game, and he can lead a bunch of teenagers to defeat the Soviet and American navies...

Now Ray has always been an emotional guy. But this postseason, he's kind of been insane.

Like, seriously moodswingy crazy couckoo banana town pants.

You know someone is crazy when SNL doesn't exaggerate in their portrayal of them:


And while I usually pick the superbowl based on who's life story would make a better Disney movie, and while Ray's last ride is the final act of his heartwarming story, there something else here that I have to acknowledge.

This guy

49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick. Holy Scotsman.

This is what Colin looks like from the front:

Now I know how people say tattoos turn your body into a work of art. And I am a tattooed man, and I'd like to believe my shoulder is a work of art.
But holy shit, look at his back:

As proud as I am for a man like this being a sports star, I am equally disappointed at the criticism he is getting for his tattoos from the older generation of sports fans and sports writers.

Even to the point of him being compared to a convicted felon...
For crying out loud; they're bible verses and angels! How is that a impolite thing to display on your body? I am all for Colin, and all for the way he looks. This isn't just him getting "tatted" while he's wasted- his personality, his heart and soul is outwardly manifested on his body and I couldn't applaud him enough.

But the real essential question of the Harbowl isn't the which brother or Ray's last game of Colin's tattoos.
There must be one question you ask yourself about the Harbowl:
Do you value brute force or finesse?

Because the Baltimore Ravens will always be a bloodthirsty brood out to ravage opposing offenses, leaving a trail of broken bones and rattled brains in their wake.

Even though he has been proven innocent in a court of law, no one can mention Ray Lewis without implying he's a murder.

But the 49ers are such a finesse team. That isn't to say they don't hit hard, tell that to Patrick Willis, but the Niners win games with elusive speed and explosiveness. The 49ers can maneuver around any obstacle.

Now I know that Ravens play traditional smashmouth football, a sort of old way of life that is being threatened by the new rules in the NFL. But don't limit this analogy.
You have to ask yourself, do you want to solve your problems with grace, or by running head first into everything.
I'd rather be graceful. And that's why I can't root for the Ravens.
Go Niners.

Actual Movie News

OK so yesterday I wrote that I was going to talk about actual news.

Trey Parker and Matt Stone have formed a new production company, Important Studios. 

And their first important film is going to be...
The big screen adaption of The Book of Mormon

Rejoice, denizens of Earth! Please get really excited about this.
Matt & Trey have made movie musicals before. I'd call "South Park: Bigger Longer & Uncut" a musical. Of course, they made "Cannibal! The Musical" as their first film. And somehow, "Orgazmo" and "Team America: World Police" had wonderful songs.
They finally get to do a straight up, singing and dancing musical.

The Book of Mormon is one of the best Broadway musicals of all time. Yes, the songs and dancing are catchy, but the book is genius. In classic, dare-I-say Mark Twain style satire, BoM takes you on a journey that is the most vulgar and hilarious religious experience of your life. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll call God terrible things before admitting you love Jesus. It uses religious criticism to raise your religious tolerance. It's the only written work in the English language that ever got a laugh out of raping babies.
And it's coming to the big screen in the Post-Les Mis world, where musicals are the new superhero movies and superhero movies are as elaborate productions as 50s musicals.

Now, this gives me, Dom, the guy who's blog you're reading, to do my favorite game.

Cast That Movie: Book of Mormon Edition

So, this is the movie version of a musical, where sometimes, you give actors roles they don't deserve so that more people see it.

like so

and like so

and let's never forget that we allowed Hasselhoff to ruin Jekyll and Hyde:

With this history educating my choice...

Edler Price: Cory Monteith

Yes, the Glee motherfucker.
Give him the lead. He can probably sing it and probably play an idealistic and enthusiastic 19 year old well. Any other emotions...well, he's gonna put butts in the seats. He's that Glee motherfucker afterall.

"O hai lolz I'm a 17 year old girl and I like Glee, I should see that movie! Songs about genital mutilation LOLWUT?"

That's what Matt & Trey really want- to troll girls.

Elder Cunningham: Josh Gad

Now sometimes with movie musicals, you're better off if you don't change a thing. Anyone else who would play Elder Cunningham would be doing a Josh Gad impression.


Let Josh Gad be the obligatory actor who reprises his role, and we'll be good.

Nabulungi: Get A Time Machine, A Bring Back Anika Noni Rose in 1997.

This is the perfect role for her; just her range, just her look, and the acting chops required are off the charts from drama to comedy. My only concern is getting the time machine to work. If we can't master time travel within the next two years, my second pic is...

Tessa Thompson

Who becomes my first pic if we can't master time travel by the time casting starts...

Elder McKinley: Andrew Rannells

You may recognize Andrew as the original Elder Price, or from being a mystically animated mannequin.

He has since found notoriety playing the gay character on every new show that needs a gay character

Giving him Elder McKinley gives him the role he plays best, gay comic relief. Technically closeted, but still, he gets the funniest song.


But forget all those parts. There are two parts that MATT & TREY MUST CAST.

At one point, the missionaries put on a play for the missionaries, in which they show when Joseph Smith meets Angel Moroni

These parts are a both cameos, yet, in a real Matt and Trey move, you need to cast two stars for these parts.

For Joseph Smith:

For Moroni:

1st off, look back at that painting and tel me it wasn't a painting of Jack Human and NPH.

 Mind blown.
2nd- These two. They're arguably the two most famous musical theater actors in America. And they have such great chemistry; every year at the Tony's they display such chemistry.

One portion of one scene is all I need, just bring these two together in a movie. Matt & Trey, you have the power to combine Hugh and Neil. You can make the film that finally combines them, you can do this!

Don't let me down, The Book of Mormon, the movie. There's probably no way you can let me down; even if none of these actors are in this movie, I'm confident in the boys to make knock this out of the park.

If somehow, and this is a major pipe dream, any of these thoughts get to Matt & Trey (and I'm not even assuming they'll read this, I'm just hoping somehow the thoughts telepathically meander to their heads), if any of this can come true, please, please, please, let Hugh Jackman and Neil Patrick Harris cameo as Joseph Smith and Moroni.
It's my favorite idea I've ever had...this week.

Movie news...or not. 2012 or something.

First blog of 2013!

And let me say, I have some awesomely intriguing movie news! A new...

Oh.
But.
I was sick last week, when it would have been appropriate to do a year in review blog. It feels weird not to do a 2012 wrap up as my first blog of 2013. But the time has passed.

so yeah, this new studio, called...

Shit.
Ok, so I will blog tomorrow about this cool movie news. Until then,
a quick year in review of sorts.

2012 IN REVIEW. BECAUSE IT WOULD BE WRONG NOT TO THIS

ALBUM OF THE YEAR: You know what, screw it, I want to a top five.
But I'll keep it brief.

#5- Miguel; Kaleidoscope Dream

Because a man named Prince is the King, Miguel is the new Prince of sex music



#4: Action Bronson; Blue Chips

He's a rotund Albanian-American former Chef, who raps about gourmet food when he's not rapping about hookers.


Also, cover recreates a movie I tried to forget about...

#3: Goyte; Making Mirrors

Maybe the most accessible weird album ever, or the weirdest accessible one. He plays a fence on a track.



#2: Kendrick Lamar; Good kid, m.A.A.d. City

It's basically a gangsta rap musical. And his parents are the best characters.



#1: Frank Ocean; Channel Orange

I wrote a whole blog about it when it came out. 
You should have seen this one coming.


mmmm soulful.

ok moving on.

MOVIE OF THE YEAR: The Cabin in the Woods

How is a movie so good that it ruins every other movie in it's genre for you? I can't watch a horror movie now without acknowledging that the Elder Gods are being nourished, or what the other monster options (merman included) could have been, or begging for a cut away to the control room.

I guess that still works for Saw. No, wait! Jigsaw is the harbinger of his universe; there are sill people watching him watch people. Yes it works!

Basically, I liked Cabin in the Woods so much, I have Cabin the Woods fantasies while watching other movies.

Also, it features this:



TV SHOW OF THE YEAR: Game of Louie.

Louie the Imp of House CK is hand of the King, and they blow up a river while he's miserable.

Sorry, it was a tie.

Louie, because they remade Rocky.

And Game of Thrones because Tryion blew everything up.

VIDEO GAME OF THE YEAR: Slender

This is how religions are made

I play slender in the dark with headphones on. And I wander through the woods. When I started playing, I would run from the Slender Man.

But now, when the Slender Man gets me, I don't fight it. I stop and look at him and yell "TAKE ME WITH YOU, TO YOUR SQUIGGLY PARADISE, SLENDER MAN! TAKE ME INTO YOUR ARMS!".

I haven't beaten this game, but I have begun to venerate a likeness of him. Yes, I know he's invented by the internet to fool gullible people; what's your point?

SONG OF THE YEAR

Now, I was gonna say "Call Me Maybe", but I realized I don't even like the original version the best.
So The Roots, Jimmy Fallon, and Carly Rae Jepsen, you win song of the year!



OK and I'm done. Was that half-assed? Yes. Do I feel better? Yes.
 Actual blog tomorrow? Yes.